I remember the first time I was truly touched by cancer. It was the early 2000's. I worked for Holvik Famliy Health Center in Visalia, CA and the doctor/owner was active in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life event. I was in my mid 20's and had never heard of the event before. Dr. Holvik seemed very passionate about it, and, his passion made me excited about it too. I was there early. Setting up our office's information table ("Fun in the Sun but Not Overdone", the dangers of skin cancer) and I heard an announcement that the survivor's lap was about to begin. So there I stood. Surrounding the track with hundreds of other people, cheering on the men and women that passed by wearing survivor t-shirts. Feeling overwhelmed by the smiles on their faces, the sparkle in there eyes. Then I saw her. The most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. Being pulled around the track in a red wagon. Wearing a survivor t-shirt, waving and laughing at all the people around her. I laughed and I cried (shoot, I'm crying right now) because I was happy she was wearing a survivors t-shirt...but sad she was wearing a survivors t-shirt. I would have preferred her to be standing strong and healthy cheering on the parade of survivors. The following year, at the annual Relay for Life event, I was walking around looking at all of the information booths that were set up. People also place pictures of loved ones, memorials, of people who have lost the battle with cancer. So I saw a picture, of a little girl wearing a beautiful white dress, and it said Rest in Peace. There was a collage of pictures of this little angel, and included in that collage was a picture of a little girl, riding in a red wagon, wearing a survivor t-shirt from the year before. This was the little girl I had seen in the last years survivor lap, and she had died.
My aunt Janie had cancer. I was young, and I don't remember much about it. My family, at that time, was very much a "don't say that in front of the children" kind of family. I know we used to travel to a hospital about 30 miles from where we lived. We would go there every night. I always stayed in the lobby and I remember going to the gift shop every night and buying peppermint candies. I remember hearing the Peabpo Bryson song "If Ever Your in my Arms Again" every night on the radio on the way home. I don't remember the struggle, or the fear, or anything that actually had to do with the illness.
My cousin Norma had cancer. Just a couple of years ago. She fought it. She beat it. She is seriously one of the strongest, bravest women I have and will ever know. I don't really know the struggles she went through in between the good days, but I know she spoke more of the good days. I was/am old enough now to know how scary it is. How dangerous. Old enough to have my mind go "what if it was me?"
So why all of this cancer talk...well...my mom had to have a breast biopsy done last week. Results came in yesterday. It showed "no definitive evidence of malignancy" which to me is pathologist talk for "well...maybe, maybe not" She goes back to the surgoen next week and she is going to request an excisional biopsy just to be on the safe side. I am happy that they did not find cancer but the past few days have been a nightmare! My anxious mind did a number on me! Of course all I could think about was the worst possible scenario. I cried alot. I prayed alot. I cried some more. I was crappy with my family. Pissed alot of people off. And I freakin' stuffed my face with as much of the worst food possible that I could get my hands on!!! I have been drinking about 5 or 6 sodas a day!!! Haven't slept. I don't smoke, but I swear a cigarette came to mind a time or two...and I wonder...is this me? Like is this really who I am? Am I a person who tries to feel better by eating so much junk that I can literally feel it taking my life away? I am beyond healthy eating habits and excercise. All of this is more of a mental challenge for me than a physical one. I do not want to turn to food everytime my life is not perfect, because that is going to be most of the time!!! So back to the psychologist I go...unashamedly. Seriously people...if you have ever felt like you need a psychologist...you probably do. Don't be ashamed or afraid. I have found that if you open yourself up to it, it really can help. And pray. Pray for what you want your life to be. I pray for things for other people, and I mean those prayers with all my heart. I have seen great things happen over the years. Things that I whole heartedly prayed for. When it comes to praying for myself I don't feel as strong. I think it's because I don't feel like I deserve it (whatever "it" is) and I have to change that. I know that God feels like I deserve it...and I'm not gonna argue with Him!!!
In two weeks I will weigh myself for the first time in a month. I have exercised sporadically. Good food choices have been pushed to the back of my mind (as I slowly take another sip of my tall can Dr. Pepper) and I feel like I have pretty much blown this attempt to bits!!! But...as my babygirl walks in the room with her guitar on her back...I realize there are some things that I am really, really good at...and I am not going to bring myself down. Now if you'll excuse me I have some really horrible guitar chords to listen to...(she's only had 2 lessons so far!!!)....
P.S.
As I am typing my thoughts I realize that the "f" key on my keyboard is not working properly...so unfortunately I will not be able to go on any crazy rants involving the F-word. Well that's not unortunate (see!!!) I've been meaning to clean up my potty mouth too!!!
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