Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Almost 1 month to the day since my las post!!!  I'm really letting my blog down!!!  Well my weigh in after 1 month went well.  I met my goal of losing 2 pounds...hooray!!!....but...now I am sad to report that I have gained a pound and a half back since then...boo!!!  So my total weight loss thus far is .5 pounds.  I think that February is a terrible time to try to lose weight.  Too much chocolate floating around!  Of course I just saw an advertisement on t.v. for the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Eggs so I can't use Valentine's day as an excuse.  I didn't exercise as much as I would've liked to.  My heart issues (I refuse to use the words "heart" and Problems" together) stopped me from doing too much.  I guess it wasn't really the heart issues but the fear of having heart issues that stopped me.  I am slowly (and I do mean slowly) getting back to physical activity.  As I am typing this I can smell the cupcakes baking in the kitchen.  Tomorrow we are having a potluck at work (AGAIN) and I am making cupcakes...I know it's not a fancy shmansy dish but I had all the ingredients at home already so it was the easiest thing for me.  I'm getting sick of these potlucks (no offense to the food or the people that bring it) because it makes it hard to stick to a good eating plan.  Yeah...I suppose I could just walk away...but you can say that if you don't know how AWESOME the food is that people bring...and don't even get me started on the desserts!!!  I asked my mom to stop making me dinner (again no offense but geez) and so for my last supper she made me (at my request) pork chops, eggs, and fresh homemade tortillas...it was super duper delish.  I savored each bite then felt a sudden disgust with myself when I thought about how many times I have asked my mom to stop making me dinner, and how many times I have had a last good meal before I start my diet...when will this vicious cycle end?!?!?!?!?!?  I believe in me...I know God is faithful...this is it...I just know it!!!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

7:26 and babygirl is already asleep.  Hubby is at church and it's just me and the computer (with Giuliana Rancic in the background, I love her!!!).  Feeling a little more encouraged today.  I contacted a friend who put me in touch with someone I can get some counseling from.  I have seen a psychologist before (alas, it is true...I am a basket case) she was professional but not a Christian and I do believe that will make a difference.  I listened to "Desert Song" (I hope I spelled the word for a hot place with lots of sand and not the word for chocolate cake...mmmm cake...) by Hillsong and I have to say it was uplifting.  Slowly coming out of my woe-is-me mentality and back to reality.  As the song says "all of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" and I really do.  I have so many reasons to sing (hoping I can sing soon, I'm kinda out of breathe lately and I can't get through a song without getting dizzy which is VERY frustrating for me) and I definitely have a reason to worship (just being alive one more day).  I went to look for some boots for babygirl at Kohl's and, turns out, boots are no longer in season so they have none, so I walked to Target from there to keep on looking.  That took some courage for me.  No Kohl's isn't far from Target, but it is far enough for my heart to react in a play that funky music sort of way.  I took it slow (out of breathe remember) and prayed the whole way.  I made it to Target with no pain, no funky rhythms, and no dizziness.  I was encouraged by that!  I, however, was not encouraged by the fact that boots are out of season at Target too, bbbuuuutttt, I did find a cute Hello Kitty watch (ssshhhh it's a surprise).  It being the first, I expected some traffic at Target but was pleased to find it not so bad, the biggest distraction??? The smell of fresh popcorn popping!!! That is torture for someone who is trying to limit their salt intake.  I started thinking about it...first rationally..."don't do it Jeanette, your stronger than that"...then irrationally..."if you have an Icee too it will instantly kill the salt content because of the ice"...then my mom called, just like she has been, every 15 minutes, everyday since I got out of the hospital.  As I rolled my eyes and answered the phone I was taken away from the great popcorn debate of 2012.  As it turns out my mom was going to Target too (you see she really didn't need to be there, she just can't bear the fact of my being anywhere alone) so I waited for her to get there.  I love my mom.  I feel very sad for those of you who don't have their mothers anymore.  I didn't always like her, sometimes still don't, but I love her to infinity and beyond. (anyone who knows my mom knows why she is so loved by everyone).  I imagine all of this must be very hard for her.  Made me realize that my health issues don't just affect (effect? whatever!) me but everyone else in my life as well.  Babygirl has been having nightmares of being lost, not able to find me or her dad.  My husband holds everything inside, but I can tell he is on edge.  He really is like a rock...boy when he promised "in sickness and in health" he had no idea what he was getting himself into!  I am blessed to have him.  My cousin Mandy, who is like my sister, sat by my side on Saturday while I was crying and told me she "needs" me to be around.  The thought of all of this made me feel like I am being selfish for feeling all poor poor pitiful me.  So I am going to try harder to be stronger.  I have too much life to live.  Several things I need to work out, and a babygirl I need to see get married (I pray for her future husband everyday).  Babysteps are key.  I got my DASH diet book today.  It's interesting, pretty obvious stuff.  Eat better. Exercise. Lose weight. Lower blood pressure.  I like that it has full days menus for 29 straight days.  Some foods I like, some are growdy but I'll eat them, some I've never tasted but gonna give it a try!  Haven't gotten much into dancing (my exercise of choice) but I did bob my head back and forth as I listened to Kirk Franklin on my Ipod.  Thinking of taking up yoga.  Right now the sky's the limit.  Today I ate a bowl of Crunch Berries and a banana for breakfast.  Some crackers (boo!!!) for a snack.  At lunch I was bad, bad, bad to the bone...the rib bone that is! I went to my aunts house and had ribs, beans, and tortillas...there are just some things a person shouldn't even try to resist!!!  Tomorrow's another day...another chance...another way...I'm in such a good mood right now...can't think of a better way to end my day...gonna go to bed!!! Goodnight all!!! (Just realized the last few lines rhymed, not trying to do that on purpose...I guess i'm just a lyrical genius!!)