Rest in Peace but Live in Peace Too

It is really hard to sing with a lump in your throat.  I've always known that...but proved it today.  I was asked to sing at a funeral.  A young man who died a few days ago.  Something went wrong with his heart is about all I know of how he passed.  I did not know him (although I have a feeling I did know him, just not recently) and, even though there were many people at his funeral that I know I went to high school with, I didn't really know his family either.  All I knew was that someone somebody loved was lying in the casket, and all I could feel was how badly every person in there wished it weren't true.  I tried not to make eye contact with anyone, I tried not to watch the slide show, but when I heard Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" I couldn't help but look up and watch the screen.  And as the pictures of this guys life flashed before my eyes the gravity of the whole situation for this family just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt myself struggling to hold back my tears...and I shouldn't have done that...because that is what caused the lump in my throat.  I was supposed to sing "Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone" and when it started it was beautiful.  As I was singing I kept telling myself "don't look at any one's face"...you see up until then I was sitting in the very back, all I could see was the back of their heads.  And as I looked around the room from the podium I just lost it...I'd love to say I finished strong, not for me...but because this family deserved it...but I didn't...I had to cut the song a little short and do the best I could.  I feel bad because that isn't something that I can ever do again, not for him, not for them, but I hope they know how honored I am to have been invited to celebrate this guys life.  And even though I felt like I was peeping in at something very private by being there, I truly appreciated being able to share the moment with these people that I didn't even know.  Of course funerals always make me think of my life, and my death.  Truth is none of us knows when or how.  My goal is to be able to see my girls married with babies of their own, doing well on their own, and I pray that I get there...but who knows really?  I know too many young children who have a parent that is dead.  I wonder how they handle it.  When my dad died it was a hurt I have never felt before and I never want to feel it again.  It wasn't just an emotional hurt but a physical pain so deep down in the pit of my stomach.  Like someone was continually punching me over and over again...not letting me up for air...not giving me a moment to catch my breath...and I still feel that way sometimes...and I won't say it is getting easier...but I am learning how to deal.  How did little kids learn that?  Especially when the adults they have left can't even keep themselves together?  I pray that my daughter never knows this pain as a young child.  Even as an adult it hurts more than anyone can take.  They say time heals all things but I really don't believe that.  God heals all things...time makes things old..time makes it so that we can see things differently...time keeps ticking even after we have taken our last breath.  Looking at pictures of this guy's life...I saw family...I saw love...I saw parties and laughter...Las Vegas...San Francisco...beer...babies...I saw my life...all of our lives really...and it's too bad that I have forgotten lately how very blessed I am just to be alive.  Even when I am frustrated with my job or my husband or my girls.  Even when my clothes don't fit.  Even when I feel like my life is wasted.  Even when I'm screaming at the top of my head.  Even when I'm crying my eyes out on my way to or from work and I don't even know why...those times are a blessing...because even though it sucks big ass to feel like crap at least we are able to feel.  When we wake up in the morning we need to be grateful that we wake up in the morning.  Every minute is a gift and a treasure.  For this young man his life here on earth is over.  And even though I truly believe he is happy in heaven, I know for a fact that his family and the people that love him don't want him to be anywhere but here.  And if you are reading this you are still here...and so am I...so let's make the most of it now!

Yeah You Know Me

So...as it turns out...I have OCD.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  No I do not turn light switches off and on while reciting the alphabet.  I don't lock and unlock my front door a hundred times before I can comfortably leave the house.  I guess it's not normal to clean my house in a counter clockwise direction starting from the bathroom and ending in the kitchen.  I also guess it's not normal to arrange my closet in a way where everything has a place, short sleeves, long sleeves, no sleeves, dresses, skirts, pants, jeans, sweaters, then belts/scarves.  Everyone likes an organized closet...but when all of the hangers HAVE to match or it puts you in a bad mood then that's a big deal.  So okay...I am a little obsessive...okay...I am ALOT obsessive.  What was pointed out to me though was that my obsessions are not manifested physically, my obsessions are my thoughts.  So what do I think you ask?  I'm gonna tell you but, if you know me, you won't believe it.  When we are taking a road trip somewhere (which we do alot) in my mind, before we go, I have already seen the flat tire, that leads to the car being out of control, that leads to our car hitting a big rig, that leads to the big rig jack knifing and hitting us back, that leads to our car being trapped under the big rig, that leads to the big rig (which happens to be hauling gasoline) exploding, which leads to us dying a terrible fiery death, which leads to the police knocking on my mom's door and telling her that everyone she loves the most is dead....(pant, pant) and that's on a good day.  Why do these thoughts come to my head???  I don't know.  But I have made a promise to myself to figure that out so that they stop.  Mind you, I do know how to get somewhere and have a good time...but there is always that little feeling inside of me that "this is going to kill us..." and it's obsessive, and it's compulsive, and it's the way I have lived for the last 8 years (at least!)  My assignment from the doctor is to look up OCD. (He says I'm a "classic case") and find ways that other people cope.  He says to try those things and see if they work for me.  I need to alter my behaviour in order to be able to let go of my anxiety...to that I say...no crap!!! But seriously it's true.  And I've known it for awhile.  It's just in a better perspective for me now.  I started my behaviour modification today by "cleaning out my closet" so to speak.  I let go of a couple of things I've been holding onto for awhile.  Letting go is easy...staying away is the hard part for me.  I feel more powerful than I did before though, so I am optimistic about it.  One of the things I didn't let go of is Dr. Pepper. Even now I am sipping on my last bit, sucking all the last drops of flavor off of the ice.  This soda is killing me.  That is not my anxiety talking...that is my cardiologist telling me to give it up at my appointment today.  I told him about some symptoms I've been having...physical not mental...he told me I should take this more seriously than I ever have before.  I don't know how I feel about it.  Sounds stupid but I don't.  I have had 3 health care professionals this week tell me I am digging myself an early grave....and now...I am scared.  So I will take my last Dr. Pepper (yes I said last) and cherish the memory of it for tonight. Then I will start new tomorrow....no not new....I've done that too many times...tomorrow I will start different!!!

P.S.
Since I heard the term "OCD" I can't help but hear the Naughty by Nature song "OPP" in my head!!! It's funny but ridiculous!!! Who's down with OCD???? Me apparently!!!

Baby Steps

I met with a nutritionist from UC Davis today (isn't tele-health the best invention ever?!?!) and...well...to keep it real...she didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know myself.  She was very nice though, and she seemed like she would be very supportive.  She gave me some menu options so I can plan my meals, told me I need to cut out the soda (NOOOOO!!!!! I will not allow my Dr. Pepper to be disrespected like that!!!), and said I should keep a food diary.  None of those things seem impossible...so why haven't I done them before?  I really can't answer that except to say that I guess I've just been lazy, unwilling, unmotivated (okay I guess I can answer that!!!)  I like that I am going to meet with her again in a month, because I already feel like I have to get something accomplished to report to her...I feel like meeting with her will force me to be accountable.  As an adult I should be able to be accountale for my actions, including what I eat. I've never been under a nutritionists care before and I am excited about it.  Tomorrow I meet with the psychiatrist...yes I said psychiatrist.  I know for a fact that I am an emotional over eater and it's time for me to deal with the root of where that all comes from. I don't know what I am going to discover (or should I say uncover) about myself during this journey but I am willing to accept and face whatever comes along.  I realize that a healthy lifestyle means more than just diet and exercising.  It means being able to cope with life as it happens. Not how I wish or want or need it to happen, but just how it happens to happen, because I have no control over that.  I can control how I react and that's it. And although I am very much adapted to reacting with a chocolate chip cookie in my hand...I am more than positive that there are better ways.  Baby steps are better than no steps at all.  All of us started out by pulling ourselves around on our bellies!!! Of course I never imagined my belly would get so heavy!!!  Time to lighten the load...not just the load on my belly but the load in my heart.  Lord help me to be ready for this...because only You can make me ready!  On a sad note my little old neighbor lady died today...just about an hour ago actually.  She was old and sick.  Though I don't know her age or what ailed her exactly.  I have known her since I was in the 8th grade...a very long time now...and it just makes me so sad.  I also wonder how my babygirl is going to react when I tell her the news in the morning.  You see, my daughter is just as anxious a person as I am (all my fault!) and I dread having to tell her this.  But she, as well as I, believes in heaven.  And I believe my little old neighbor lady is rejoicing with her husband and her children that have gone before her.  As I stood there by her bedside.  I heard her grad daughter talking about how much she was at peace "now".  I can't help but long for that peace sometimes.  And although I know I will get there someday I do not want to be in heaven to have to experience that peace "now".  Hmmm...I it's gonna be a long night of thinking....and maybe some tears...

In This Great Future, You Can't Forget Your Past

It's almost 2:00 in the morning and I can't get to sleep.  It would be so nice if I could just lay my head on my pillow, close my eyes, and drift off to some magical dream world somewhere...but alas...that is not meant to be tonight.  If it were only tonight that would be okay.  Truth is it happens way more than I would like it to.  I have been in an anxious state since Wednesday.  Well, if I'm honest, I've been in an anxious state since my baby girl was born, but I can feel this anxiety so bad in my body and it's making me nuts!  Could be an over consumption of Dr. Pepper...I have occasionally gone on a binge...or maybe there is something more.  Something that goes even deeper than my caffeine addiction.  So what is it tonight???  Well, in my expert opinion...it's photographs.  You see long before digital pictures hung out in our cameras or in our phones by the thousands we had to do something called "developing" to the film.  We turned in the little rolls to the drug store, waited about a week or so, then excitedly picked up our envelope full of memories.  I find it really weird still that, back in the day, every ones pictures were all stuck together somewhere...so on could easily pick up someone elses envelope full of memories and leisurely invade a stranger's birthday party, wedding, or girl's night out.  I never did that...but I admit I always wanted to!  Tonight I ended up with a huge bag full of pictures.  I told myself I wouldn't go through them until tomorrow, but I couldn't resist.  The best part about looking through the bag was I took none of those pictures, so I had no idea what was there.  The worst part was I took none of those pictures, so I had no idea what was there!  What was there?  Mostly family stuff.  I found pictures of myself when I was in kinder, 1st, and 5th grade.  I saw myself as a freshman and a sophomore in high school. (Tall hair anyone??? Hey...it was the 80's!!!)  And I saw pictures of my family members.  Some that are with me still.  Some that I will see again when I get to heaven.  Pictures of them.  Young.  Happy.  Enjoying the days they lived.  I saw a picture of my grandpa cooking meat for our Christmas tamales (insert lame joke why Mexicans eat tamales at Christmas here...) and I swear I could smell the fire.  I could hear Ramon Ayala music playing in the back ground.  I could hear my grandpa singing along to every word.  I saw pictures of my aunt Stella and her girls.  I was reminded of how beautiful she was...then I felt bad for forgetting that in the first place.  I remembered how she used to take me and my cousins anywhere we wanted to go.  I remember her black eyeliner, her immaculate home, and how happy she was the day my cousin got her period.  She was an awesome, awesome woman.  I saw one picture of my cousin Teresa.  I heard her voice.  I don't know what she was saying.  But I remember always feeling like she had a very unique voice.  She used to some visit my mom alot...but I always had to leave the room when they started talking.  She was older than I was, so I just figured they were talking about "grown up" stuff.  Pictures and more pictures.  I could hear Bob Marley's "No Woman, No Cry" while I was looking at them..."good friends we had and good friends we lost along the way..." and I realized, with all of the limited energy I have, how super duper blessed I am to be a part of the family I have.  I love them.  I love them all so very much.  Tonight I feel like I can feel them all.  All of their pain, all of their sadness, all of their joy, all of their victories, and it just overwhelms me more than I can explain.  I think of how sick I have been feeling these past couple of months and I wonder how long my life will be with them.  And I wish I didn't.  I really wish I didn't do that.  I have no control over how long my life will be...all I know is that I want to see my girls living as adults.  As successful wives and mothers.  I want to sit back as an old woman one day and look at their pictures, their moments, their memories and feel again what I felt tonight when I was looking at mine.  Most of all I want to learn how to truly appreciate every breath, every second of my most precious and ever changing life. I want to be overwhelmed by something greater than my wieght loss struggles every day for the rest of my life. I will accept nothing less.  Hello Jeanette...it's nice to see you again!

Blog Blog Bo Bog

Today on facebook (yup...my facebook diet is just about as successful as every other diet I've ever been on) I saw that a friend of mine started a blog last night.  I felt glad for her.  I felt glad for her because reading her blog reminded me of how much I enjoy writing mine.  Of course you wouldn't know that by the amount of attention I have given to it lately!  It's not that I don't have anything to say...as a matter of fact I think it would take hours to put down all of the things that I feel inside.  It's not that I don't have time...I have literally been spending hours watching "Veronica Mars" DVD's (never watched the show when it was on, a friend loaned me her DVD sets, if you've never watched it and one day decide to you won't be disappointed) anyway I have been spending hours with that in the evenings.  So what I have concluded is this... I created this to be a blog primarily about my weight loss...and well I really...well I don't...have any weight loss stuff to report except that my efforts suck big time donkey poo!  Aren't you all tired of hearing me say how much I "try"...cause I'm tired of writing it!  Don't you want to read about my victories???? Because I sure as heck want to be able to share them with you.  I don't want this to be a page of excuses...the world is full of those and one more added is not gonna help anyone with anything...it hasn't helped me.  I will say that I have met with a personal trainer at least four days a week for the last three weeks.  I get that service FOR FREE because of my job.  The only thing I have to do is change my clothes and walk across the street.  I was doing really well until I got strep throat...so I haven't been there for a week.  I was also very discouraged when I went to the doctor for a physical and learned that I had gained 2 pounds since starting the gym.  THAT IS WHY I DO NOT GET ON THE SCALE!  Next time I go to the doctor I'm gonna ask them not to tell me what it is.  I want to measure myself by my efforts not a number on the scale. (Which, at this point however, gives me the same result!)  The number on the scale does not define me.  It does not tell me what type of person I am, or who I am gonna be someday.  It's a good tool for some people, but not for me.  So back to the trainer it is on Monday. And, even  as my muscles cry a screeching "NOOOOOO!" from within...my psyche is telling me "You go girl!" (because my psyche just cannot get rid of cheesy phrases from the 90's!)

Have to...

Well I am happy to report that I had a great week!!! I stayed on my healthy eating path and exercised for at least 30 minutes everyday...okay...so if any of you are calling me on my crappy lie...you're right!!!  I didn't do any of it!!! My intentions were good...my efforts were bleh.  I had the thought of joining a boot camp thing for a month.  Then I realized that it's the exact same day and time as babygirl's dance class...so that won't work.  When I think about it though I guess I'm never gonna have time if I don't make time...because there is always something else I have to do.  Do you ever feel like your whole life is "have to"...sometimes I do...but when I'm tired from working and I start complaining that I have to work...I try to remember the tens of thousands of people in this country who would work anywhere that would take them...when I complain that I have to make dinner...I try to remind myself of how blessed I am just to have food...and if food is such a blessing then why on earth do I curse my body with it??? Good question, no answer.  Maybe some day...I said this today at lunch.  Sitiing around the break room with some co-workers.  Somehow the subject of my dad came up and I was telling them that every day I beg him to just come to me...give me a sign that he can hear me...and every day so far I've gotten nothing...so maybe some day.  I was thinking about the things that I never did with my dad.  Things that I'll never do with him.  I am trying to remain grateful for what I did have.  I mean, he and I didn't have to spend time together...we wanted to.  And how awesome is that.  I think when kids are young, parents really don't have much of a choice to be or not be around our kids.  I mean not really.  But when children become adults we do have a choice.  He didn't have to like me and I didn't have to like him.  Love would always be there...almost by default...but like...we have to work on like.  And I'm glad to say I seriously liked him and I think he liked me to...enough to come to me in my dreams and give me one of his giant hugs??? I sure hope so!  Maybe some day...I'll let you know about it!!!

I think..therefore I am (going crazy!!!)

In order for me to feel like I can really let all of you in, really get down on paper what I am feeling inside, I have to be alone with my thoughts.  The reason it's been so long since my last post is because these days I don't like being alone with my thoughts.  My thoughts bring me tears and grief.  My thoughts bring me anxiety and anger.  So I have been trying my best to avoid being alone with my thoughts.  The problem with that is if I don't let them out, they manifest themselves physically.  I have had the worst migraines I have ever had in my life.  My eyes burn all the time...like there is smoke in them or something.  My hair is falling out.  My stomach hurts...and my arms are starting to ache.  To sum it all up...I feel like crap!  I decided tonight that I can no longer be afraid to be alone with my thoughts, but instead I need to let it all out.  And I mean let it all out in a productive way...not in a go home and yell at your husband and daughter way (not admitting to you that I've done that but...okay...I've done that) so here I am again...inviting you to come with me.  Asking you to understand...maybe relate...maybe laugh... and maybe cry with me as I continue on this journey which is my life...and this quest that I have begun so many times to get fit and live a healthier way.  I'll start off by saying that I have been a bad bad girl (food wise okay...you sickos!!!)  I have eaten every single emotion I have felt these past couple of months.  I have stuffed my face with the saltiest, greasiest, yummiest tasting, artery clogging, blood pressure elevating food I could get my hands on.  I have eaten in shame...alone in my car...getting rid of the evidence before I got home...and I have enjoyed over stuffing myself with my family.  Feeling my body say "please don't give me anymore" but my mind say "if you eat one more bite you'll feel so much better."  It's a curse this emotional eating thing.  A way for me to slowly kill myself while not feeling so guilty, well not in front of people anyway...believe me when I look in the mirrior I feel alot of guilt...I just know how to hide it pretty well.  At least I think I do.  Maybe you people that know me are reading this right now thinking "sorry honey...you do not hide it at all" (okay I just assume that when you all think of me you think of me as "honey" haha) or maybe you had no idea.  I'm tired of it though...and it's time for me to really get right.  It was a good food day today...well...yeah...okay good is a good way to put it I guess.  I don't count calories because I don't like math...just kidding...I mean I don't like math but....anyway...I will be reporting what I ate today.  For breakfast I had a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles with 2% milk...not quite the same as Special K with skim milk but wwwaaaayyyyy better than a sausage mcmuffin.  I had a snack about an hour later (because cocoa pebbles can only take me so far) which consisted of a banana.  I ate the banana slowly because in my mind it was covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce (you thought I was gonna start the ice cream and cake and cake...ice cream and cake and cake....ice cream and cake do the ice cream and cake....now that will be in your head all night...your welcome...)  About an hour after that I had a light strawberry yogurt which I have come to really enjoy the taste of.  It wasn't greek yougurt...and it didn't turn anyone into John Stamos...but I did catch the last few minutes of a Full House episode later on so I got my Uncle Jesse fix.  For lunch I had a Healthy Choice meal...some type of chicken dish.  It was really good...better than I expected actually and very easy to make...just pop it in the microwave.  For dinner we had salmon, rice, and mixed veggies with a green salad.  And by green salad I mean a pile of lettuce topped with some cheese because we are all out of fresh veggies.  I added about a teaspoon of ranch for some flavor.  Oh  I almost forgot...I did indulge in some left over chocolate eater eggs at work...why???...because if someone puts a chocolate easter egg in front of your face your gonna eat it...and I admit I stuffed those little things in my mouth as if they had grown legs and were trying to run away!!! And they were sooooo good...and I'm gonna stop talking about that now because it's making my mouth water.  But my biggest victory today.  I have not had one soda!!! (1-2-3 Hooray!!!) And even though my head is pounding from caffeine withdrawals and the sound of the spanish music blasting from my neighbors house makes me want to go hit someone over the head with a blunt object...I will go to bed in a few minutes and not feel it anyway...and tomorrow I will take it hour by hour just like I did today.  I also did 30 minutes of exercise with my husband (a Tae Bo video...you sickos!!!) and it felt like my lungs were gonna fall out onto the floor...and that actually felt pretty good.  I didn't enjoy it though...which is a red flag for me to start really looking for something I enjoy (Zumba anyone???) because if I don't like it I won't stick to it for long...(that's the reason why i've had 4 husbands!!!...kidding...)  I have dreaded the nights...when I lie alone with my thoughts...but tonight I will face it...I will cry...and I won't regret it but allow it to heal me. And by the grace of God I will fall into a peaceful sleep for the first time in a long time.  So I pray that you all have a good night and sweet dreams.  Hasta manana peeps!!!

P.S.
Please donot call 911.  I swear I will not go to my neighbors and hit anyone over the head with a blunt object...I might htrow it through the window though...but don't tell anyone!  ;)