In This Great Future, You Can't Forget Your Past

It's almost 2:00 in the morning and I can't get to sleep.  It would be so nice if I could just lay my head on my pillow, close my eyes, and drift off to some magical dream world somewhere...but alas...that is not meant to be tonight.  If it were only tonight that would be okay.  Truth is it happens way more than I would like it to.  I have been in an anxious state since Wednesday.  Well, if I'm honest, I've been in an anxious state since my baby girl was born, but I can feel this anxiety so bad in my body and it's making me nuts!  Could be an over consumption of Dr. Pepper...I have occasionally gone on a binge...or maybe there is something more.  Something that goes even deeper than my caffeine addiction.  So what is it tonight???  Well, in my expert opinion...it's photographs.  You see long before digital pictures hung out in our cameras or in our phones by the thousands we had to do something called "developing" to the film.  We turned in the little rolls to the drug store, waited about a week or so, then excitedly picked up our envelope full of memories.  I find it really weird still that, back in the day, every ones pictures were all stuck together somewhere...so on could easily pick up someone elses envelope full of memories and leisurely invade a stranger's birthday party, wedding, or girl's night out.  I never did that...but I admit I always wanted to!  Tonight I ended up with a huge bag full of pictures.  I told myself I wouldn't go through them until tomorrow, but I couldn't resist.  The best part about looking through the bag was I took none of those pictures, so I had no idea what was there.  The worst part was I took none of those pictures, so I had no idea what was there!  What was there?  Mostly family stuff.  I found pictures of myself when I was in kinder, 1st, and 5th grade.  I saw myself as a freshman and a sophomore in high school. (Tall hair anyone??? Hey...it was the 80's!!!)  And I saw pictures of my family members.  Some that are with me still.  Some that I will see again when I get to heaven.  Pictures of them.  Young.  Happy.  Enjoying the days they lived.  I saw a picture of my grandpa cooking meat for our Christmas tamales (insert lame joke why Mexicans eat tamales at Christmas here...) and I swear I could smell the fire.  I could hear Ramon Ayala music playing in the back ground.  I could hear my grandpa singing along to every word.  I saw pictures of my aunt Stella and her girls.  I was reminded of how beautiful she was...then I felt bad for forgetting that in the first place.  I remembered how she used to take me and my cousins anywhere we wanted to go.  I remember her black eyeliner, her immaculate home, and how happy she was the day my cousin got her period.  She was an awesome, awesome woman.  I saw one picture of my cousin Teresa.  I heard her voice.  I don't know what she was saying.  But I remember always feeling like she had a very unique voice.  She used to some visit my mom alot...but I always had to leave the room when they started talking.  She was older than I was, so I just figured they were talking about "grown up" stuff.  Pictures and more pictures.  I could hear Bob Marley's "No Woman, No Cry" while I was looking at them..."good friends we had and good friends we lost along the way..." and I realized, with all of the limited energy I have, how super duper blessed I am to be a part of the family I have.  I love them.  I love them all so very much.  Tonight I feel like I can feel them all.  All of their pain, all of their sadness, all of their joy, all of their victories, and it just overwhelms me more than I can explain.  I think of how sick I have been feeling these past couple of months and I wonder how long my life will be with them.  And I wish I didn't.  I really wish I didn't do that.  I have no control over how long my life will be...all I know is that I want to see my girls living as adults.  As successful wives and mothers.  I want to sit back as an old woman one day and look at their pictures, their moments, their memories and feel again what I felt tonight when I was looking at mine.  Most of all I want to learn how to truly appreciate every breath, every second of my most precious and ever changing life. I want to be overwhelmed by something greater than my wieght loss struggles every day for the rest of my life. I will accept nothing less.  Hello Jeanette...it's nice to see you again!

Blog Blog Bo Bog

Today on facebook (yup...my facebook diet is just about as successful as every other diet I've ever been on) I saw that a friend of mine started a blog last night.  I felt glad for her.  I felt glad for her because reading her blog reminded me of how much I enjoy writing mine.  Of course you wouldn't know that by the amount of attention I have given to it lately!  It's not that I don't have anything to say...as a matter of fact I think it would take hours to put down all of the things that I feel inside.  It's not that I don't have time...I have literally been spending hours watching "Veronica Mars" DVD's (never watched the show when it was on, a friend loaned me her DVD sets, if you've never watched it and one day decide to you won't be disappointed) anyway I have been spending hours with that in the evenings.  So what I have concluded is this... I created this to be a blog primarily about my weight loss...and well I really...well I don't...have any weight loss stuff to report except that my efforts suck big time donkey poo!  Aren't you all tired of hearing me say how much I "try"...cause I'm tired of writing it!  Don't you want to read about my victories???? Because I sure as heck want to be able to share them with you.  I don't want this to be a page of excuses...the world is full of those and one more added is not gonna help anyone with anything...it hasn't helped me.  I will say that I have met with a personal trainer at least four days a week for the last three weeks.  I get that service FOR FREE because of my job.  The only thing I have to do is change my clothes and walk across the street.  I was doing really well until I got strep throat...so I haven't been there for a week.  I was also very discouraged when I went to the doctor for a physical and learned that I had gained 2 pounds since starting the gym.  THAT IS WHY I DO NOT GET ON THE SCALE!  Next time I go to the doctor I'm gonna ask them not to tell me what it is.  I want to measure myself by my efforts not a number on the scale. (Which, at this point however, gives me the same result!)  The number on the scale does not define me.  It does not tell me what type of person I am, or who I am gonna be someday.  It's a good tool for some people, but not for me.  So back to the trainer it is on Monday. And, even  as my muscles cry a screeching "NOOOOOO!" from within...my psyche is telling me "You go girl!" (because my psyche just cannot get rid of cheesy phrases from the 90's!)

Have to...

Well I am happy to report that I had a great week!!! I stayed on my healthy eating path and exercised for at least 30 minutes everyday...okay...so if any of you are calling me on my crappy lie...you're right!!!  I didn't do any of it!!! My intentions were good...my efforts were bleh.  I had the thought of joining a boot camp thing for a month.  Then I realized that it's the exact same day and time as babygirl's dance class...so that won't work.  When I think about it though I guess I'm never gonna have time if I don't make time...because there is always something else I have to do.  Do you ever feel like your whole life is "have to"...sometimes I do...but when I'm tired from working and I start complaining that I have to work...I try to remember the tens of thousands of people in this country who would work anywhere that would take them...when I complain that I have to make dinner...I try to remind myself of how blessed I am just to have food...and if food is such a blessing then why on earth do I curse my body with it??? Good question, no answer.  Maybe some day...I said this today at lunch.  Sitiing around the break room with some co-workers.  Somehow the subject of my dad came up and I was telling them that every day I beg him to just come to me...give me a sign that he can hear me...and every day so far I've gotten nothing...so maybe some day.  I was thinking about the things that I never did with my dad.  Things that I'll never do with him.  I am trying to remain grateful for what I did have.  I mean, he and I didn't have to spend time together...we wanted to.  And how awesome is that.  I think when kids are young, parents really don't have much of a choice to be or not be around our kids.  I mean not really.  But when children become adults we do have a choice.  He didn't have to like me and I didn't have to like him.  Love would always be there...almost by default...but like...we have to work on like.  And I'm glad to say I seriously liked him and I think he liked me to...enough to come to me in my dreams and give me one of his giant hugs??? I sure hope so!  Maybe some day...I'll let you know about it!!!

I think..therefore I am (going crazy!!!)

In order for me to feel like I can really let all of you in, really get down on paper what I am feeling inside, I have to be alone with my thoughts.  The reason it's been so long since my last post is because these days I don't like being alone with my thoughts.  My thoughts bring me tears and grief.  My thoughts bring me anxiety and anger.  So I have been trying my best to avoid being alone with my thoughts.  The problem with that is if I don't let them out, they manifest themselves physically.  I have had the worst migraines I have ever had in my life.  My eyes burn all the time...like there is smoke in them or something.  My hair is falling out.  My stomach hurts...and my arms are starting to ache.  To sum it all up...I feel like crap!  I decided tonight that I can no longer be afraid to be alone with my thoughts, but instead I need to let it all out.  And I mean let it all out in a productive way...not in a go home and yell at your husband and daughter way (not admitting to you that I've done that but...okay...I've done that) so here I am again...inviting you to come with me.  Asking you to understand...maybe relate...maybe laugh... and maybe cry with me as I continue on this journey which is my life...and this quest that I have begun so many times to get fit and live a healthier way.  I'll start off by saying that I have been a bad bad girl (food wise okay...you sickos!!!)  I have eaten every single emotion I have felt these past couple of months.  I have stuffed my face with the saltiest, greasiest, yummiest tasting, artery clogging, blood pressure elevating food I could get my hands on.  I have eaten in shame...alone in my car...getting rid of the evidence before I got home...and I have enjoyed over stuffing myself with my family.  Feeling my body say "please don't give me anymore" but my mind say "if you eat one more bite you'll feel so much better."  It's a curse this emotional eating thing.  A way for me to slowly kill myself while not feeling so guilty, well not in front of people anyway...believe me when I look in the mirrior I feel alot of guilt...I just know how to hide it pretty well.  At least I think I do.  Maybe you people that know me are reading this right now thinking "sorry honey...you do not hide it at all" (okay I just assume that when you all think of me you think of me as "honey" haha) or maybe you had no idea.  I'm tired of it though...and it's time for me to really get right.  It was a good food day today...well...yeah...okay good is a good way to put it I guess.  I don't count calories because I don't like math...just kidding...I mean I don't like math but....anyway...I will be reporting what I ate today.  For breakfast I had a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles with 2% milk...not quite the same as Special K with skim milk but wwwaaaayyyyy better than a sausage mcmuffin.  I had a snack about an hour later (because cocoa pebbles can only take me so far) which consisted of a banana.  I ate the banana slowly because in my mind it was covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce (you thought I was gonna start the ice cream and cake and cake...ice cream and cake and cake....ice cream and cake do the ice cream and cake....now that will be in your head all night...your welcome...)  About an hour after that I had a light strawberry yogurt which I have come to really enjoy the taste of.  It wasn't greek yougurt...and it didn't turn anyone into John Stamos...but I did catch the last few minutes of a Full House episode later on so I got my Uncle Jesse fix.  For lunch I had a Healthy Choice meal...some type of chicken dish.  It was really good...better than I expected actually and very easy to make...just pop it in the microwave.  For dinner we had salmon, rice, and mixed veggies with a green salad.  And by green salad I mean a pile of lettuce topped with some cheese because we are all out of fresh veggies.  I added about a teaspoon of ranch for some flavor.  Oh  I almost forgot...I did indulge in some left over chocolate eater eggs at work...why???...because if someone puts a chocolate easter egg in front of your face your gonna eat it...and I admit I stuffed those little things in my mouth as if they had grown legs and were trying to run away!!! And they were sooooo good...and I'm gonna stop talking about that now because it's making my mouth water.  But my biggest victory today.  I have not had one soda!!! (1-2-3 Hooray!!!) And even though my head is pounding from caffeine withdrawals and the sound of the spanish music blasting from my neighbors house makes me want to go hit someone over the head with a blunt object...I will go to bed in a few minutes and not feel it anyway...and tomorrow I will take it hour by hour just like I did today.  I also did 30 minutes of exercise with my husband (a Tae Bo video...you sickos!!!) and it felt like my lungs were gonna fall out onto the floor...and that actually felt pretty good.  I didn't enjoy it though...which is a red flag for me to start really looking for something I enjoy (Zumba anyone???) because if I don't like it I won't stick to it for long...(that's the reason why i've had 4 husbands!!!...kidding...)  I have dreaded the nights...when I lie alone with my thoughts...but tonight I will face it...I will cry...and I won't regret it but allow it to heal me. And by the grace of God I will fall into a peaceful sleep for the first time in a long time.  So I pray that you all have a good night and sweet dreams.  Hasta manana peeps!!!

P.S.
Please donot call 911.  I swear I will not go to my neighbors and hit anyone over the head with a blunt object...I might htrow it through the window though...but don't tell anyone!  ;)

Thoughts at 0250

I woke up at 1:30 in the morning with a desire to hear the song "Special" by Garbage.  Got up...went to my computer...and youtubed ("youtubed" is an official verb now ya know) it.  I have always liked that song...but these days I am LOVING it.  Funny thing is I don't know why. Okay that's not true...I know why...and I know who...but I am going to choose to keep that to myself for now... I have been feeling lately like I should go visit my dad's grave...it's been about a month now...but another part of me is hesitating.  I used to drive right by his house on the way home from work.  More than once I felt like I should stop and say hello...but I always figured I'd "do it tomorrow".  Then one day there were no more tomorrows left...not for him...not for me and him together.  So I guess I shouldn't wait.  I inquired about this boot camp fitness thing today (...yesterday??? wait what time is it???) and was terribly frightened by the words HIGH INTENSITY WORK OUT in the response.  Right away I figured it wasn't for me.  Because how can you go from the couch to a high intensity work out and survive it??? At least that's what my mind is saying..."look at me...I'm running...oh I'm dead"...but I have to start somewhere...geez I just have to start.  I HATE looking at pictures of myself.  I HATE the fact that I can't polish my own toenails...(okay so I don't think I've ever really been able to do that anyway but now even less)...and I want so badly to take a trapeze flying class (not a joke) in Santa Monica but I don't think I would be able to pull my weight up.  How on earth is it that I can be so sick of all of this fat and so lazy, unmotivated to do anything about it??? I don't get that at all.  Every day I wake up and say today is the day I start...then I eat a _________________________________ left that blank becaue you could insert any number of things there that aren't good for me.  I started reading a book called "Made to Crave" and there are so many things in there already...(I'm barely on chapter 2) that speak to me...so many things that I read and think "I know exactly what you mean".  So my friends around the world...I ask you to pray for me.  This is very much more a spiritual battle than anything else.  I will be forty (f-o-u-r-t-y???) in a couple of years....and I want to know what it feels like to be fabulous!! Because honestly I really don't remember that feeling at all!  I spoke with the wife of my daughter's softball coach today (love softball season) and right now I can't remember really whar we ralked about...but I do remember thinking about how very pretty she looked...healthy...thin...rested...All of the things I am not....and I wanted to be her...well no that's not true...I want to be me...the real me...the girl who didn't give up on herself...the one who wouldn't go anywhere without make-up and hair done...You know at one point in my life I didn't even own a pair of pants???? That's because at one point in my life I believed I had great legs and I LOVED to show them off...I also liked to look very much the lady with pretty dresses and jewelry...all that is gone!!! Has been gone for sooooooo long.  I may not be able to wake up tomorrow morning (today morning???...gosh what time is it???) and be 100 pounds lighter (my ultimate goal by age 40) but I can do my hair...and I can do my make-up...and you know what... I can start to change some things instantly...and that makes me feel better...better enough to fall asleep I hope...because I have to get up in 2 hours!!!  Don't know if bags under my eyes will look so fabulous!!!

And She's Back!!!

(Sigh......).....so many thoughts going through my head.  My mouth hasn't had the ability to say everything in my heart...my fingers haven't either...which is why it's been awhile since my last post.  I missed blogging though.  Missed getting it all out for the whole world to see.  Missed the sweet feeling of release as I hit the "publish" button.  Not because I want people to see it.  Or because I need anyone's approval.  Or because I am trying to be some internet blogging sensation...but because...as much as my thoughts are "mine" I truly believe that there is someone reading this who has/believes/feels/needs the same things I do...and I take comfort in that just as I hope it gives comfort to you.  I am dealing with my dad's death in the best way I know how...I am praying alot and I am crying alot.  I do not have any regrets...and that feels good.  Don't get it twisted...there are so many things about mine and my dad's history that I could regret...but what good does that do now?  I don't know how much longer my life will go on...but God does...and I know that He didn't bring me this far for me to blow it by being full of "if only's" and "I wish I would've or didnt"s"  He brought me here...to this place I am now...to reflect and be grateful.  For my dad, for everyone I love, everyone in my life.  These past few weeks have been a blur and I think that's pretty terrible.  No one's life should be a blur.  A blur is a smear...a smudge of something that was once clear.  It's something that makes what was there before hardly noticeable.  And I don't want that.  Of course when I think about the last few weeks all I feel is sadness...but to me that's okay...because something or someone can't make you sad unless it meant a whole lot to you...and from the amount of sadness I feel and have felt I can tell (with a grateful heart) that there was and will always be so much love there.  I am thankful for the people that were there for me...and I am dissapoinited in some of the people that weren't.  I hold no grudges though.  If any of them needed me I would still be there.  Because I don't need them to love me in order for me to show them love.  My love of them is for my benefit, for my peace.  I can't even begin to start to tell you all of the crap I have eaten these past few weeks.  If there was food within arms distance I have put it in my mouth.  Even when my stomach was begging me for mercy my emotions were insatiable (fancy word, learned it in high school, knew I would use it in a sentence some day!!!...I just hope that I spelled it right!!!)  And I know without a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with food is toxic.  I am killing myself.  I also realized (during this time) that no matter how long I live, it's going to kill my daughter when I die.  Except that...I think it will kill her more if she is not an adult, out on her own, with her own family...and the thought of that scares the crap out of me....does it scare me enough???? Enough to stop??? Enough to change??? I still don't know...and that makes me sad.  I learned that my husband is the best man in the world for me and I am so very lucky to have him in my life.  I mean...I knew this all along...well I tend to forget it sometimes to be honest...but he has been such a strong support for me during all of this...more than I could ask for...more than I even knew I would need. (I learned from one of my aunties that my dad used to refer to him as a "Nubian Prince"...which I think is hilarious!!!) As much as I would like to go on with this post...I really need peace and quiet to concentrate on it...and my neighbors gangster rap is distracting me (yes...I love TUPAC!!!)...but I have time for more...and I am glad that my fingers flowed so smoothly through this.  So I'm back....hope that makes you happy because it makes me happy!!!

P.S.  I sang in the show...the City of Hope Spectacular in my home town.  I thought it was fun.  My performance was alright. Here is a link if you are interested:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBz6hfUx1Rs  I wouldn't do it again but I am glad that I did something I had always wanted to do...the next thing on my list is a little more painful than a singing gig...which leaves the question...does anyone know where I can get my nose pierced??? :)

Almost Time

Oh man...as it gets closer to 4:00 (the time we will escort my dad to the church) the more my stomach is turning.  Even though I feel like I can't do this...I know that I do not have a choice.  I know that I will make it through...and that, eventually, I will be okay.  This whole week has just been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  Yesterday we celebrated my babygirl's 8th birthday...so of course it was a joyous occassion! When I had that girl I was very ill and the doctors were very worried...but we both pulled through.  I am thankful for my daughter, so grateful that God chose me to be her mother.  Yesterday I had a huge reason to grieve, but I also realized that I have a whole lot of reasons to rejoice as well...and I can't forget that.  I can't and won't allow myself to ge so deep into my sadness that I forget or ignore the things that make me happy.  What was never done between me and my dad will never be done.  What has been done cannot be re-done or undone.  He is in heaven and the only thing I can do is wait for the day that we are united there once again.  I miss him dearly and think of him all day.  I even look for him walking down the street when I am driving around town...could've sworn I saw him a couple of times...but I know that's not real...just wishful thinking between my heart and my mind.  So...(taking a deep breath)...here we go...