Food for Thought

Consider the consequences of your decisions.

I could stop right there and leave everyone with something to think about...but I have a little bit more to say than that...so I'll go on.  I made a bad decision.  Did the wrong thing.  Chose the wrong path.  I won't say what it was right now (I know, I know!!!) because I'm not the only one involved...but, eventually, someday maybe, I will have the permission (and the balls) to admit to the world exactly what it is I'm referring to.  Until then I have to just keep it cryptic.  I'm not proud of what I did...and I'm not using this blog to boast.  I know it's nobody's business.  I also know that this blog is very therapeutic for me and I do feel better after I have hit the "publish" button, so I have decided to (sort of) put it out there.  I haven't felt as bad as I do now since I was a teenager (about 5 years ago... I wish!!!) and it's a sucky way to live.  Guilt is a mean, awful, monster...and she is doing a number on me right now.  I hurt people that I love by my actions...and you know what I'm getting for it??? Love.  That's right ladies (and gentlemen?) I am getting nothing but love in return.  What's wrong with that? Well nothing, if I could accept the love I'm getting.  Truth is at this point I don't feel worthy of anyone's love...and the unconditional, all consuming, enormous amounts of love I am getting thrown my way is making me feel worse!!!  So what am I doing about it??? Well this isn't called "The Double Chin Diaries" for nothing....so I am eating the hell out of my overwhelming feelings of guilt.  These past few days have been the worst!  I feel like if I can eat (and eat, and eat) until I feel physically sick, then maybe my physical grow-dee-ness will surpass my emotional grow-dee-ness and I can feel better about myself.  Of course all of you know that doesn't work...and it really doesn't.  At this point I feel disgusted.  My self-esteem is at zilcho.  Can't stand to look at myself in the mirror...(right now your probably like "damn...what did she do", just remember that awful actions are in the eye of the beholder...so maybe you wouldn't think it is worth all this...then again maybe you would be just as disgusted as I am and never read this blog again!) I always knew I was an emotional eater.  I didn't realize it was this bad...Every night I say to myself that tomorrow I'm gonna throw all of this negative energy into exercise instead of food...but so far that hasn't happened.  I am out of control at this point.  The good thing is I'm not keeping it a secret (obviously) and I am receiving support...the bad thing is the more support I get the more I want to eat.  Love isn't the only thing that's a battlefield right now my friends...and I'm a lover, not a fighter...so I guess I'll just have to wait and see if victory will be mine...