So...as it turns out...I have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. No I do not turn light switches off and on while reciting the alphabet. I don't lock and unlock my front door a hundred times before I can comfortably leave the house. I guess it's not normal to clean my house in a counter clockwise direction starting from the bathroom and ending in the kitchen. I also guess it's not normal to arrange my closet in a way where everything has a place, short sleeves, long sleeves, no sleeves, dresses, skirts, pants, jeans, sweaters, then belts/scarves. Everyone likes an organized closet...but when all of the hangers HAVE to match or it puts you in a bad mood then that's a big deal. So okay...I am a little obsessive...okay...I am ALOT obsessive. What was pointed out to me though was that my obsessions are not manifested physically, my obsessions are my thoughts. So what do I think you ask? I'm gonna tell you but, if you know me, you won't believe it. When we are taking a road trip somewhere (which we do alot) in my mind, before we go, I have already seen the flat tire, that leads to the car being out of control, that leads to our car hitting a big rig, that leads to the big rig jack knifing and hitting us back, that leads to our car being trapped under the big rig, that leads to the big rig (which happens to be hauling gasoline) exploding, which leads to us dying a terrible fiery death, which leads to the police knocking on my mom's door and telling her that everyone she loves the most is dead....(pant, pant) and that's on a good day. Why do these thoughts come to my head??? I don't know. But I have made a promise to myself to figure that out so that they stop. Mind you, I do know how to get somewhere and have a good time...but there is always that little feeling inside of me that "this is going to kill us..." and it's obsessive, and it's compulsive, and it's the way I have lived for the last 8 years (at least!) My assignment from the doctor is to look up OCD. (He says I'm a "classic case") and find ways that other people cope. He says to try those things and see if they work for me. I need to alter my behaviour in order to be able to let go of my anxiety...to that I say...no crap!!! But seriously it's true. And I've known it for awhile. It's just in a better perspective for me now. I started my behaviour modification today by "cleaning out my closet" so to speak. I let go of a couple of things I've been holding onto for awhile. Letting go is easy...staying away is the hard part for me. I feel more powerful than I did before though, so I am optimistic about it. One of the things I didn't let go of is Dr. Pepper. Even now I am sipping on my last bit, sucking all the last drops of flavor off of the ice. This soda is killing me. That is not my anxiety talking...that is my cardiologist telling me to give it up at my appointment today. I told him about some symptoms I've been having...physical not mental...he told me I should take this more seriously than I ever have before. I don't know how I feel about it. Sounds stupid but I don't. I have had 3 health care professionals this week tell me I am digging myself an early grave....and now...I am scared. So I will take my last Dr. Pepper (yes I said last) and cherish the memory of it for tonight. Then I will start new tomorrow....no not new....I've done that too many times...tomorrow I will start different!!!
P.S.
Since I heard the term "OCD" I can't help but hear the Naughty by Nature song "OPP" in my head!!! It's funny but ridiculous!!! Who's down with OCD???? Me apparently!!!
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