Summer Breeze Makes Me Feel FIne

Sleepless nights suck big time donkey dong!!!  While I lay in bed tossing and turning to the melodic sounds of my husband and daughter's snoring (don't worry all of you who oppose to co-sleeping...she's only in our bed because she watched a Percy Jackson movie that freaked her out...not to mention the fact that, even though she's already 9...she'll always be my baby (word Mariah!) and darn it she can sleep with me if she wants to so there!!!) I couldn't sleep last night either. So today when I got home from church (cause you can use terms like "suck big time donkey dong" and believe in God all at the same time) I took a nice long nap which I guess was too long because now I can't sleep again!  Tomorrow I will be tired because I get up at 4:30 in the morning (my standing appointment time with Shawn T) in order to do everything I like to do before I wake my family to start their day...so...since I'm not working tomorrow I will probably take a nap and the vicious cycle will go on and on...boo!!! I know why I can't sleep...I went to visit my dad's grave yesterday.  He's been in heaven now for over a year and it's probably been about a year since I've gone to the cemetery.  Every day when I left work I passed right by his house.  I never stopped and took the time for a quick hello or for one of his awesome hugs...I just drove by...waved at him if he was outside...and figured I would stop and visit some other time.  So for the longest time I felt like it was pointless to make the time and effort to go see his grave if I didn't do it while he was alive...but the truth is for months now I have been feeling like I needed to go...so Saturday when I got off of work I stopped and took the time.  I pulled out of the driveway and turned left instead of right.  I made the extra effort to drive up the hill to the upper cemetery on the Rez.  I pulled up to the gate turned my car off and took a deep breath...my dad's grave is visible from where I parked my car and for a while I just sat there...almost convinced myself that that was enough...but I knew if I didn't get off of my car this feeling of needing to go wouldn't have been satisfied.  So I sucked it up and went right up to his grave.  I had nothing to say.  Nothing in my heart or on my mind. I just stood there.  Taking in the sight of where his body was laid to rest.  Reading the beautiful wooden cross that marks his grave.  It's still very unreal to me...and the fact that I didn't just break down and cry was strange as well.  I looked up and saw a bench...so I moved it over right next to the grave.  The day was so still.  There was no movement...no noise...none that I could hear anyway.  And even though I was surrounded by other people who's bodies found there resting place at that same cemetery it felt as if it was just he and I.  After awhile of sitting there in silence I said out loud (to him, to myself?) "So tell me how it feels dad...to live in total peace and total freedom."  and immediately a strong gust of wind came.  I lifted my head and closed my eyes and felt the cool breeze on my face.  I heard a wind chime in the distance playing the sweetest sound I had ever heard...and I knew deep down inside that that was him answering me...and as soon as the wind stopped I broke down and cried...and I haven't stopped crying yet.  But through my tears I have reflected on that precious moment that he gave to me and I have come to discover this. What my dad was telling me in the wind is that I don't have to wait until I am in heaven to experience total peace and total freedom...I can have that right now as I'm living.  I can live every day feeling the breeze on my face and hearing the wind chimes make music.  I can let go of the things that bother me (especially the things I have no control over) and I can fix the things that I do have control over.  The one thing I need to fix is how I eat when I'm in a hyper emotional state.  For me any elevated emotion is an avenue for eating crap.  On Saturday I had a huge rib eye steak with fries (yum...fries...) and a side of broccoli (that I did eat).  I had a huge Pepsi with at least a couple of refills...then at 10:00 at night I ate an Oreo Milkshake from Sonic (which made no boys came to the yard by the way...haha).  Sunday I ate half a cinnamon roll and two powdered donut holes for breakfast, a junior bacon cheeseburger with fries (there's that word again) and a soda and a chocolate frosty, and a Large Dr. Pepper with a beef flour taco for dinner.  As wonderful as my calorie-fest may sound...I did't enjoy a single bit of it.  To be honest (or TBH to all of you generation thumbers out there) I couldn't even tell you what any of it tasted like...because I was only stuffing my face to try to stop the tears for my dad...and guess what...the tears came down anyway.  My goal this week is to start finding peace and freedom from emotional eating, because I think that is my biggest obstacle in my journey.  So instead of reaching for a Dr. Pepper right now I think I'm just gonna let myself cry...and if that's not enough...I can always step outside and enjoy the breeze on my face...