Thursday, December 3, 2015

In 3, 2, 1...

If love is supposed to feel good then why do we call it 'falling'? I think 'flying' should be more appropriate. I mean if it is what it is supposed to be. But then again who is the author of what it is supposed to be?  William Shakespeare? (The course of true love never did run smooth...)  Dr. Seuss? (You know you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams...) The Bible? (Love is patient...love is kind)  Sylvia and Mickey? (Love is strange...)  And if it is so easy to fall in love...(because it is isn't it)...is it just as easy to fall out of it too?  How do we make it last?  How do you know that the love you feel now will be the love you feel forever?  How do we know that the one we love loves us back?  We don't.  We won't. And we can't.  In my life I have experienced all kinds of love.  The type that makes me feel great about myself and the type that makes me feel like shit.  The kind that makes me want to be a better woman and the kind that makes me question what kind of a woman I am for putting up with so much craziness.  I have given it all to the wrong person and pushed the right person away.  I have longed for a certain type of love from a certain man when there was another man standing right in front of my face offering me everything I longed for...but I never saw it...because that would be too easy...then I wouldn't have been falling at all.  I do know this for sure...if we don't genuinely love ourselves with a crazy, stupid, unconditional love...there is no way in hell that we will ever let anyone else love us that way either.  I read a quote that said "We must be our own before we can be another's." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) and I believe that to be absolute truth.  Love from someone else can never replace what we long to receive from ourselves.  All it will do is cloud your head and make you accept things that would never be acceptable if you were full of self love.  Nothing can take the place of what we truly desire...and we're selling ourselves short if we think we can ever get what's missing from anyone else but ourselves.  Good news is it's never too late to start loving yourself.  It's never too late to start demanding more.  It's never to late to look in the mirror and say today is the day that I choose better for myself...because you want better...because you need better...because you deserve better.  Fall in love with the person you are now...not the person you hope to be someday...because we all know when we love something we cherish it...we take care of it...we nourish it and build it up and do our best to make it last...and why wouldn't we want to do all of those things for ourselves first?!?!?! So tonight I will look to myself to feel enough comfort to sleep...I will concentrate on the things I like about myself to feel peace...and I will fly in love with myself...and I hope you will join me as we get ready for lift off..

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Breathe In Breathe Out

I spent thee best day with my girls today...we went to the Pantages theater in Hollywood and saw a stage production of Annie...and as those little girls on the stage started singing I couldn't help but feel envious of them...because it was obvious that they were all doing what they were put on this planet to do...and I was sitting there...40 years young...feeling jealous because I have been holding my breath trying to figure out what I was put on this planet for...and it sucks to feel that way...but eventually I pushed past it and was able to just enjoy the show...which was amazing...next was lunch at Pink's (because when in LA why on earth wouldn't I eat at Pink's)...and yeah it's just a hot dog spot but a friend of mine once sold me on the fact that it wasn't just a hot dog spot...it was thee hot dog spot...and...since I have enjoyed myself there a few times I went ahead and took the Mahomies there for dinner...of course the food was good...but what they really enjoyed was that there was a film crew there shooting some type of reality show...and they were right in the middle of all of the action...of course they were also slapped with the truth that reality shows are not at all reality...as the crew shot the scenes several times...but they still enjoyed the experience and I was very glad that they had that...from there it was on to the Santa Monica Pier...and while that's not anything new for us the drive over there was nothing short of amazing...because when a 14 year old girl with the world on her shoulders starts talking freely about everything you wanted to know you make the drive as long as possible...and it was great...and it was cathartic for her...and it brought me to a place of peace with her that I haven't had in awhile...by the time we got to our destination we were blasting the rap music (even though Chloe is a fan of gangster rap Lecrae is what ended up on our playlist)...we enjoyed the ferris wheel...and the cool sea breeze...we sat in the sand and talked...listened to music...laughed and cried...we enjoyed the sights and sounds of the people around us and the (ahem) familiar scent of marijuana in the air...well...the girls didn't enjoy that...but I admit I kinda did...and on the way home I introduced my niece (because baby girl knocked out) to some of the sweet love songs I used to enjoy back in the day ("Still In Love" by Troop, Force MD's "Tender Love") and I spoke to her of the boys that those songs reminded me of...it was fun to remember those boys...as the woman I am now can handle that conversation...and as I watched Chloe drift off to sleep I couldn't help but pray for her and for baby girl...but most of all I prayed for myself...to be able to understand what they go through...to be able to remember what it was like when I was a girl...the things that were important and the things that broke my heart...and I prayed that I could do right by them now...as the adult that was divinely chosen to show them life...because lately I can't find my own way...so how am I supposed to help them find theirs?  I realized then that helping them find their way isn't my job...my job is to love them unconditionally and do whatever comes along with that...and I'm ready and equipped to do that...I read a quote that says "Don't count how many breaths you take, but moments that take your breath away.."...and I realize that...life itself takes my breath away...the love and the hate...the good and the bad...the victories and the losses...all of it takes my breath away...so as it turns out...I haven't been holding my breath waiting for life...I have been living it...and just trying to catch my breath along the way...so my words of wisdom tonight friends are simple...just breathe...but be aware of every breath...and don't waste a single one...

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Happy Anniversary!

I don't think it is coincidence that I decided to check out my blog...and it happens to be almost a year to the day since my last post.  I believe in a higher power...and I believe that higher power brought me here.  So that I can reflect on what was.  To remind myself of goals that I had.  To show me how far I've come...and how far I still have to go.  I didn't realize how much I love to hear the clicking of the keys as my fingers give life to the words in my head.  It feels invigorating and liberating to me.  A deep breath and a "waiting to exhale" moment come over me and I think of how amazing it is that I got to rediscover this today.  I've missed my old friend...my bsp (Blog Spot Page) and I hope she has missed me too...because we are going to be spending a lot of time together.  I read somewhere once that "The pen is mightier than the sword."  The root of the word sword comes from Pronto-Indo-European "swer-" ...which means "to wound, to cut"...and when I think of how many things in my life have wounded and cut me I understand why I started this blog in the first place...but if you put pressure on the wound the bleeding stops...and eventually there is new skin where a hole used to be...and I'm glad that I can find comfort in that new skin.  So comfortable in fact that I do believe I'm going to pull up a chair and stay here with my bsp for awhile....and I'd love some company...so join me if you will...