Drumroll Please.......

244.  That's what I weigh today.  244.  The last time I weighed myself I was 246.  That was at the end of December.  Now I know two pounds isn't much...but it feels like a victory to me!  I read this thing that someone posted on facebook once (....sigh...facebook...) and it said that even if you lose 1/2 a pound a week for one year, at the end of the year you will be 26 pounds lighter!!!  Now that's a different way of looking at it right???  When I read it I said out loud "I never thought about it that way".  Would I like it to be more??? Abso-freakin-lutely...but I'll take 2 pounds...because it's 2 pounds in the right direction.  It took me a long time to put this weight on...so I don't expect it to go away over night...but these two pounds has given me an extra motivational push...and that feels pretty good.  My day didn't start out with my being so motivated.  I got in my car this morning determined to eat breakfast at McDonald's (distractions, distractions)...so I drove there (in the opposite direction of the way I should go to work) and they were working on the parking lot of the shopping center...so my usual entryway into the drive-thru was blocked off.  I drive out of the parking lot, around the corner to the opposite entry to the shopping center...AND IT WAS BLOCKED OFF!!! I knew there had to be a way to get in because there were several cars in the drive thru...by now about 10 minutes had passed by and I was going to be way late to work. I made an illegal U-turn and completely passed the only entry in to the McDonald's drive-thru!!!  My options were to turn around again (ridiculous by now) or drive away.  I took that as a sign for God that I should not eat breakfast there (so I went back for dinner...JUST KIDDING!!!HAHA!!!) but seriously, as much as I wanted it...I drove away...at first I felt bummed...but after a few minutes I felt victorious!  I drove to work (about 20 minutes up the mountains) in a great mood, singing along to the music on the radio.  When I got to work I fixed myself a nice cup of strawberries and cream oatmeal (oatmeal has become one of my favorite things to eat...omg...never thought I would be saying that!!!)...and it satisfied me just fine...without the terrible "I'm such a hefer and I wish I wouldn't have eaten that" feeling.  For lunch I had a small bowl of soap that a co-worker made.  I snacked on cherry mist yogurt (which made me gag a little bit because it was sour...but I finished it) and around 3:00 I ate a little bit more of the soup.  For dinner I had chicken, macaroni salad and a LARGE piece of french bread...not as good as I could've done...but better than fast food (I think...at least it felt better)...and the best part?? Making fresh squeezed lemonade with my baby girl for the very first time...it makes me sad that she's 8 and we had never made fresh squeezed lemonade before...but I'm happy that we did it today...better late than never!  And I must say that it was the sweetest, most awesome lemonade I had ever had...thinking that's because my babygirl makes everything sweet (insert collective "AWWW" here) and because we had a pretty good conversation while we were doing it...(because when your 8 squeezing lemons just the right way is a big deal).  I also have not had a soda today (as my mouth waters just thinking about a Dr. Pepper) but I did sneak in a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (geez...like you would've turned it down) so that gave me a little bit of chocolate which hopefully will ward off the caffeiene headache that is absolutely going to haunt me soon (caffeine is a hell of a drug!!!)  I feel good...I feel motivated...I feel sleepy right now so I'm gonna say goodnight!!!

P.S.
I am being motivated and uplifted by the song "Move" by MercyMe...and today when I abandoned my quest at McDonald's that was the song that was playing on the radio...and I smiled and turned it up LOUD!!!  So I encourage you to google it (or youtube it, or whatever else you can do these days to find it) and give it a listen...it will give you a deeper peek into how i am feeling today...but I must warn you...you will want to dance...and there isn't a damn thing wrong with that!!! :o)

Distractions!!!

This past Sunday at church, my pastor talked about distractions.  Of course he was speaking of things that distract us from God, but many of the things he mentioned could be distracting from other things in my life too.  He said that even things we love and enjoy could end up being a distraction to us....I didn't really get it at first...but then I understood.  For instance...I love and enjoy facebook.  I mean I really do!!! I don't post anything inappropriate...mostly song lyrics, inspiring quotes, and random thoughts.  I enjoy the fact that I have connected with people I haven't seen since 6th grade.  I enjoy reminiscing with people I knew, encouraging people I know, and connecting with people far away.  The problem is that when Pastor Mike said he asked God to reveal to him the things that were distracting him....I knew exactly what the number one answer for myself would be...FACEBOOK.  How sad and pathetic is that!!!  I am a Songpop ninja and I just started getting into Family Feud...only thing is I never really realized how much time all of that could take.  So...on an emotional whim (because I had just had a nasty fight with my husband) I mustered up the courage to deactivate my facebook account...with no warning to anyone...well I did let one person know...and I walked away.  It has only been 2 days...and I miss it!!!  I do plan to reopen it eventually...my goal is to stay away for a month...and I seriously can't hardly wait!!!  I have realized though that I have spent alot more time these last two days doing much more productive things...My eyes don't feel as tired...I have gotten more sleep (oh my gosh is "gotten" a word????well I guess it is now!!!) and I feel much more rested.  I had no idea all the time I was spending on my home computer was effecting (Affecting??? You know what I mean!!!) my life!  It's funny how I have sat around in the evenings feeling like "what should I be doing right now?"...and it is at the time I would be on facebook.  So it was loud and clear to me, what was distracting me from my home...more time with my family...and it made me realize that my road to weight loss is also full of distractions too.  On every street corner I see a set of golden arches...don't even have to say the name of what I am referring to...we all know what the golden arches are...and it ain't my booty in a yellow polka dot bikini!!!  I live on the east side of town and the big shopping center is way on the west side...so...if I take a main street to go shopping I pass (in this order) a Mexican food place, chinese food place, Pizza Hut, Wendy's, Domino's Pizza, Italian resteraunt, Thai food, BBQ place, chili dog stand, Perko's cafe, Burger King, (anyone hungry yet???) Jack in the box, Taco Bell, Rally's, and a few more places on the other side of the street!!! Let's see that's...1....2...3..14...14 places that I listed the names of...and many more I didn't list...Talk about distractions!!!  Why wouldn't I stop at one of those places if I'm hungry and have the money...I do stop at those places if I'm hungry and have the money...I want to go to one of those places now because I'm hungry and have the money!!!  But my road...my weight loss road has to just go in the other direction...make my own path...find my own way.  Ever notice how really bad it smells when your driving by a fast food place??? Okay me neither...to be honest it smells like home to me...but if you really think about it it just smells like grease!!! And grease is the word...for obesity, high blood pressure, lack of energy...basically all the words I could use to describe my overall health...My cardiologist had me to do a stress test today (even though I'm pretty sure the last 10 years of my life have been a stress test!!!) When I was done he told me there was "nothing" wrong with my heart...my problem is I need to "lose weight and lose anxiety"...yes Dr. Behl but how do I do that???  Answer??? I just do it!  I muster up the courage (in some other way that does not invlove fighting with my husband) and I just do it...As the theme to "Rocky" starts to resonate in my ears I feel a new sense of something brewing up inside of me...and although I do not know what it is...I can feel that it's good...could this be it for me seriously or has closing my facebook made me insane??? Well more insane (insanity is not always bad and is sometimes necessary)...Is the buzzing in my head my dryer telling me the clothes are done or does it have anything to do with the fact that I didn't have nearly enough caffeine today??? And if I didn't have enough caffeine am I going to go down to the convenience store and get myself a nice cold Dr.Pepper??? Will the hero (heroin???) of this story be me???  Tune in tomorrow (or a couple of days from now) because the buzzing was my dryer...and I've got clothes to fold!!!

Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do(nuts)

I love to sing!  I seriously, seriously love to sing!  I had my first duet when I was in 8th grade.  Me and my friend Stephanie sang "Dear Santa Have You Had the Measles?"  for a Christmas choir concert.  It was the first time I heard my voice through a microphone.  There were no harmonies or special runs or anything like that in the song...but it felt soooooooo good!!!  When I was a freshman in high school (many, many, many moons ago) I had my first solo.  It was a song that was not in English...it was for a choir competition...and I did well I think.  That was when I had a breathy soft higher voice.  Of course my choir career came to an end when high school did and I left it alone for a long time.  Fast forward a few years and my husband meets this guy at work who tells him of a little thing called "karaoke" and invites us to a bar where he and his wife will be in a contest.  I was hooked!!!  An opportunity to be a rock star every thursday night starting at 10:00?!?!?!  I'll take it!!! Now I know there are some of you that think karaoke is lame...I definately disagree with that!!!  If you're not doing it for anything else but fun...then it really is...well...FUN!!!  When we first started frequenting this lounge ("bar" sounds so dirty!!!) I would have to get a few drops of liquid courage (in the form of a 7/7...or two...but never more than two...except for that one time...) in order to get up on the stage.  I hadn't sang (...sung???) in front of a crowd in years and I was very nervous...drunk people can be really mean!  But I slowly got used to it...slowly stopped drinking...and really started enjoying just singing.  What I noticed though was that my voice had really changed. The soft soprano girl in me had been eaten alive by this sultry, low pitched, (can I say sexified???), woman...and I loved it.  So I started practicing at home.  To songs from Toni Braxton, Anita Baker, and Gladys Knight.  (Pause for some free advice:  Don't ever do a Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston, or Celine DIon song...especially for a contest...no matter how good it is...it will never be as good as the original).  And those singers became my go to songs for different performances that I did.  Lately I have been singing only in church.  So when I saw that auditions were coming up for the annual City of Hope Spectacular (a local variety show) this year I decided to do it.  (My New Year's resolution is to do all of the things that I have ever said "I've always wanted to do that" too) and to be honest I have been wanting to try out for this show since high school!  So there I went.  I chose "Misty Blue" (in the style of Dorothy Moore) because it is one of my favorite songs and I think I do it well.  I also really appreciate the emotion in the song and I feel like I can feel it when I sing it.  The sound system wasn't great.  There were no monitors for me to hear myself, but all in all I feel like I did a good job.  I am my worst critic so I will always find something wrong with any performance...but alot of people in the audience seemed to really enjoy it...and I had a really good time!  The critique from the director of the show was that my outfit didn't go with the song...what did I wear???? Black slacks and a white and black chiffon shirt....what did he want me to wear??? A cocktail dress!!!  Well it was my fault really.  On my audition application I said I would be wearing a cocktail dress...but seeing as how it's not easy for a fatty to find a suitable cocktail dress...I opted for the safe black pants.  If I make it to the show then I will be required to get a cocktail dress.  I think that's going to cause me to create a whole seperate blog!!!  We'll see how it goes.  If I don't make it it'll be okay too.  I auditioned for The Voice a couple of seasons back, obviously didn't make that cut but I wasn't crushed.  The other 9 people in the audition room were seriously 9 of the most talented singers I have ever heard!!! None of us made it!!! I know that they have to choose what makes for good t.v....and if you happen to have talent well that's just a bonus!!!  I don't have a backstory...I could say I'm a compulsive over eater, addicted to Dr. Pepper, and struggling to get it together...but I'm already putting that out for the world to see!!!  If I make it I'll let you know...thinking I'll even post a video here or on my facebook page if I can get my friend Joada to help with that.  We'll see how it goes!  Now I'm on the hunt for a cocktail dress.  Of course the first thing I thought was "how many pounds can I lose before the show" maybe this can be a good short term goal opportunity for me...of course if I get turned down I'm going to want to stuff my face with powdered donuts!!! Bleh!!!

Stress+No Sleep+Dr. Pepper=This Post

I remember the first time I was truly touched by cancer.  It was the early 2000's.  I worked for Holvik Famliy Health Center in Visalia, CA and the doctor/owner was active in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life event.  I was in my mid 20's and had never heard of the event before.  Dr. Holvik seemed very passionate about it, and, his passion made me excited about it too.  I was there early.  Setting up our office's information table ("Fun in the Sun but Not Overdone", the dangers of skin cancer) and I heard an announcement that the survivor's lap was about to begin.  So there I stood. Surrounding the track with hundreds of other people, cheering on the men and women that passed by wearing survivor t-shirts.  Feeling overwhelmed by the smiles on their faces, the sparkle in there eyes.  Then I saw her.  The most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.  Being pulled around the track in a red wagon.  Wearing a survivor t-shirt, waving and laughing at all the people around her.  I laughed and I cried (shoot, I'm crying right now) because I was happy she was wearing a survivors t-shirt...but sad she was wearing a survivors t-shirt.  I would have preferred her to be standing strong and healthy cheering on the parade of survivors.  The following year, at the annual Relay for Life event, I was walking around looking at all of the information booths that were set up.  People also place pictures of loved ones, memorials, of people who have lost the battle with cancer.  So I saw a picture, of a little girl wearing a beautiful white dress, and it said Rest in Peace.  There was a collage of pictures of this little angel, and included in that collage was a picture of a little girl, riding in a red wagon, wearing a survivor t-shirt from the year before.  This was the little girl I had seen in the last years survivor lap, and she had died.
My aunt Janie had cancer.  I was young, and I don't remember much about it.  My family, at that time, was very much a "don't say that in front of the children" kind of family.  I know we used to travel to a hospital about 30 miles from where we lived.  We would go there every night.  I always stayed in the lobby and I remember going to the gift shop every night and buying peppermint candies.  I remember hearing the Peabpo Bryson song "If Ever Your in my Arms Again" every night on the radio on the way home.  I don't remember the struggle, or the fear, or anything that actually had to do with the illness.
My cousin Norma had cancer.  Just a couple of years ago.  She fought it.  She beat it.  She is seriously one of the strongest, bravest women I have and will ever know.  I don't really know the struggles she went through in between the good days, but I know she spoke more of the good days.  I was/am old enough now to know how scary it is.  How dangerous.  Old enough to have my mind go "what if it was me?"
  So why all of this cancer talk...well...my mom had to have a breast biopsy done last week.  Results came in yesterday.  It showed "no definitive evidence of malignancy" which to me is pathologist talk for "well...maybe, maybe not"  She goes back to the surgoen next week and she is going to request an excisional biopsy just to be on the safe side.  I am happy that they did not find cancer but the past few days have been a nightmare!  My anxious mind did a number on me!  Of course all I could think about was the worst possible scenario.  I cried alot.  I prayed alot.  I cried some more.  I was crappy with my family.  Pissed alot of people off.  And I freakin' stuffed my face with as much of the worst food possible that I could get my hands on!!!  I have been drinking about 5 or 6 sodas a day!!! Haven't slept.  I don't smoke, but I swear a cigarette came to mind a time or two...and I wonder...is this me?  Like is this really who I am?  Am I a person who tries to feel better by eating so much junk that I can literally feel it taking my life away?  I am beyond healthy eating habits and excercise.  All of this is more of a mental challenge for me than a physical one.  I do not want to turn to food everytime my life is not perfect, because that is going to be most of the time!!!  So back to the psychologist I go...unashamedly.  Seriously people...if you have ever felt like you need a psychologist...you probably do.  Don't be ashamed or afraid.  I have found that if you open yourself up to it, it really can help.  And pray.  Pray for what you want your life to be.  I pray for things for other people, and I mean those prayers with all my heart.  I have seen great things happen over the years.  Things that I whole heartedly prayed for.  When it comes to praying for myself I don't feel as strong.  I think it's because I don't feel like I deserve it (whatever "it" is) and I have to change that.  I know that God feels like I deserve it...and I'm not gonna argue with Him!!!
  In two weeks I will weigh myself for the first time in a month.  I have exercised sporadically.  Good food choices have been pushed to the back of my mind (as I slowly take another sip of my tall can Dr. Pepper) and I feel like I have pretty much blown this attempt to bits!!! But...as my babygirl walks in the room with her guitar on her back...I realize there are some things that I am really, really good at...and I am not going to bring myself down.  Now if you'll excuse me I have some really horrible guitar chords to listen to...(she's only had 2 lessons so far!!!)....

P.S.
As I am typing my thoughts I realize that the "f" key on my keyboard is not working properly...so unfortunately I will not be able to go on any crazy rants involving the F-word.  Well that's not unortunate (see!!!)  I've been meaning to clean up my potty mouth too!!!

Cheetos and Fritos and Cake...Oh My!

Three words...I BLEW IT!  No excuses.  No rationalizations.  The food was there and I ate it.  I went to Vallarta (a huge Mexican chain grocery store) at 7:00 in the morning to pick up some chips.  That is what I was signed up for on the potluck list.  My plan was to go in, get the chips, and get out.  No pit stops, no injuries to my psyche or my ego or my waistline.  Well Vallarta used to be one of my most favorite spots to have breakfast at (secretly).  I would get 3 carnitas tacos, a side of the greasiest chips in the world, and a small Dr. Pepper.  When I walked in to the store it was like seeing an old boyfriend that I still had the hots for.  The sights, the smells, the sounds...took me straight to the counter to order my breakfast.  I stood there a minute...and then a guy came up to me and said that the girl working that counter would be back in a few minutes.  I took that as a sign from God to run baby run.  So I did.  I walked away from the counter and went directly to the potato chip aisle.  I found the Fritos right away.  The Cheetos I had to take a few minutes to search for...but I eventually did find the ONE BAG they had in that whole store.  I went to the check out...there was no waiting in aisle 7... and I was set to go...and as much as I wanted to go to the right and walk out of the door...it was like my alignment was off or something because I kept veering (spell check please) to the left.  I went ahead and ordered...mmm...not quite my usual.  I ordered 2 carnitas tacos, a small Dr. Pepper with extra ice, and no chips.  When I got in my car I could hear my trainer's voice telling me to make smart choices...I could remember how I felt the last time I  stuffed myself with bad food (otherwise known as the day before yesterday) and I felt convicted...okay not really convicted but I felt kinda guilty.  Nevertheless I ate the tacos...but on a positive note I only took 2 sips of the soda and threw it out.  Wasted money but it felt kinda good in a way.  You see Dr. Pepper is my BFF and to just dump her like that was really hard, but I did it.  I got to work and saw all of the good food that people brought and I knew I was toast (another food reference!!!)  My strategy for lunch hour was to walk for 30 minutes before I ate, because I figured that by the time I came back from my walk most of the good stuff would be gone...instead I ate right away, with everyone else.  I had a hot dog and doritos with nacho cheese and chili on both.  I only drank water...which was actually pretty easy because the only sodas were sprite and diet coke...of which I am not a fan...when the birthday cake came out...can you say chocolate...I resisted.  When the chocolate chip cookies came out my knees buckeled and I caved.  I even had a scoop of vanilla ice cream to go with my cookies.  I had 2 cookies at lunch...and then another about 2:30.  For dinner I had one pork chop, one egg, and one piece of toast (yes I said dinner not breakfast) and . . . . . . I had a "tall can" of Dr. Pepper.  I'm not going to make light of all of this...because it's not a joke...and it's not okay.  This is my life I'm dealing with here and I need to start taking it more seriously.  I have decided today that I will not participate in the pot lucks at work, because I have no will power.  I was having an especially emotional day today so that didn't help me much either.  Someone hurt my feelings, which is why the chocolate chip cookies felt so right.  Old, bad habits really do die hard...but if these habits don't die then I am going to...I mean...I know we're all gonna die some day...but I don't want to help myself into my grave!  God willing I will have tomorrow to start again...I did go for a 25 minute walk today after lunch...and that was a very good thing.  I also discovered that Yoplait Whipped Yogurt in Vanilla flavor almost tastes like buttercream frosting...can I get a big "Hell Yeah!!!"

No Offense Tina Turner but Love has EVERYTHING to Do With It!!

I am eternally grateful for the fact that no one can see me right now.  I'm sitting here in fornt of the computer with headphones on.  What am I listening to you ask??? (Just pretend like you asked!) Absolutely nothing.  I have the headphones on because they were the closest thing within reach that can keep my ears warm, and, my husband has the television on sooooo loud I need something to block out the noise.  Today I thought alot about love.  Love.  A small word that can mean so much to one person and absolutely nothing to another.  One thing I have learned in my 38 years of life is that if someone doesn't love you, they don't love you.  It doesn't mean they are never gonna love you, but you cannot do anything to make someone love you.  Why the heck would you want to make someone love you anyway???  In my life I have loved hard and lost even harder.  I have had people love me that I just couldn't go there with.  I have seen and felt and lived both sides.  So when I say I 'love" food, is that what it is really??? I think not.  I think I have myself convinced that food can heal all things.  I know this by the way I shove french fries in my mouth when I'm pissed.  I know this by the way I crave chocolate chip cookies (or just the dough, because most time it doesn't make it to the oven) when my feelings are hurt.  Love is supposed to make you feel good.  Love should make you want to be more (of whatever you need to be more of)..."Love, should have brought your ass home last night!" (Sorry, sorry...my thoughts ramble on, then I start thinking of music, then I start thinking of movies, and this line is from the movie Boomerang...anyway my thoughts ran away and my fingers followed )....BUT...back to the subject at hand...after I stuff my face with the wrong kinds of foods I feel bad about myself...so I need to stop saying I love food...because based on my own description...I definately don't!  Today was a pretty good food day all in all.  I had a bowl of chocolate cheerios for breakfast,  then an apple, for lunch I had a tuna packet with 3 whole wheat crackers and some pineapple.  I snacked on a chocolate chip granola bar.  I went to my moms for a surprise dinner and when I walked in I was overwhelmed by the smells of (cue suspenseful music)...tamales!!! Yes it's true...these Mexican's eat tamales even when it's not Christmas!!!  I had four (on my plate) then had one more that I took off of my daughter's plate when she wouldn't stay seated on the table (couldn't waste them) and even though my mom kept insisting that I have more (because she loves me) I was able to get up and walk away...literally...I left my mom's house...because I knew that if I sat there and talked I was going to start picking at the tamales until I finished a couple of more.  My soda count today is ZERO!!! I have not had one soda today, which is why my hed is pounding right now.  Caffiene withdrawals suck!!!  As I was starting to get comfortable on the computer my husband came up behind me with a large cup of hot chocolate that included an even LARGER pile of whipped cream on top.  I drank about half and I feeel like the chocolate has helped my headache a little so that's good news.  The most successful part of my day??? Getting through a lunch time work out with my personal trainer.  DOn't get me wrong...it was not easy and I felt like I was going to fall out!!!  But I pushed through it and I finished strong!  My quads are burning from the squats...and I am not looking forward to how they are going to feel tomorrow, but it's a good burn (better than heartburn, corny joke hour at my house)  He also had me do this ting where I pick the medicine ball up over my head and throw it to the ground as hard as I could...now that felt way better emotionally than it did physically...in fact I really didn't even get the point of that until later when I tried to take my scrub top off (get your minds out of the gutter) and couldn't get it past my shoulders because they were burning too!!!  So YAY FOR ME!!! I would call today a success in the food/exercise department.  Tomorrow we're having a potluck at work...frito boats and chili dogs...cake and ice cream...(gulp) Dr. Pepper...pray for me please!!!

Today in the Life of Me!!!

I was supposed to have an appointment with my cardiologist today.  A stress test and echocardiogram so that he can see why my EKG is so abnormal.  I arrived 10 minutes early (I don't know why considering the wait is 2 hours no matter when I show up) and was told that my appointment is next Wednesday.  So seeing as how I had to refrain from caffeine all morning to be prepared for my test, the first thing I did when I left the cardiologist's office was head straight to Superburger!!!  Not that I wanted to have a tall Pepsi on ice, with it's beads of water slowly streaming down the sides of the cup, and the straw tickling my tongue ever so gently.....wait....sorry I blacked out there for a minute...anyway I went to superburger for the ice.  This may sound crazy to some of you but they really do have good ice there.  I usually order a soda, let it sit for awhile, then pour out the majority of the soda ( I don't have the heart to waste all of it, I don't want to hurt it's feelings) and chew on the ice.  And okay I will admit it...(covering my mouth in shame and whispering)...I got fries too...but geez you can't go to Superburger and not get fries!!!  So on that note, it is safe to say, today was a food bust.  For breakfast I was invited to my mother's house, and they don't eat no grapefruit and oatmeal there okay!!!  We had-are you ready-seriously are you ready-Bacon, Eggs, Potatoes (is that how you spell it??) and fresh flour tortillas which I lathered in butter and ate whole while waiting for the rest of my breakfast to be ready.  I did not have a soda though...fine I had a 7up...but 7up is what they give you in the hospital so it can't be all that bad!!!  For lunch I had the aformentioned (is that a word?) fries...for dinner...a tuna sandwich, doritos, and a coke.  (Soda gods be damned!!!)  I am encouraged by the fact that I return to work tomorrow after a couple of weeks of vacation.  I do believe that my idle days have lead to the bad food choices that I have made, and that it is much easier to stick to a diet when there isn't so much time on mine hands.  I have enjoyed my time off, even though I am waaayyyy more exhausted than I have ever been at work.  I was able to sleep on Colorado Blvd for New Years Eve and throw marshmallows (yum) and silly string at the cars passing by.  I was able to watch the rose parade in person on New Years Day with the people I love most in this world.  I spent my 14th wedding anniversary screaming my head off, and though that may sound like a typical day in my life I was actually screaming on the roller coasters this time, so that's good news.  I got to take my babygirl to several of her dance classes (Yes she has SEVERAL dance classes) and I enjoyed seeing the things I have missed as a working mom.  Being with Sundari (my daughter) all of these days in a row has taught me some very important things...#1  That girl gets on my nerves!!!  #2 I wouldn't have it any other way!!!  When I had her I almost died...and it would have been worth it to me...but I'm glad I didn't because every moment I have with her is such a precious, precious gift.  On this, the eve of my final day of vacation, I reflect fondly on all the little things I experienced, and I reflect disgustingly on all of the food I ate...but seriously...who the hell starts a diet during the holidays anyway!!!  To my friends at Tule River Indian Health Center (my job)...hasta manana!!!  No really...I go back tomorrow!!! And to the zero people following this blog across the globe...meet me tomorrow...same place...around the same time...we'll do it again!!!

Back Again!!!

Bless me internet for I have sinned.  It has been 10 months since my last blog post and boy have I blown it!!!  I took some time to review my blog posts past, and, although I did find them very entertaining, I also noticed something that I didn't like at all.  ALOT OF EXCUSES!!!  Alot of "oh I didn't do well today but maybe tomorrow."  That isn't acceptable...it's actually pretty embarrasing!!!  I am not here to make any promises to myself or to anyone else.  I am here because I like blogging.  I could keep a papaer diary and keep my thoughts to myself...but what's the fun in that???  I am not ashamed of the person I am...I do have many things that I have done that I am ashamed of...maybe one day I'll get into those, maybe not...but I don't have anything to hide.  My weight has gone up.  My health has declined.  I blame me, myself, and I and it is up to me, myself, and I to get my crap together!!!  On my FB I posted that I am in serious need of a make over...and that is truly how I feel.  I don't need Stacy and Clinton to tell me what not to wear and I don't need Jillian Michaels to make me the biggest loser (cause I feel like a big loser most of the time anyway!!!)  I need to get stuff off my chest.  I need to believe in myself more.  I need to stop talking about it and start being about it.  I feel mad right now...hmmm...