Yeah You Know Me

So...as it turns out...I have OCD.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  No I do not turn light switches off and on while reciting the alphabet.  I don't lock and unlock my front door a hundred times before I can comfortably leave the house.  I guess it's not normal to clean my house in a counter clockwise direction starting from the bathroom and ending in the kitchen.  I also guess it's not normal to arrange my closet in a way where everything has a place, short sleeves, long sleeves, no sleeves, dresses, skirts, pants, jeans, sweaters, then belts/scarves.  Everyone likes an organized closet...but when all of the hangers HAVE to match or it puts you in a bad mood then that's a big deal.  So okay...I am a little obsessive...okay...I am ALOT obsessive.  What was pointed out to me though was that my obsessions are not manifested physically, my obsessions are my thoughts.  So what do I think you ask?  I'm gonna tell you but, if you know me, you won't believe it.  When we are taking a road trip somewhere (which we do alot) in my mind, before we go, I have already seen the flat tire, that leads to the car being out of control, that leads to our car hitting a big rig, that leads to the big rig jack knifing and hitting us back, that leads to our car being trapped under the big rig, that leads to the big rig (which happens to be hauling gasoline) exploding, which leads to us dying a terrible fiery death, which leads to the police knocking on my mom's door and telling her that everyone she loves the most is dead....(pant, pant) and that's on a good day.  Why do these thoughts come to my head???  I don't know.  But I have made a promise to myself to figure that out so that they stop.  Mind you, I do know how to get somewhere and have a good time...but there is always that little feeling inside of me that "this is going to kill us..." and it's obsessive, and it's compulsive, and it's the way I have lived for the last 8 years (at least!)  My assignment from the doctor is to look up OCD. (He says I'm a "classic case") and find ways that other people cope.  He says to try those things and see if they work for me.  I need to alter my behaviour in order to be able to let go of my anxiety...to that I say...no crap!!! But seriously it's true.  And I've known it for awhile.  It's just in a better perspective for me now.  I started my behaviour modification today by "cleaning out my closet" so to speak.  I let go of a couple of things I've been holding onto for awhile.  Letting go is easy...staying away is the hard part for me.  I feel more powerful than I did before though, so I am optimistic about it.  One of the things I didn't let go of is Dr. Pepper. Even now I am sipping on my last bit, sucking all the last drops of flavor off of the ice.  This soda is killing me.  That is not my anxiety talking...that is my cardiologist telling me to give it up at my appointment today.  I told him about some symptoms I've been having...physical not mental...he told me I should take this more seriously than I ever have before.  I don't know how I feel about it.  Sounds stupid but I don't.  I have had 3 health care professionals this week tell me I am digging myself an early grave....and now...I am scared.  So I will take my last Dr. Pepper (yes I said last) and cherish the memory of it for tonight. Then I will start new tomorrow....no not new....I've done that too many times...tomorrow I will start different!!!

P.S.
Since I heard the term "OCD" I can't help but hear the Naughty by Nature song "OPP" in my head!!! It's funny but ridiculous!!! Who's down with OCD???? Me apparently!!!

Baby Steps

I met with a nutritionist from UC Davis today (isn't tele-health the best invention ever?!?!) and...well...to keep it real...she didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know myself.  She was very nice though, and she seemed like she would be very supportive.  She gave me some menu options so I can plan my meals, told me I need to cut out the soda (NOOOOO!!!!! I will not allow my Dr. Pepper to be disrespected like that!!!), and said I should keep a food diary.  None of those things seem impossible...so why haven't I done them before?  I really can't answer that except to say that I guess I've just been lazy, unwilling, unmotivated (okay I guess I can answer that!!!)  I like that I am going to meet with her again in a month, because I already feel like I have to get something accomplished to report to her...I feel like meeting with her will force me to be accountable.  As an adult I should be able to be accountale for my actions, including what I eat. I've never been under a nutritionists care before and I am excited about it.  Tomorrow I meet with the psychiatrist...yes I said psychiatrist.  I know for a fact that I am an emotional over eater and it's time for me to deal with the root of where that all comes from. I don't know what I am going to discover (or should I say uncover) about myself during this journey but I am willing to accept and face whatever comes along.  I realize that a healthy lifestyle means more than just diet and exercising.  It means being able to cope with life as it happens. Not how I wish or want or need it to happen, but just how it happens to happen, because I have no control over that.  I can control how I react and that's it. And although I am very much adapted to reacting with a chocolate chip cookie in my hand...I am more than positive that there are better ways.  Baby steps are better than no steps at all.  All of us started out by pulling ourselves around on our bellies!!! Of course I never imagined my belly would get so heavy!!!  Time to lighten the load...not just the load on my belly but the load in my heart.  Lord help me to be ready for this...because only You can make me ready!  On a sad note my little old neighbor lady died today...just about an hour ago actually.  She was old and sick.  Though I don't know her age or what ailed her exactly.  I have known her since I was in the 8th grade...a very long time now...and it just makes me so sad.  I also wonder how my babygirl is going to react when I tell her the news in the morning.  You see, my daughter is just as anxious a person as I am (all my fault!) and I dread having to tell her this.  But she, as well as I, believes in heaven.  And I believe my little old neighbor lady is rejoicing with her husband and her children that have gone before her.  As I stood there by her bedside.  I heard her grad daughter talking about how much she was at peace "now".  I can't help but long for that peace sometimes.  And although I know I will get there someday I do not want to be in heaven to have to experience that peace "now".  Hmmm...I it's gonna be a long night of thinking....and maybe some tears...