I think..therefore I am (going crazy!!!)

In order for me to feel like I can really let all of you in, really get down on paper what I am feeling inside, I have to be alone with my thoughts.  The reason it's been so long since my last post is because these days I don't like being alone with my thoughts.  My thoughts bring me tears and grief.  My thoughts bring me anxiety and anger.  So I have been trying my best to avoid being alone with my thoughts.  The problem with that is if I don't let them out, they manifest themselves physically.  I have had the worst migraines I have ever had in my life.  My eyes burn all the time...like there is smoke in them or something.  My hair is falling out.  My stomach hurts...and my arms are starting to ache.  To sum it all up...I feel like crap!  I decided tonight that I can no longer be afraid to be alone with my thoughts, but instead I need to let it all out.  And I mean let it all out in a productive way...not in a go home and yell at your husband and daughter way (not admitting to you that I've done that but...okay...I've done that) so here I am again...inviting you to come with me.  Asking you to understand...maybe relate...maybe laugh... and maybe cry with me as I continue on this journey which is my life...and this quest that I have begun so many times to get fit and live a healthier way.  I'll start off by saying that I have been a bad bad girl (food wise okay...you sickos!!!)  I have eaten every single emotion I have felt these past couple of months.  I have stuffed my face with the saltiest, greasiest, yummiest tasting, artery clogging, blood pressure elevating food I could get my hands on.  I have eaten in shame...alone in my car...getting rid of the evidence before I got home...and I have enjoyed over stuffing myself with my family.  Feeling my body say "please don't give me anymore" but my mind say "if you eat one more bite you'll feel so much better."  It's a curse this emotional eating thing.  A way for me to slowly kill myself while not feeling so guilty, well not in front of people anyway...believe me when I look in the mirrior I feel alot of guilt...I just know how to hide it pretty well.  At least I think I do.  Maybe you people that know me are reading this right now thinking "sorry honey...you do not hide it at all" (okay I just assume that when you all think of me you think of me as "honey" haha) or maybe you had no idea.  I'm tired of it though...and it's time for me to really get right.  It was a good food day today...well...yeah...okay good is a good way to put it I guess.  I don't count calories because I don't like math...just kidding...I mean I don't like math but....anyway...I will be reporting what I ate today.  For breakfast I had a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles with 2% milk...not quite the same as Special K with skim milk but wwwaaaayyyyy better than a sausage mcmuffin.  I had a snack about an hour later (because cocoa pebbles can only take me so far) which consisted of a banana.  I ate the banana slowly because in my mind it was covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce (you thought I was gonna start the ice cream and cake and cake...ice cream and cake and cake....ice cream and cake do the ice cream and cake....now that will be in your head all night...your welcome...)  About an hour after that I had a light strawberry yogurt which I have come to really enjoy the taste of.  It wasn't greek yougurt...and it didn't turn anyone into John Stamos...but I did catch the last few minutes of a Full House episode later on so I got my Uncle Jesse fix.  For lunch I had a Healthy Choice meal...some type of chicken dish.  It was really good...better than I expected actually and very easy to make...just pop it in the microwave.  For dinner we had salmon, rice, and mixed veggies with a green salad.  And by green salad I mean a pile of lettuce topped with some cheese because we are all out of fresh veggies.  I added about a teaspoon of ranch for some flavor.  Oh  I almost forgot...I did indulge in some left over chocolate eater eggs at work...why???...because if someone puts a chocolate easter egg in front of your face your gonna eat it...and I admit I stuffed those little things in my mouth as if they had grown legs and were trying to run away!!! And they were sooooo good...and I'm gonna stop talking about that now because it's making my mouth water.  But my biggest victory today.  I have not had one soda!!! (1-2-3 Hooray!!!) And even though my head is pounding from caffeine withdrawals and the sound of the spanish music blasting from my neighbors house makes me want to go hit someone over the head with a blunt object...I will go to bed in a few minutes and not feel it anyway...and tomorrow I will take it hour by hour just like I did today.  I also did 30 minutes of exercise with my husband (a Tae Bo video...you sickos!!!) and it felt like my lungs were gonna fall out onto the floor...and that actually felt pretty good.  I didn't enjoy it though...which is a red flag for me to start really looking for something I enjoy (Zumba anyone???) because if I don't like it I won't stick to it for long...(that's the reason why i've had 4 husbands!!!...kidding...)  I have dreaded the nights...when I lie alone with my thoughts...but tonight I will face it...I will cry...and I won't regret it but allow it to heal me. And by the grace of God I will fall into a peaceful sleep for the first time in a long time.  So I pray that you all have a good night and sweet dreams.  Hasta manana peeps!!!

P.S.
Please donot call 911.  I swear I will not go to my neighbors and hit anyone over the head with a blunt object...I might htrow it through the window though...but don't tell anyone!  ;)

Thoughts at 0250

I woke up at 1:30 in the morning with a desire to hear the song "Special" by Garbage.  Got up...went to my computer...and youtubed ("youtubed" is an official verb now ya know) it.  I have always liked that song...but these days I am LOVING it.  Funny thing is I don't know why. Okay that's not true...I know why...and I know who...but I am going to choose to keep that to myself for now... I have been feeling lately like I should go visit my dad's grave...it's been about a month now...but another part of me is hesitating.  I used to drive right by his house on the way home from work.  More than once I felt like I should stop and say hello...but I always figured I'd "do it tomorrow".  Then one day there were no more tomorrows left...not for him...not for me and him together.  So I guess I shouldn't wait.  I inquired about this boot camp fitness thing today (...yesterday??? wait what time is it???) and was terribly frightened by the words HIGH INTENSITY WORK OUT in the response.  Right away I figured it wasn't for me.  Because how can you go from the couch to a high intensity work out and survive it??? At least that's what my mind is saying..."look at me...I'm running...oh I'm dead"...but I have to start somewhere...geez I just have to start.  I HATE looking at pictures of myself.  I HATE the fact that I can't polish my own toenails...(okay so I don't think I've ever really been able to do that anyway but now even less)...and I want so badly to take a trapeze flying class (not a joke) in Santa Monica but I don't think I would be able to pull my weight up.  How on earth is it that I can be so sick of all of this fat and so lazy, unmotivated to do anything about it??? I don't get that at all.  Every day I wake up and say today is the day I start...then I eat a _________________________________ left that blank becaue you could insert any number of things there that aren't good for me.  I started reading a book called "Made to Crave" and there are so many things in there already...(I'm barely on chapter 2) that speak to me...so many things that I read and think "I know exactly what you mean".  So my friends around the world...I ask you to pray for me.  This is very much more a spiritual battle than anything else.  I will be forty (f-o-u-r-t-y???) in a couple of years....and I want to know what it feels like to be fabulous!! Because honestly I really don't remember that feeling at all!  I spoke with the wife of my daughter's softball coach today (love softball season) and right now I can't remember really whar we ralked about...but I do remember thinking about how very pretty she looked...healthy...thin...rested...All of the things I am not....and I wanted to be her...well no that's not true...I want to be me...the real me...the girl who didn't give up on herself...the one who wouldn't go anywhere without make-up and hair done...You know at one point in my life I didn't even own a pair of pants???? That's because at one point in my life I believed I had great legs and I LOVED to show them off...I also liked to look very much the lady with pretty dresses and jewelry...all that is gone!!! Has been gone for sooooooo long.  I may not be able to wake up tomorrow morning (today morning???...gosh what time is it???) and be 100 pounds lighter (my ultimate goal by age 40) but I can do my hair...and I can do my make-up...and you know what... I can start to change some things instantly...and that makes me feel better...better enough to fall asleep I hope...because I have to get up in 2 hours!!!  Don't know if bags under my eyes will look so fabulous!!!

And She's Back!!!

(Sigh......).....so many thoughts going through my head.  My mouth hasn't had the ability to say everything in my heart...my fingers haven't either...which is why it's been awhile since my last post.  I missed blogging though.  Missed getting it all out for the whole world to see.  Missed the sweet feeling of release as I hit the "publish" button.  Not because I want people to see it.  Or because I need anyone's approval.  Or because I am trying to be some internet blogging sensation...but because...as much as my thoughts are "mine" I truly believe that there is someone reading this who has/believes/feels/needs the same things I do...and I take comfort in that just as I hope it gives comfort to you.  I am dealing with my dad's death in the best way I know how...I am praying alot and I am crying alot.  I do not have any regrets...and that feels good.  Don't get it twisted...there are so many things about mine and my dad's history that I could regret...but what good does that do now?  I don't know how much longer my life will go on...but God does...and I know that He didn't bring me this far for me to blow it by being full of "if only's" and "I wish I would've or didnt"s"  He brought me here...to this place I am now...to reflect and be grateful.  For my dad, for everyone I love, everyone in my life.  These past few weeks have been a blur and I think that's pretty terrible.  No one's life should be a blur.  A blur is a smear...a smudge of something that was once clear.  It's something that makes what was there before hardly noticeable.  And I don't want that.  Of course when I think about the last few weeks all I feel is sadness...but to me that's okay...because something or someone can't make you sad unless it meant a whole lot to you...and from the amount of sadness I feel and have felt I can tell (with a grateful heart) that there was and will always be so much love there.  I am thankful for the people that were there for me...and I am dissapoinited in some of the people that weren't.  I hold no grudges though.  If any of them needed me I would still be there.  Because I don't need them to love me in order for me to show them love.  My love of them is for my benefit, for my peace.  I can't even begin to start to tell you all of the crap I have eaten these past few weeks.  If there was food within arms distance I have put it in my mouth.  Even when my stomach was begging me for mercy my emotions were insatiable (fancy word, learned it in high school, knew I would use it in a sentence some day!!!...I just hope that I spelled it right!!!)  And I know without a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with food is toxic.  I am killing myself.  I also realized (during this time) that no matter how long I live, it's going to kill my daughter when I die.  Except that...I think it will kill her more if she is not an adult, out on her own, with her own family...and the thought of that scares the crap out of me....does it scare me enough???? Enough to stop??? Enough to change??? I still don't know...and that makes me sad.  I learned that my husband is the best man in the world for me and I am so very lucky to have him in my life.  I mean...I knew this all along...well I tend to forget it sometimes to be honest...but he has been such a strong support for me during all of this...more than I could ask for...more than I even knew I would need. (I learned from one of my aunties that my dad used to refer to him as a "Nubian Prince"...which I think is hilarious!!!) As much as I would like to go on with this post...I really need peace and quiet to concentrate on it...and my neighbors gangster rap is distracting me (yes...I love TUPAC!!!)...but I have time for more...and I am glad that my fingers flowed so smoothly through this.  So I'm back....hope that makes you happy because it makes me happy!!!

P.S.  I sang in the show...the City of Hope Spectacular in my home town.  I thought it was fun.  My performance was alright. Here is a link if you are interested:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBz6hfUx1Rs  I wouldn't do it again but I am glad that I did something I had always wanted to do...the next thing on my list is a little more painful than a singing gig...which leaves the question...does anyone know where I can get my nose pierced??? :)

Almost Time

Oh man...as it gets closer to 4:00 (the time we will escort my dad to the church) the more my stomach is turning.  Even though I feel like I can't do this...I know that I do not have a choice.  I know that I will make it through...and that, eventually, I will be okay.  This whole week has just been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  Yesterday we celebrated my babygirl's 8th birthday...so of course it was a joyous occassion! When I had that girl I was very ill and the doctors were very worried...but we both pulled through.  I am thankful for my daughter, so grateful that God chose me to be her mother.  Yesterday I had a huge reason to grieve, but I also realized that I have a whole lot of reasons to rejoice as well...and I can't forget that.  I can't and won't allow myself to ge so deep into my sadness that I forget or ignore the things that make me happy.  What was never done between me and my dad will never be done.  What has been done cannot be re-done or undone.  He is in heaven and the only thing I can do is wait for the day that we are united there once again.  I miss him dearly and think of him all day.  I even look for him walking down the street when I am driving around town...could've sworn I saw him a couple of times...but I know that's not real...just wishful thinking between my heart and my mind.  So...(taking a deep breath)...here we go...

Not a Good Night...

Tonight is a bad night.  8:36 p.m. is just not a good hour for me.  I am so sad I can't even describe it.  I know that some of you may know this sadness, may have experienced it before.  I was doing okay...until I started driving home from my daughter's baton class.  Started thinking about my dad walking down the street the night he died.  Thinking about how cold it was outside.  Wondering what was the last thing he was thinking about.  I started crying and I just can't stop.  My head is killing me.  My heart is aching.  I don't know what to do.  We planned his funeral today.  I sat there with family I hardly knew...but we were united in our grief.  I wish it were a birthday party or some happy occassion.  I wish we could be talking about something else other than funerals.  I wish my dad was alive.  I found myself looking for him today.  As I was sitting in my car this afternoon I looked up and down the streets...waiting to see if he would walk by.  I prayed to see him there...alive...walking...talking.  I thought to myself...is it possible that all of this was a mistake?  Is he alive somewhere and we just don't know it?  But reality is harsh and unavoidable.  And he wasn't there.  And he wasn't going to be there anymore.  Not physically anyway.  I chose to not look at my dad's body today.  I knew that I couldn't handle it.  Not today.  Will I regret that?  I don't know.  Time will tell how I feel about that later...but then it will be too late.  I wanted to look at his arm.  He had a tattoo of him and my mom's names in a heart...and everytime I saw him my eyes were drawn to that tattoo.  My mom referred to him as her "forever love" today...and I was happy because I know with all my heart that he knew that...and I was sad because I knew with all my heart that she meant it.  I heard my dad described as a "gentle giant" today.  He was (ugh...there's that word again...was...) a pretty big guy...with an even bigger heart.  I'm blessed to have been able to know that about him.  I don't know how long my tears will fall...right now it feels like it's going to go on forever...but I don't mind because I don't think tears are a bad thing...I know that's what I need.  My mom keeps trying to stuff my face with food...but everything I eat tastes like diet soda to me...and I really don't like the taste of diet soda!  My heart arrythmias are pretty bad too...stress does that to me I guess...but sometimes that is the only thing that snaps me back to reality when I am in a daze...and sometimes that pisses me off...because my reality sucks right now...the funeral will be at the end of this week...one day at a time doesn't seem so hard...but the nights last forever!!!

The Morning After

I actually slept well last night.  Went to bed around midnight.  Only woke up once around 2:00 in the morning.  I lay there for a few minutes and thought about getting up and getting on the computer.  I stopped myself though, and just decided to stay in bed.  Glad I did because the next time my eyes opened it was 6:30 and I felt pretty rested.  The first thing that came to my mind was the same thing as the last thing that was on my mind before I went to sleep.  My dad.  When I looked at the clock yesterday and saw that it was 11:45 (p.m.) in my mind I thought...45 more minutes and this awful day will be over...but, thank God, I woke up this morning and the awful started all over again.  I listened to music and cried last night.  Posted a video on my facebook (which I have reopened and I will admit that I feel comfort in reopening it) of Maraiah Carey's "Never Too Far"...because that is the song that had been in my head all day after I was told that my dad died.  I wish that this would have never happened, but I know that none of us is getting out of this world alive.  I heard his voice in my head yesterday over and over again...I made myself think of little things he would say...because I don't want to ever forget.  I have so much support...especially from my friends at Tule...and that feels so good.  And even though it's only 10:15 in the morning, I realize that my life (though it will never be the same) will and does go on.  Like Reba says "I guess the world ain't gonna stop for my broken heart..." and it's true.  I still got up and got my daughter ready for school.  Did all of the usual things I do in the morning.  The only difference was that instead of singing in the shower I had a good cry...but when I look around me it really is all the same...and someone, somewhere in the world, on any given day, is having to do the same thing I am having to do today...face it.  I have a good friend at work who lost her dad not too long ago.  I look at her face, the tears she is shedding for me, and for herself too, and I know that she knows.  And I think about how she is able to laugh now...to function "normally", to be able to do the things she needs to do without breaking down...and she is the epitome of my "light at the end of the tunnel", my living breathing proof that it will absolutely get better, not necessarily easy, but better.  And I hold steady to God's promise to me..that though I may have sorrow now...joy will come in the morning...I don't know when my "morning" will be...but I look forward to it, and I find comfort and peace in that promise.  Going today at noon to make funeral arrangements.  Trying to figure out where I fit in in this whole thing.  I found out today that my dad's favorite color was (...was...) light purple...I never knew that about him before...guess we never talked about our favorite color...but you can be sure that from now on it will be something I know about everyone that I love...

Vincent Peyron, Sr.

My dad died today.  I sat here for a few minutes and read that first sentence over and over again.  Not because I needed to be reminded, but because it still doesn't feel real.  It is real though.  It's sad.  It's overwhelming...it is very real.  My mom and dad lived together until I was around 6.  He was abusive to my mom and, even though she decided she wanted a better life, he decided he wanted a better life for us too so he's the one that ended it.  Of course they saw each other off and on.  And I can definately say that they never stopped loving each other.  But a life of our family all being together wasn't part of God's plan for us.  In a way I am very thankful...in another way I always wonder what I missed.  I've had a good life...even without him in it as much as I would have liked.  These past two years though we had become more close.  We would have lunch together, talk about the past, talk about the future.  Talk about things we loved about this world and things that we would love to change.  We had a good relationship in the end...and I am thankful for that.  He had a problem with alcohol.  He was an alcoholic.  I loved him when he was drunk just as much as I did when he was sober...I didn't want to be around him for as long of a period of time...but I still loved him.  He was (...was...) very wise.  Gave excellent advice!  He made a difference in my life and the way I saw some things these past couple of years.  He made so much sense when he talked and he had so much life experiences (good and bad) to back all of the talk up.  He was handsome.  Once I heard someone say he looked like a man that would be on a soap opera.  He was a great singer (that's where I got it from) and he played one hell of a guitar (...I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come...).  Past tense words...was...played...talked...gave...ugh I cannot believe this.  I am so sad...as I imagine there are many poeple sad about this loss that we have experienced today, about this great burden that we have to bear...What makes me feel better is that my dad has no more burdens.  He has no more sadness. Doesn't have to fight alcoholism anymore.  He is at peace...which is really what we all strive for in this world I think. I will miss him forever and I will always long for more moments with him...because even though we had alot of good times together...it will never ever be enough.  I tried to eat today...vomitted it up...my stomach is in knots my mind is in a fog.  Time is not a luxury that we are fortunate to have.  Every day is a gift.  If I keep saying I'll start that tomorrow...one of these days (God willing another 40 years from now) I will not be able to because my life here on earth will be over.  I didn't want to learn this lesson this way...but...it is what it is.  I love you dad. Rest in peace with my Aunt Stella (who my mom is convinced met you in heaven) and keep me in your heart...because everywhere I am...you will be there in mine.