40 by 40

So it's safe to say I'm over it.  I'm over feeling like crap because of a bad decision I made.  I'm over it because the people I love are getting over it...and forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  At first I felt as if my getting over it and trying to go on like "normal" would be disrespectful...like I didn't care enough to be remorseful.  Turns out that my getting back to normal is exactly what the "victims" of my thoughtless actions want from me.  Turns out that things getting back to normal is exactly what I want to.  Like I said forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  And because I can now see it again...the beauty in my life...now more than ever...I need to get my control back.  So I have come up with my own campaign (if you will)...the "40 by 40 Project".  My 40th birthday is on November 21st...so my gift to myself is to lose 40 pounds by the time I turn 40.  That gives me about 5 months...which I believe is do-able.  It gives me enough time to take my time and think about what I'm doing without the stress that would make me starve myself to reach my goals.  I want the results to last way past 40...but when I step onto that Grand Canyon Skywalk on my birthday I want to know that, not only did I go see something that my late great father said was the most amazing thing he's ever seen...but I will do it knowing that I finally "did it"...I finally set a weight loss goal and met it.  No excuses. No regrets.  Just results of hard work and dedication.  I will post more frequently than usual.  I will also weigh myself more regularly which I admit makes me nervous...but I don't think that getting on a scale should ever make me as anxious as it does...so I am prepared to look that bitch right in the eye and say "you don't scare me"...and I'm looking forward to the day that I will actually mean it!  I am going to post some pictures...measurements...and all that good stuff so that you all can see my progress...and I can have one hell of a story when all of this is done.  Of course I don't want it to ever be done...but I don't want it to always be a struggle.  I will be seeing a counselor to maintain (or regain I should say!!!) a healthy mental state.  I won't compare myself to anyone or anything else...because I am just me and I'm good with that.  I have been doing well lately (well up until my point of total failure) and I can say I am proud of what I have accomplished.  Since November I have lost 25 pounds.  Not with consistent working at it but with sporadic efforts...but you know what...I'm better than that...and I deserve to give myself all I've got.  So 40 by 40 it is...and 40 by 40 it will be!!!

Food for Thought

Consider the consequences of your decisions.

I could stop right there and leave everyone with something to think about...but I have a little bit more to say than that...so I'll go on.  I made a bad decision.  Did the wrong thing.  Chose the wrong path.  I won't say what it was right now (I know, I know!!!) because I'm not the only one involved...but, eventually, someday maybe, I will have the permission (and the balls) to admit to the world exactly what it is I'm referring to.  Until then I have to just keep it cryptic.  I'm not proud of what I did...and I'm not using this blog to boast.  I know it's nobody's business.  I also know that this blog is very therapeutic for me and I do feel better after I have hit the "publish" button, so I have decided to (sort of) put it out there.  I haven't felt as bad as I do now since I was a teenager (about 5 years ago... I wish!!!) and it's a sucky way to live.  Guilt is a mean, awful, monster...and she is doing a number on me right now.  I hurt people that I love by my actions...and you know what I'm getting for it??? Love.  That's right ladies (and gentlemen?) I am getting nothing but love in return.  What's wrong with that? Well nothing, if I could accept the love I'm getting.  Truth is at this point I don't feel worthy of anyone's love...and the unconditional, all consuming, enormous amounts of love I am getting thrown my way is making me feel worse!!!  So what am I doing about it??? Well this isn't called "The Double Chin Diaries" for nothing....so I am eating the hell out of my overwhelming feelings of guilt.  These past few days have been the worst!  I feel like if I can eat (and eat, and eat) until I feel physically sick, then maybe my physical grow-dee-ness will surpass my emotional grow-dee-ness and I can feel better about myself.  Of course all of you know that doesn't work...and it really doesn't.  At this point I feel disgusted.  My self-esteem is at zilcho.  Can't stand to look at myself in the mirror...(right now your probably like "damn...what did she do", just remember that awful actions are in the eye of the beholder...so maybe you wouldn't think it is worth all this...then again maybe you would be just as disgusted as I am and never read this blog again!) I always knew I was an emotional eater.  I didn't realize it was this bad...Every night I say to myself that tomorrow I'm gonna throw all of this negative energy into exercise instead of food...but so far that hasn't happened.  I am out of control at this point.  The good thing is I'm not keeping it a secret (obviously) and I am receiving support...the bad thing is the more support I get the more I want to eat.  Love isn't the only thing that's a battlefield right now my friends...and I'm a lover, not a fighter...so I guess I'll just have to wait and see if victory will be mine...

Summer Breeze Makes Me Feel FIne

Sleepless nights suck big time donkey dong!!!  While I lay in bed tossing and turning to the melodic sounds of my husband and daughter's snoring (don't worry all of you who oppose to co-sleeping...she's only in our bed because she watched a Percy Jackson movie that freaked her out...not to mention the fact that, even though she's already 9...she'll always be my baby (word Mariah!) and darn it she can sleep with me if she wants to so there!!!) I couldn't sleep last night either. So today when I got home from church (cause you can use terms like "suck big time donkey dong" and believe in God all at the same time) I took a nice long nap which I guess was too long because now I can't sleep again!  Tomorrow I will be tired because I get up at 4:30 in the morning (my standing appointment time with Shawn T) in order to do everything I like to do before I wake my family to start their day...so...since I'm not working tomorrow I will probably take a nap and the vicious cycle will go on and on...boo!!! I know why I can't sleep...I went to visit my dad's grave yesterday.  He's been in heaven now for over a year and it's probably been about a year since I've gone to the cemetery.  Every day when I left work I passed right by his house.  I never stopped and took the time for a quick hello or for one of his awesome hugs...I just drove by...waved at him if he was outside...and figured I would stop and visit some other time.  So for the longest time I felt like it was pointless to make the time and effort to go see his grave if I didn't do it while he was alive...but the truth is for months now I have been feeling like I needed to go...so Saturday when I got off of work I stopped and took the time.  I pulled out of the driveway and turned left instead of right.  I made the extra effort to drive up the hill to the upper cemetery on the Rez.  I pulled up to the gate turned my car off and took a deep breath...my dad's grave is visible from where I parked my car and for a while I just sat there...almost convinced myself that that was enough...but I knew if I didn't get off of my car this feeling of needing to go wouldn't have been satisfied.  So I sucked it up and went right up to his grave.  I had nothing to say.  Nothing in my heart or on my mind. I just stood there.  Taking in the sight of where his body was laid to rest.  Reading the beautiful wooden cross that marks his grave.  It's still very unreal to me...and the fact that I didn't just break down and cry was strange as well.  I looked up and saw a bench...so I moved it over right next to the grave.  The day was so still.  There was no movement...no noise...none that I could hear anyway.  And even though I was surrounded by other people who's bodies found there resting place at that same cemetery it felt as if it was just he and I.  After awhile of sitting there in silence I said out loud (to him, to myself?) "So tell me how it feels dad...to live in total peace and total freedom."  and immediately a strong gust of wind came.  I lifted my head and closed my eyes and felt the cool breeze on my face.  I heard a wind chime in the distance playing the sweetest sound I had ever heard...and I knew deep down inside that that was him answering me...and as soon as the wind stopped I broke down and cried...and I haven't stopped crying yet.  But through my tears I have reflected on that precious moment that he gave to me and I have come to discover this. What my dad was telling me in the wind is that I don't have to wait until I am in heaven to experience total peace and total freedom...I can have that right now as I'm living.  I can live every day feeling the breeze on my face and hearing the wind chimes make music.  I can let go of the things that bother me (especially the things I have no control over) and I can fix the things that I do have control over.  The one thing I need to fix is how I eat when I'm in a hyper emotional state.  For me any elevated emotion is an avenue for eating crap.  On Saturday I had a huge rib eye steak with fries (yum...fries...) and a side of broccoli (that I did eat).  I had a huge Pepsi with at least a couple of refills...then at 10:00 at night I ate an Oreo Milkshake from Sonic (which made no boys came to the yard by the way...haha).  Sunday I ate half a cinnamon roll and two powdered donut holes for breakfast, a junior bacon cheeseburger with fries (there's that word again) and a soda and a chocolate frosty, and a Large Dr. Pepper with a beef flour taco for dinner.  As wonderful as my calorie-fest may sound...I did't enjoy a single bit of it.  To be honest (or TBH to all of you generation thumbers out there) I couldn't even tell you what any of it tasted like...because I was only stuffing my face to try to stop the tears for my dad...and guess what...the tears came down anyway.  My goal this week is to start finding peace and freedom from emotional eating, because I think that is my biggest obstacle in my journey.  So instead of reaching for a Dr. Pepper right now I think I'm just gonna let myself cry...and if that's not enough...I can always step outside and enjoy the breeze on my face...