Cleanliness is Next to Godliness (Or Something Like That...)

I can't wipe my butt after I go to the bathroom.  Here I am...6/7 years after my first blog post here and all I have to report that is new is that I can no longer clean my ass after I have pooped.  It is seriously difficult to wipe my buns.  It's like auditioning for Cirque du Soleil and playing the hold my breath the longest game all at the same time.  Sometimes I have to bend my knees so far down that I can almost look the person in the next stall in the eye.  I have come up with a way to manipulate toilet paper to work to my advantage, but it very much depends on the quality of the toilet paper...I don't even want to tell you about the follow up "fishing" expeditions I have to embark on when it's the cheap stuff.  Yes I'm humiliated but this is my life right now.  I have gained that much weight and that many inches where this simple task is now a mission for me.  It is embarrassing.  It is sad.  And I hope with all there is inside of me...that it is enough for me to make a change.  I weighed 270 pounds the last time I weighed myself.  I will weigh myself again tomorrow morning so I can have ANOTHER record of where I started (AGAIN.) Dang it people all I want to do is to do it.  What the heck is it that makes it so hard?  I am the only one who has the answer to that question and freakin a am I frustrated about it.  I have no answers.  I have no excuses.  I have nothing that is good enough to excuse my having gained so much weight that I can't clean myself up after a bowl movement. (Okay so I have used bathroom, poop, bowl movement...pretty much covers all terms except for one..) SHIT!!!  And I am saying shit because shit that's how I feel!!!  I don't even know what else to say right now.  But believe me when I tell you I will soon...stay tuned.