My new addiction is saltine crackers.  When I was in my late teens I went through this phase where I would just sit and munch on saltine crackers and now I am re-living that I guess.  I am feeling better.  The new medication the doctors gave me at the hospital was suffocating me.  Literally.  I felt like I couldn't breathe and, when I went to the doctor and she checked me out, it turns out I really couldn't.  I got a breathing treatment, a different medication, and (thank God) lungs full of air again!  I took another week off of work.  I am afraid that I will lose my job but I can't do anything about that.  It's funny that for awhile I didn't care about my job, regretted ever getting one, and was convinced that I somehow betrayed my husband and daughter by even getting a job...now...I don't know how to be home!  I mean I'm sure I could get used to it again but I have actually been enjoying my work the past couple of months.  It has helped me in so many ways. There is the obvious financial gain (who really cares, not me really...really I don't) okay I admit it's been nice, but it's also given me the opportunity to get closer to people I probably would've never met any other way.  I am reconnecting with people I haven't seen in years and getting to know people who I may have had the opportunity to grow up with had my parents' relationship gone differently.  I like it.  I feel like I have a place there.  Whether or not I really do I don't know but I do feel like it.  So I'm praying that they understand, I would much rather be at work than home because my heart decided to skip a few beats!!!  We'll see what happens.
While I'm home I would love to say I am exercising and getting it together but that would be a lie.  To be honest I'm afraid to exercise that it's going to get me right back to the palpitations...but I can't let that fear cripple me forever...the whole point of this blog is my journey to weight loss.  I knew it was going to turn into something different but I had no idea it would be so soon.  So getting back to the business at hand I can report that I ate a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast with the last of the 2% milk (1% here we come, eeewwww) and now I am munching on crackers.  Thinking about having a banana.  No exercise to log in, like I said I'm scared right now so I'll wait.  It's almost time for me to weigh myself again. First of the month!  As I stuff another cracker in my mouth.....

Thumpity thump thump, Thumpity thump thump, Look at My Heart Go!!!

PVC's/Bigeminy.  That's what they called it this time.  When I woke up in the morning I could tell instantly that something was off.  I felt like there was a balloon in my chest.  Not pressure or pain, but a fullness that s hard to explain. (The rhyme there was accidental, but cool, anyway...)  I am pretty used to these palpitations.  Had them for years, and after years of panicking to the point of a panic attack I have learned to just take a deep breath and let them pass.  This time, though, there was no passing.  I waited and waited, then I felt like the thumps were making me cough.  When I coughed to the point of vomiting a little voice in my head so "Uh-oh".  After an straight hour with non-stop palpitations I looked at my husband and said I need to go the E.R. now.  Since my mom works next door she was able to take me.  I have to admit, with no offense to anyone, that I dreaded going to Sierra View.  Past experiences there have been bad, and for awhile when I went I had a feeling they didn't take me seriously. (Whether the symptoms are physiological or mental, they are still real to the person feeling them.)  I was glad when I got to the E.R. because no one else was there.  They took me in right away, got me hooked up to a billion machines and said I was "in PVC's".  This was already about two hours in to non-stop palpitations.  I felt weak and nauseous.  They didn't do much for me.  Mostly just watching the monitors, but I felt alot safer there than I would have at home (I don't own a crash cart).  After about three hours I had to get up out of bed because I felt a surge of anxiety, like I was crawling out of my skin.  That scared me because I didn't know where it was coming form.  Was it really anxiety or was it the "impending doom" people feel right before they have a heart attack?  I let the nurse know and she came back with medication.  Ativan (my new best friend) right into the blood stream.  So it turns out that it was anxiety, because the medication helped.  After four hours in the E.R. I was taken to my lovely studio suite on the 2nd floor with a view of the rooftop and windows.  I looked around and thought, Lord what the heck is happening?  I was begging in my mind for God to please make it stop.  It did stop after 12 hours.  yep, that's right, 12 hours of heart palpitations!  I woke up with a sore chest, like someone had been pounding on it all night, but the palpitations were gone.  I found out that PVC's are considered Bigeminy when two occur one right after the other with no normal heart beat in between.  That could lead to Trigeminy, which can lead to V Fib, which can lead to death.  Death.  I am obsessed with death.  Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal or homicidal, just can't get death out of my head.  The first thing I look at when I open the paper are the obituaries.  I look at people's names and ages.  Read about their lives.  It is interesting to me, makes me very sad and I know it's making me crazy.  But I didn't die.  I'm here at home, sitting in my sweat pants, writing this blog.  I get another chance to get up and watch my baby sleep.  Another chance to kiss my husband and tell him I love him.  I feel like I'm walking on egg shells though, and I hate that.  I was started on a new medication.  One that will help my blood pressure and my palpitations.  I DID NOT read the possible side effects (someone with anxiety should NEVER do that) because I knew it would make me nuts.  I trust in my God.  I know he is with me.  He goes before me in every step of my life.  These trials have purpose and I can't hardly wait to find out what that purpose is.  I will give big ups to Sierra View.  From the minute I walked in there I encountered the most caring, competent people I ever met there. I don't ever want to go back, but if I had to it would be with a little less doubt in what I was going to encounter.
So it's a new day, with new things to learn, for now I think I'll just go outside and watch the sunrise...I've never done that before...

PMSS

PreMenstrual Syndrome Sucks.  I could end it there...because most women reading this will get it right away...but I'll just keep going.  As I get (ahem) older my PMS symptoms get worse.  My mom says hers were really bad too and all I have to say to that is...nnnnooooooooo!!!!  It's a known fact that however your mother's cycles were yours will most likely be the same...I'm sooo lucky.  Today I can also say PLY...Pot Luck Yay!!!  Meaning we had a potluck today at work and as much as I tried to be good, the chocolate dessert was just too strong a force for me to resist.  I knew it was gonna happen because the last time someone brought that dessert I ate 3 servings...oh and by the way...the person who brought that irrisitable dessert is ME!!!! So why do I bring something I know I can't resist???? I'm convinced that it's that darn PMS!!! My day started off bad anyway.  I pretty much blew it at 6:00 this morning when I ate Oreo cookies and vanilla ice cream for breakfast!  I had better options but I didn't care.  I was seduced by the shiny blue packaging.  And I wouldn't have had it with ice cream but we were out of milk and I had to get my dairy serving in there somehow! (Well balanced meals are important.)  My heart palpitations were out of control (Cherry Dr. Pepper be damned) and as my buns are planted ever so snugly on my desk chair my motivated husband is doing Tae Bo PT 24/7...which he has done everyday for 3 straight weeks.  I told him if he loses too much weight I'd have to divorce him cuz I only go for chubby guys!  I don't think he believes me though because he's really working it out right now.  (I'm kidding about the whole divorce thing, I'm actually really proud, and oh hell I admit it, a little jealous!)  I am believeing that tomorrow will be better.  No retreat, no surrender.  Soft hands, concentration not strength.  (Those are quotes from some of my favorite 80's movies by the way...what...like you didn't enjoy "The Mighty Ducks"...okay I didn't really enjoy it either.. but two words kept me watching...those words???...Emilio Estevez!!!)  That little detour of thought aside I want to say I am overall feeling good.  Gonna try to watch Project Runway but I always fall asleep.  I was moved by a verse in my bible today so I want to share it with all of you (all of the zero people following this blog) "Commit your work to the Lord and then your plans will succeed." - Proverbs 16:3...So I think I've been going about this all wrong...

I'm baaaack!!!

Okay so I lost sight, motivation, and everything else for this blog for a few months!  Let me just say Happy Thanksgiving, Marry Christmas, and Happy New Year to all!!!  Now that that is taken care of I have to say I feel blah today.  Stayed home because babygirl had a seizure (epilepsy can eat worms and die!!!), and because of the stress I have from the seizure (me,me,me) I HAD to have a Dr. Pepper...so my ever so loving husband went and got me one, by one I mean a 1 liter bottle which I am now halfway through...taking a moment to read the label I see that there are 4 servings in this bottle...to that I say :P  I weighed myself on December 30th and the scale did not say "confidence", "sass", "wisdom" or any other of those motivational words on the Special K commercials...it said 238.  No exclaimation point behind that because it is not a surprise to me.  I will weigh myself only once a month, because I can get very discouraged very quickly, and my goal is to lose 2 pounds a month, for as long as it takes, for me to get down to 200.  From there I will make new goals or be satisfied and stay...we'll see what happens when we get there.  So far today I have eaten a piece of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and a tuna melt...let me point out that it is barely 10:21 a.m. here in Porterville, California.  Not gonna beat myself up over it, just something else I have to work on.  On a positive note I have ordered "The DASH Diet Action Plan" book and according to the e-mail I got from Amazon.com it is on it's way.  I chose this because it is built to help lower blood pressure which I need bad.  I absolutely do not want to have to take medication forever.  I also decided that my exercise of choice is dancing.  When I was younger my favorite thing to do was dance so darn it...that'sa what Ima gon do!!!  Any type of dancing will do, mostly in my living room because I am pretty self concious about my double d's bouncing around when I dance (don't say people don't notice them cuz there is no way that's true!!!)  Praying for the best, believeing this will be the one for me...I feel it...God is leading me in the right direction...it's up to me to follow.