Because Your Worth It (and so am I!)

I sing on the worship team at my church.  Yesterday after the first church service someone came up to me and told me that he feels I am "annointed when it comes to singing for the Lord"...and although I do believe that was one of the highest compliments I ever recieved, I also felt extremely unworthy of it.  So I hate to admit it but I spent the next 15 minutes sitting in my car with this gentlemen,s words ringing in my mind...and I thought "annointed, I could never be annointed" but as the day went on I came to a different realization...why not?  Why couldn't I be annointed?  Why couldn't I receive and accept a gift from God and feel totally worthy of it?  The answer...because I am so used to not believing that I can that I just figure that I don't and that is a sad sad thing.  So I cleared the negative thoughts from my head.  Didn't allow myself to believe that I am not worthy.  I wasn't defeted by lack of confidence and self doubt.  I looked in the mirror and said out loud...you are totally worthy!!!! The greatest thing about that is that I believed it!  Exercising has been doing wonders for my psyche.  I feel so much more energized.  I feel like I want to do things to keep me energized.  I want to comb my hair, because yes I was to a point were I wore my gave up on life sweatpants, threw my hair in a ponytail and I was done...and now I want to put make-up on. I want to do the best I can whith what's in my closet! (Because I haven't shopped for clothes in soooo long.) But the greatest thing is I want to do more!  I can't remeber the last time I felt so motivated!  I won't pretend I am doing great...my food choices leave so much more to be desired and (as you've heard me say plenty of times) I'm working on that...but exercise has become one of my favorite things to do...and even though I refuse to get on a scale unless I absolutely have to....I kow it's making a change.  Numbers can't tell me that, but my mind, and soul, and spirit is saying it loud and clear!  I am even excited that I get to increase my lunchtime from half an hour to one whole hour for the next two weeks...because that means I have time to go to the gym across the street!  If you are trying to find motivation just to get started you are not alone...I know what thats like...but Ifinally learned to refuse any thoughts that made me believe I couldn't, or wouldn't, life is worth so much more than that...my life is worth so much more than that....and so is yours!

Today's Thoughts

There's a song by R. Kelly called "Bump N' Grind" (ridiculous...I know...but stay with me) and in the first line he sings acapella "My mind's telling me no..but my body...my body's telling me yes..." and as I sat in my room contimplating whether or not I wanted to put my shoes on to go workout that is the only thing that was in my head!  I had to laugh out loud (or "lol" for you generation thumbers out there) because I really didn't unerstand what the heck that song had to do with my workout...well...as it turns out...the song had nothing to do with it...but those words rang true in my head.  Of course my body wasn't telling me yes...I absolutely hate going to the gym...and...although I think my trainer is a great person...I could do without him being in my face a couple of times a week...but could I live without it??? Maybe.  I could live.  I could live fat and unhealthy.  I could live a sedentary lifestyle, on medications, no motivation...but is that really living?  No. It's not.  I know that because that is the place that I am coming from.  The place that I am trying my darndest to get away from.  It's hard.  Real hard.  There are times when I am in the middle of my workout and I feel like crying...not because it's the greatest thing in the world and I am deeply moved by it all but because that shit is hard!!!  But you know what...I've gotten through it.  Don't consider me an expert or anything...I am only three weeks into this...I still doubt my ability to actually git er done...but every time I step out of that gym, when I am finished, I feel like I have moved a mountain...and well...at 250 pounds I've really moved at least a small hill!!!  Today's workout was a good one for me.  I am tired but relaxed and I am expecting to have a great night's sleep!  I will feel my aches tomorrow and I do look forward to that because that means I did some good work today. I still need to work out the whole eating right thing.  I'm doing way better than I used to...but I could use some more discipline in that department.  I won't beat myself up over it though.  As long as I am breathing I have another opportunity...and these days...I'm breathing a little bit easier...

Work It!!!

Yesterday I celebrated my 39th birthday.  It's seems so weird to me to say I'm 39 years old.  I never really appreciated how long that is until yesterday.  I am not one who is trying to fight the clock to stay forever young.  I will take my wrinkles and my age spots, the aches and the prolapsed bladder, as it all comes along.  I will not however waste any more of this precious gift we call time.  I've been sick for about a week.  Body aches, fever, and one of the worst coughs I have ever had in my life.  At one point I was considering some old world medicine (aka a shot of tequila) to see if that would help...instead I opted for a shot of antibiotics right into my untoned patooty and that took care of everything except for this cough.  Since I couldn't breathe to begin with I figured exercise was out of the question.  I have been seeing a trainer for two weeks now.  Well, yeah, this is the second week and I assumed my cough was my get-out-of-sore-muscles-free card...but...we all know what happens when we assume something.  So I went to the trainer today and he said we would "take it easy" which made me really happy.  Of course I should of asked him whose definition of "take it easy" was he talking about because easy it absolutely was not!  My shoulders and arms are killing me.  In fact even as I type this my elbows and shoulders are locked i a position and the only thing moving are my wrists and fingers.  If there is something set above my head today that I will die if I cannot get to then I guess I'm gonna be hittin' the dusty trail! But I must admit that mentally....it felt great walking out of there knowing I had finished my workout. Knowing in my heart how much I wanted to cancel today. I can do this. Not without complaining...not without a little help from the people that love me...but I can do this. This is a conversation I had with my husband afterward:

Me: Can you believe that even after the trainer heard me coughing and gasping for so  he just said "okay Jeanette lets do 2 more sets".

Hubster: Yes

Me: What do you mean yes?

Hubster: Because that's his job.

And when I hung up the phone I thought about my role in all of this...My job. And I realize that that is how I need to see all of this weight loss journey (because from now on I refuse to call it a struggle!). As my job. I need to do it everyday. I need to realize how great the benefits are. How blessed I am to have  this job...and in the end...after I've punched in my hours and given it all I got....I get to cash one hell of a fat check (my health!). And I think....though it's not the easiest job I ever had, it'll definitely be the one I will never regret!!!

MOVE!!!

I lost a co-worker today. Not to death but to Chicago. I will miss her dearly. I appreciated her intelligence and her humor. I enjoyed  the conversations we had and the times we laughed together at work. I am, however, so very happy for her...because change is good...and I'm even a little envious of her because as much as I know change is good I have been doing the same freaking thing over and over again for what feels like forever. What have  I been doing over and over again????? Well...nothing. I have been doing nothing over an  over again for such a long time...I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I need to move! I don't mean away (though honestly that would be nice) I just mean move.....hate how I look??? MOVE! Hate my weight??? MOVE!!! Hate other things in my life??? MOVE!!! That is the answer...move...I knew there was a reason why the animals from Madagascar like to move it move it....it's because moving feels better, moving looks better, moving clears your mind, moving heals your broken heart. Move. Move on. Move up. Move out. I'm liking that word and the meaning it is taking on for me today. So to my dear Mrs. Schumann thank you for Veronica Mars and Downton Abbey...and thank you for making me want to move!

Rest in Peace but Live in Peace Too

It is really hard to sing with a lump in your throat.  I've always known that...but proved it today.  I was asked to sing at a funeral.  A young man who died a few days ago.  Something went wrong with his heart is about all I know of how he passed.  I did not know him (although I have a feeling I did know him, just not recently) and, even though there were many people at his funeral that I know I went to high school with, I didn't really know his family either.  All I knew was that someone somebody loved was lying in the casket, and all I could feel was how badly every person in there wished it weren't true.  I tried not to make eye contact with anyone, I tried not to watch the slide show, but when I heard Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" I couldn't help but look up and watch the screen.  And as the pictures of this guys life flashed before my eyes the gravity of the whole situation for this family just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt myself struggling to hold back my tears...and I shouldn't have done that...because that is what caused the lump in my throat.  I was supposed to sing "Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone" and when it started it was beautiful.  As I was singing I kept telling myself "don't look at any one's face"...you see up until then I was sitting in the very back, all I could see was the back of their heads.  And as I looked around the room from the podium I just lost it...I'd love to say I finished strong, not for me...but because this family deserved it...but I didn't...I had to cut the song a little short and do the best I could.  I feel bad because that isn't something that I can ever do again, not for him, not for them, but I hope they know how honored I am to have been invited to celebrate this guys life.  And even though I felt like I was peeping in at something very private by being there, I truly appreciated being able to share the moment with these people that I didn't even know.  Of course funerals always make me think of my life, and my death.  Truth is none of us knows when or how.  My goal is to be able to see my girls married with babies of their own, doing well on their own, and I pray that I get there...but who knows really?  I know too many young children who have a parent that is dead.  I wonder how they handle it.  When my dad died it was a hurt I have never felt before and I never want to feel it again.  It wasn't just an emotional hurt but a physical pain so deep down in the pit of my stomach.  Like someone was continually punching me over and over again...not letting me up for air...not giving me a moment to catch my breath...and I still feel that way sometimes...and I won't say it is getting easier...but I am learning how to deal.  How did little kids learn that?  Especially when the adults they have left can't even keep themselves together?  I pray that my daughter never knows this pain as a young child.  Even as an adult it hurts more than anyone can take.  They say time heals all things but I really don't believe that.  God heals all things...time makes things old..time makes it so that we can see things differently...time keeps ticking even after we have taken our last breath.  Looking at pictures of this guy's life...I saw family...I saw love...I saw parties and laughter...Las Vegas...San Francisco...beer...babies...I saw my life...all of our lives really...and it's too bad that I have forgotten lately how very blessed I am just to be alive.  Even when I am frustrated with my job or my husband or my girls.  Even when my clothes don't fit.  Even when I feel like my life is wasted.  Even when I'm screaming at the top of my head.  Even when I'm crying my eyes out on my way to or from work and I don't even know why...those times are a blessing...because even though it sucks big ass to feel like crap at least we are able to feel.  When we wake up in the morning we need to be grateful that we wake up in the morning.  Every minute is a gift and a treasure.  For this young man his life here on earth is over.  And even though I truly believe he is happy in heaven, I know for a fact that his family and the people that love him don't want him to be anywhere but here.  And if you are reading this you are still here...and so am I...so let's make the most of it now!

Yeah You Know Me

So...as it turns out...I have OCD.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  No I do not turn light switches off and on while reciting the alphabet.  I don't lock and unlock my front door a hundred times before I can comfortably leave the house.  I guess it's not normal to clean my house in a counter clockwise direction starting from the bathroom and ending in the kitchen.  I also guess it's not normal to arrange my closet in a way where everything has a place, short sleeves, long sleeves, no sleeves, dresses, skirts, pants, jeans, sweaters, then belts/scarves.  Everyone likes an organized closet...but when all of the hangers HAVE to match or it puts you in a bad mood then that's a big deal.  So okay...I am a little obsessive...okay...I am ALOT obsessive.  What was pointed out to me though was that my obsessions are not manifested physically, my obsessions are my thoughts.  So what do I think you ask?  I'm gonna tell you but, if you know me, you won't believe it.  When we are taking a road trip somewhere (which we do alot) in my mind, before we go, I have already seen the flat tire, that leads to the car being out of control, that leads to our car hitting a big rig, that leads to the big rig jack knifing and hitting us back, that leads to our car being trapped under the big rig, that leads to the big rig (which happens to be hauling gasoline) exploding, which leads to us dying a terrible fiery death, which leads to the police knocking on my mom's door and telling her that everyone she loves the most is dead....(pant, pant) and that's on a good day.  Why do these thoughts come to my head???  I don't know.  But I have made a promise to myself to figure that out so that they stop.  Mind you, I do know how to get somewhere and have a good time...but there is always that little feeling inside of me that "this is going to kill us..." and it's obsessive, and it's compulsive, and it's the way I have lived for the last 8 years (at least!)  My assignment from the doctor is to look up OCD. (He says I'm a "classic case") and find ways that other people cope.  He says to try those things and see if they work for me.  I need to alter my behaviour in order to be able to let go of my anxiety...to that I say...no crap!!! But seriously it's true.  And I've known it for awhile.  It's just in a better perspective for me now.  I started my behaviour modification today by "cleaning out my closet" so to speak.  I let go of a couple of things I've been holding onto for awhile.  Letting go is easy...staying away is the hard part for me.  I feel more powerful than I did before though, so I am optimistic about it.  One of the things I didn't let go of is Dr. Pepper. Even now I am sipping on my last bit, sucking all the last drops of flavor off of the ice.  This soda is killing me.  That is not my anxiety talking...that is my cardiologist telling me to give it up at my appointment today.  I told him about some symptoms I've been having...physical not mental...he told me I should take this more seriously than I ever have before.  I don't know how I feel about it.  Sounds stupid but I don't.  I have had 3 health care professionals this week tell me I am digging myself an early grave....and now...I am scared.  So I will take my last Dr. Pepper (yes I said last) and cherish the memory of it for tonight. Then I will start new tomorrow....no not new....I've done that too many times...tomorrow I will start different!!!

P.S.
Since I heard the term "OCD" I can't help but hear the Naughty by Nature song "OPP" in my head!!! It's funny but ridiculous!!! Who's down with OCD???? Me apparently!!!

Baby Steps

I met with a nutritionist from UC Davis today (isn't tele-health the best invention ever?!?!) and...well...to keep it real...she didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know myself.  She was very nice though, and she seemed like she would be very supportive.  She gave me some menu options so I can plan my meals, told me I need to cut out the soda (NOOOOO!!!!! I will not allow my Dr. Pepper to be disrespected like that!!!), and said I should keep a food diary.  None of those things seem impossible...so why haven't I done them before?  I really can't answer that except to say that I guess I've just been lazy, unwilling, unmotivated (okay I guess I can answer that!!!)  I like that I am going to meet with her again in a month, because I already feel like I have to get something accomplished to report to her...I feel like meeting with her will force me to be accountable.  As an adult I should be able to be accountale for my actions, including what I eat. I've never been under a nutritionists care before and I am excited about it.  Tomorrow I meet with the psychiatrist...yes I said psychiatrist.  I know for a fact that I am an emotional over eater and it's time for me to deal with the root of where that all comes from. I don't know what I am going to discover (or should I say uncover) about myself during this journey but I am willing to accept and face whatever comes along.  I realize that a healthy lifestyle means more than just diet and exercising.  It means being able to cope with life as it happens. Not how I wish or want or need it to happen, but just how it happens to happen, because I have no control over that.  I can control how I react and that's it. And although I am very much adapted to reacting with a chocolate chip cookie in my hand...I am more than positive that there are better ways.  Baby steps are better than no steps at all.  All of us started out by pulling ourselves around on our bellies!!! Of course I never imagined my belly would get so heavy!!!  Time to lighten the load...not just the load on my belly but the load in my heart.  Lord help me to be ready for this...because only You can make me ready!  On a sad note my little old neighbor lady died today...just about an hour ago actually.  She was old and sick.  Though I don't know her age or what ailed her exactly.  I have known her since I was in the 8th grade...a very long time now...and it just makes me so sad.  I also wonder how my babygirl is going to react when I tell her the news in the morning.  You see, my daughter is just as anxious a person as I am (all my fault!) and I dread having to tell her this.  But she, as well as I, believes in heaven.  And I believe my little old neighbor lady is rejoicing with her husband and her children that have gone before her.  As I stood there by her bedside.  I heard her grad daughter talking about how much she was at peace "now".  I can't help but long for that peace sometimes.  And although I know I will get there someday I do not want to be in heaven to have to experience that peace "now".  Hmmm...I it's gonna be a long night of thinking....and maybe some tears...