Friday, April 5, 2013

Have to...

Well I am happy to report that I had a great week!!! I stayed on my healthy eating path and exercised for at least 30 minutes everyday...okay...so if any of you are calling me on my crappy lie...you're right!!!  I didn't do any of it!!! My intentions were good...my efforts were bleh.  I had the thought of joining a boot camp thing for a month.  Then I realized that it's the exact same day and time as babygirl's dance class...so that won't work.  When I think about it though I guess I'm never gonna have time if I don't make time...because there is always something else I have to do.  Do you ever feel like your whole life is "have to"...sometimes I do...but when I'm tired from working and I start complaining that I have to work...I try to remember the tens of thousands of people in this country who would work anywhere that would take them...when I complain that I have to make dinner...I try to remind myself of how blessed I am just to have food...and if food is such a blessing then why on earth do I curse my body with it??? Good question, no answer.  Maybe some day...I said this today at lunch.  Sitiing around the break room with some co-workers.  Somehow the subject of my dad came up and I was telling them that every day I beg him to just come to me...give me a sign that he can hear me...and every day so far I've gotten nothing...so maybe some day.  I was thinking about the things that I never did with my dad.  Things that I'll never do with him.  I am trying to remain grateful for what I did have.  I mean, he and I didn't have to spend time together...we wanted to.  And how awesome is that.  I think when kids are young, parents really don't have much of a choice to be or not be around our kids.  I mean not really.  But when children become adults we do have a choice.  He didn't have to like me and I didn't have to like him.  Love would always be there...almost by default...but like...we have to work on like.  And I'm glad to say I seriously liked him and I think he liked me to...enough to come to me in my dreams and give me one of his giant hugs??? I sure hope so!  Maybe some day...I'll let you know about it!!!

Monday, April 1, 2013

I think..therefore I am (going crazy!!!)

In order for me to feel like I can really let all of you in, really get down on paper what I am feeling inside, I have to be alone with my thoughts.  The reason it's been so long since my last post is because these days I don't like being alone with my thoughts.  My thoughts bring me tears and grief.  My thoughts bring me anxiety and anger.  So I have been trying my best to avoid being alone with my thoughts.  The problem with that is if I don't let them out, they manifest themselves physically.  I have had the worst migraines I have ever had in my life.  My eyes burn all the time...like there is smoke in them or something.  My hair is falling out.  My stomach hurts...and my arms are starting to ache.  To sum it all up...I feel like crap!  I decided tonight that I can no longer be afraid to be alone with my thoughts, but instead I need to let it all out.  And I mean let it all out in a productive way...not in a go home and yell at your husband and daughter way (not admitting to you that I've done that but...okay...I've done that) so here I am again...inviting you to come with me.  Asking you to understand...maybe relate...maybe laugh... and maybe cry with me as I continue on this journey which is my life...and this quest that I have begun so many times to get fit and live a healthier way.  I'll start off by saying that I have been a bad bad girl (food wise okay...you sickos!!!)  I have eaten every single emotion I have felt these past couple of months.  I have stuffed my face with the saltiest, greasiest, yummiest tasting, artery clogging, blood pressure elevating food I could get my hands on.  I have eaten in shame...alone in my car...getting rid of the evidence before I got home...and I have enjoyed over stuffing myself with my family.  Feeling my body say "please don't give me anymore" but my mind say "if you eat one more bite you'll feel so much better."  It's a curse this emotional eating thing.  A way for me to slowly kill myself while not feeling so guilty, well not in front of people anyway...believe me when I look in the mirrior I feel alot of guilt...I just know how to hide it pretty well.  At least I think I do.  Maybe you people that know me are reading this right now thinking "sorry honey...you do not hide it at all" (okay I just assume that when you all think of me you think of me as "honey" haha) or maybe you had no idea.  I'm tired of it though...and it's time for me to really get right.  It was a good food day today...well...yeah...okay good is a good way to put it I guess.  I don't count calories because I don't like math...just kidding...I mean I don't like math but....anyway...I will be reporting what I ate today.  For breakfast I had a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles with 2% milk...not quite the same as Special K with skim milk but wwwaaaayyyyy better than a sausage mcmuffin.  I had a snack about an hour later (because cocoa pebbles can only take me so far) which consisted of a banana.  I ate the banana slowly because in my mind it was covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce (you thought I was gonna start the ice cream and cake and cake...ice cream and cake and cake....ice cream and cake do the ice cream and cake....now that will be in your head all night...your welcome...)  About an hour after that I had a light strawberry yogurt which I have come to really enjoy the taste of.  It wasn't greek yougurt...and it didn't turn anyone into John Stamos...but I did catch the last few minutes of a Full House episode later on so I got my Uncle Jesse fix.  For lunch I had a Healthy Choice meal...some type of chicken dish.  It was really good...better than I expected actually and very easy to make...just pop it in the microwave.  For dinner we had salmon, rice, and mixed veggies with a green salad.  And by green salad I mean a pile of lettuce topped with some cheese because we are all out of fresh veggies.  I added about a teaspoon of ranch for some flavor.  Oh  I almost forgot...I did indulge in some left over chocolate eater eggs at work...why???...because if someone puts a chocolate easter egg in front of your face your gonna eat it...and I admit I stuffed those little things in my mouth as if they had grown legs and were trying to run away!!! And they were sooooo good...and I'm gonna stop talking about that now because it's making my mouth water.  But my biggest victory today.  I have not had one soda!!! (1-2-3 Hooray!!!) And even though my head is pounding from caffeine withdrawals and the sound of the spanish music blasting from my neighbors house makes me want to go hit someone over the head with a blunt object...I will go to bed in a few minutes and not feel it anyway...and tomorrow I will take it hour by hour just like I did today.  I also did 30 minutes of exercise with my husband (a Tae Bo video...you sickos!!!) and it felt like my lungs were gonna fall out onto the floor...and that actually felt pretty good.  I didn't enjoy it though...which is a red flag for me to start really looking for something I enjoy (Zumba anyone???) because if I don't like it I won't stick to it for long...(that's the reason why i've had 4 husbands!!!...kidding...)  I have dreaded the nights...when I lie alone with my thoughts...but tonight I will face it...I will cry...and I won't regret it but allow it to heal me. And by the grace of God I will fall into a peaceful sleep for the first time in a long time.  So I pray that you all have a good night and sweet dreams.  Hasta manana peeps!!!

P.S.
Please donot call 911.  I swear I will not go to my neighbors and hit anyone over the head with a blunt object...I might htrow it through the window though...but don't tell anyone!  ;)