Because Your Worth It (and so am I!)

I sing on the worship team at my church.  Yesterday after the first church service someone came up to me and told me that he feels I am "annointed when it comes to singing for the Lord"...and although I do believe that was one of the highest compliments I ever recieved, I also felt extremely unworthy of it.  So I hate to admit it but I spent the next 15 minutes sitting in my car with this gentlemen,s words ringing in my mind...and I thought "annointed, I could never be annointed" but as the day went on I came to a different realization...why not?  Why couldn't I be annointed?  Why couldn't I receive and accept a gift from God and feel totally worthy of it?  The answer...because I am so used to not believing that I can that I just figure that I don't and that is a sad sad thing.  So I cleared the negative thoughts from my head.  Didn't allow myself to believe that I am not worthy.  I wasn't defeted by lack of confidence and self doubt.  I looked in the mirror and said out loud...you are totally worthy!!!! The greatest thing about that is that I believed it!  Exercising has been doing wonders for my psyche.  I feel so much more energized.  I feel like I want to do things to keep me energized.  I want to comb my hair, because yes I was to a point were I wore my gave up on life sweatpants, threw my hair in a ponytail and I was done...and now I want to put make-up on. I want to do the best I can whith what's in my closet! (Because I haven't shopped for clothes in soooo long.) But the greatest thing is I want to do more!  I can't remeber the last time I felt so motivated!  I won't pretend I am doing great...my food choices leave so much more to be desired and (as you've heard me say plenty of times) I'm working on that...but exercise has become one of my favorite things to do...and even though I refuse to get on a scale unless I absolutely have to....I kow it's making a change.  Numbers can't tell me that, but my mind, and soul, and spirit is saying it loud and clear!  I am even excited that I get to increase my lunchtime from half an hour to one whole hour for the next two weeks...because that means I have time to go to the gym across the street!  If you are trying to find motivation just to get started you are not alone...I know what thats like...but Ifinally learned to refuse any thoughts that made me believe I couldn't, or wouldn't, life is worth so much more than that...my life is worth so much more than that....and so is yours!

Today's Thoughts

There's a song by R. Kelly called "Bump N' Grind" (ridiculous...I know...but stay with me) and in the first line he sings acapella "My mind's telling me no..but my body...my body's telling me yes..." and as I sat in my room contimplating whether or not I wanted to put my shoes on to go workout that is the only thing that was in my head!  I had to laugh out loud (or "lol" for you generation thumbers out there) because I really didn't unerstand what the heck that song had to do with my workout...well...as it turns out...the song had nothing to do with it...but those words rang true in my head.  Of course my body wasn't telling me yes...I absolutely hate going to the gym...and...although I think my trainer is a great person...I could do without him being in my face a couple of times a week...but could I live without it??? Maybe.  I could live.  I could live fat and unhealthy.  I could live a sedentary lifestyle, on medications, no motivation...but is that really living?  No. It's not.  I know that because that is the place that I am coming from.  The place that I am trying my darndest to get away from.  It's hard.  Real hard.  There are times when I am in the middle of my workout and I feel like crying...not because it's the greatest thing in the world and I am deeply moved by it all but because that shit is hard!!!  But you know what...I've gotten through it.  Don't consider me an expert or anything...I am only three weeks into this...I still doubt my ability to actually git er done...but every time I step out of that gym, when I am finished, I feel like I have moved a mountain...and well...at 250 pounds I've really moved at least a small hill!!!  Today's workout was a good one for me.  I am tired but relaxed and I am expecting to have a great night's sleep!  I will feel my aches tomorrow and I do look forward to that because that means I did some good work today. I still need to work out the whole eating right thing.  I'm doing way better than I used to...but I could use some more discipline in that department.  I won't beat myself up over it though.  As long as I am breathing I have another opportunity...and these days...I'm breathing a little bit easier...

Work It!!!

Yesterday I celebrated my 39th birthday.  It's seems so weird to me to say I'm 39 years old.  I never really appreciated how long that is until yesterday.  I am not one who is trying to fight the clock to stay forever young.  I will take my wrinkles and my age spots, the aches and the prolapsed bladder, as it all comes along.  I will not however waste any more of this precious gift we call time.  I've been sick for about a week.  Body aches, fever, and one of the worst coughs I have ever had in my life.  At one point I was considering some old world medicine (aka a shot of tequila) to see if that would help...instead I opted for a shot of antibiotics right into my untoned patooty and that took care of everything except for this cough.  Since I couldn't breathe to begin with I figured exercise was out of the question.  I have been seeing a trainer for two weeks now.  Well, yeah, this is the second week and I assumed my cough was my get-out-of-sore-muscles-free card...but...we all know what happens when we assume something.  So I went to the trainer today and he said we would "take it easy" which made me really happy.  Of course I should of asked him whose definition of "take it easy" was he talking about because easy it absolutely was not!  My shoulders and arms are killing me.  In fact even as I type this my elbows and shoulders are locked i a position and the only thing moving are my wrists and fingers.  If there is something set above my head today that I will die if I cannot get to then I guess I'm gonna be hittin' the dusty trail! But I must admit that mentally....it felt great walking out of there knowing I had finished my workout. Knowing in my heart how much I wanted to cancel today. I can do this. Not without complaining...not without a little help from the people that love me...but I can do this. This is a conversation I had with my husband afterward:

Me: Can you believe that even after the trainer heard me coughing and gasping for so  he just said "okay Jeanette lets do 2 more sets".

Hubster: Yes

Me: What do you mean yes?

Hubster: Because that's his job.

And when I hung up the phone I thought about my role in all of this...My job. And I realize that that is how I need to see all of this weight loss journey (because from now on I refuse to call it a struggle!). As my job. I need to do it everyday. I need to realize how great the benefits are. How blessed I am to have  this job...and in the end...after I've punched in my hours and given it all I got....I get to cash one hell of a fat check (my health!). And I think....though it's not the easiest job I ever had, it'll definitely be the one I will never regret!!!

MOVE!!!

I lost a co-worker today. Not to death but to Chicago. I will miss her dearly. I appreciated her intelligence and her humor. I enjoyed  the conversations we had and the times we laughed together at work. I am, however, so very happy for her...because change is good...and I'm even a little envious of her because as much as I know change is good I have been doing the same freaking thing over and over again for what feels like forever. What have  I been doing over and over again????? Well...nothing. I have been doing nothing over an  over again for such a long time...I'm bored. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I need to move! I don't mean away (though honestly that would be nice) I just mean move.....hate how I look??? MOVE! Hate my weight??? MOVE!!! Hate other things in my life??? MOVE!!! That is the answer...move...I knew there was a reason why the animals from Madagascar like to move it move it....it's because moving feels better, moving looks better, moving clears your mind, moving heals your broken heart. Move. Move on. Move up. Move out. I'm liking that word and the meaning it is taking on for me today. So to my dear Mrs. Schumann thank you for Veronica Mars and Downton Abbey...and thank you for making me want to move!

Rest in Peace but Live in Peace Too

It is really hard to sing with a lump in your throat.  I've always known that...but proved it today.  I was asked to sing at a funeral.  A young man who died a few days ago.  Something went wrong with his heart is about all I know of how he passed.  I did not know him (although I have a feeling I did know him, just not recently) and, even though there were many people at his funeral that I know I went to high school with, I didn't really know his family either.  All I knew was that someone somebody loved was lying in the casket, and all I could feel was how badly every person in there wished it weren't true.  I tried not to make eye contact with anyone, I tried not to watch the slide show, but when I heard Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" I couldn't help but look up and watch the screen.  And as the pictures of this guys life flashed before my eyes the gravity of the whole situation for this family just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt myself struggling to hold back my tears...and I shouldn't have done that...because that is what caused the lump in my throat.  I was supposed to sing "Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone" and when it started it was beautiful.  As I was singing I kept telling myself "don't look at any one's face"...you see up until then I was sitting in the very back, all I could see was the back of their heads.  And as I looked around the room from the podium I just lost it...I'd love to say I finished strong, not for me...but because this family deserved it...but I didn't...I had to cut the song a little short and do the best I could.  I feel bad because that isn't something that I can ever do again, not for him, not for them, but I hope they know how honored I am to have been invited to celebrate this guys life.  And even though I felt like I was peeping in at something very private by being there, I truly appreciated being able to share the moment with these people that I didn't even know.  Of course funerals always make me think of my life, and my death.  Truth is none of us knows when or how.  My goal is to be able to see my girls married with babies of their own, doing well on their own, and I pray that I get there...but who knows really?  I know too many young children who have a parent that is dead.  I wonder how they handle it.  When my dad died it was a hurt I have never felt before and I never want to feel it again.  It wasn't just an emotional hurt but a physical pain so deep down in the pit of my stomach.  Like someone was continually punching me over and over again...not letting me up for air...not giving me a moment to catch my breath...and I still feel that way sometimes...and I won't say it is getting easier...but I am learning how to deal.  How did little kids learn that?  Especially when the adults they have left can't even keep themselves together?  I pray that my daughter never knows this pain as a young child.  Even as an adult it hurts more than anyone can take.  They say time heals all things but I really don't believe that.  God heals all things...time makes things old..time makes it so that we can see things differently...time keeps ticking even after we have taken our last breath.  Looking at pictures of this guy's life...I saw family...I saw love...I saw parties and laughter...Las Vegas...San Francisco...beer...babies...I saw my life...all of our lives really...and it's too bad that I have forgotten lately how very blessed I am just to be alive.  Even when I am frustrated with my job or my husband or my girls.  Even when my clothes don't fit.  Even when I feel like my life is wasted.  Even when I'm screaming at the top of my head.  Even when I'm crying my eyes out on my way to or from work and I don't even know why...those times are a blessing...because even though it sucks big ass to feel like crap at least we are able to feel.  When we wake up in the morning we need to be grateful that we wake up in the morning.  Every minute is a gift and a treasure.  For this young man his life here on earth is over.  And even though I truly believe he is happy in heaven, I know for a fact that his family and the people that love him don't want him to be anywhere but here.  And if you are reading this you are still here...and so am I...so let's make the most of it now!

Yeah You Know Me

So...as it turns out...I have OCD.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  No I do not turn light switches off and on while reciting the alphabet.  I don't lock and unlock my front door a hundred times before I can comfortably leave the house.  I guess it's not normal to clean my house in a counter clockwise direction starting from the bathroom and ending in the kitchen.  I also guess it's not normal to arrange my closet in a way where everything has a place, short sleeves, long sleeves, no sleeves, dresses, skirts, pants, jeans, sweaters, then belts/scarves.  Everyone likes an organized closet...but when all of the hangers HAVE to match or it puts you in a bad mood then that's a big deal.  So okay...I am a little obsessive...okay...I am ALOT obsessive.  What was pointed out to me though was that my obsessions are not manifested physically, my obsessions are my thoughts.  So what do I think you ask?  I'm gonna tell you but, if you know me, you won't believe it.  When we are taking a road trip somewhere (which we do alot) in my mind, before we go, I have already seen the flat tire, that leads to the car being out of control, that leads to our car hitting a big rig, that leads to the big rig jack knifing and hitting us back, that leads to our car being trapped under the big rig, that leads to the big rig (which happens to be hauling gasoline) exploding, which leads to us dying a terrible fiery death, which leads to the police knocking on my mom's door and telling her that everyone she loves the most is dead....(pant, pant) and that's on a good day.  Why do these thoughts come to my head???  I don't know.  But I have made a promise to myself to figure that out so that they stop.  Mind you, I do know how to get somewhere and have a good time...but there is always that little feeling inside of me that "this is going to kill us..." and it's obsessive, and it's compulsive, and it's the way I have lived for the last 8 years (at least!)  My assignment from the doctor is to look up OCD. (He says I'm a "classic case") and find ways that other people cope.  He says to try those things and see if they work for me.  I need to alter my behaviour in order to be able to let go of my anxiety...to that I say...no crap!!! But seriously it's true.  And I've known it for awhile.  It's just in a better perspective for me now.  I started my behaviour modification today by "cleaning out my closet" so to speak.  I let go of a couple of things I've been holding onto for awhile.  Letting go is easy...staying away is the hard part for me.  I feel more powerful than I did before though, so I am optimistic about it.  One of the things I didn't let go of is Dr. Pepper. Even now I am sipping on my last bit, sucking all the last drops of flavor off of the ice.  This soda is killing me.  That is not my anxiety talking...that is my cardiologist telling me to give it up at my appointment today.  I told him about some symptoms I've been having...physical not mental...he told me I should take this more seriously than I ever have before.  I don't know how I feel about it.  Sounds stupid but I don't.  I have had 3 health care professionals this week tell me I am digging myself an early grave....and now...I am scared.  So I will take my last Dr. Pepper (yes I said last) and cherish the memory of it for tonight. Then I will start new tomorrow....no not new....I've done that too many times...tomorrow I will start different!!!

P.S.
Since I heard the term "OCD" I can't help but hear the Naughty by Nature song "OPP" in my head!!! It's funny but ridiculous!!! Who's down with OCD???? Me apparently!!!

Baby Steps

I met with a nutritionist from UC Davis today (isn't tele-health the best invention ever?!?!) and...well...to keep it real...she didn't tell me anything that I didn't already know myself.  She was very nice though, and she seemed like she would be very supportive.  She gave me some menu options so I can plan my meals, told me I need to cut out the soda (NOOOOO!!!!! I will not allow my Dr. Pepper to be disrespected like that!!!), and said I should keep a food diary.  None of those things seem impossible...so why haven't I done them before?  I really can't answer that except to say that I guess I've just been lazy, unwilling, unmotivated (okay I guess I can answer that!!!)  I like that I am going to meet with her again in a month, because I already feel like I have to get something accomplished to report to her...I feel like meeting with her will force me to be accountable.  As an adult I should be able to be accountale for my actions, including what I eat. I've never been under a nutritionists care before and I am excited about it.  Tomorrow I meet with the psychiatrist...yes I said psychiatrist.  I know for a fact that I am an emotional over eater and it's time for me to deal with the root of where that all comes from. I don't know what I am going to discover (or should I say uncover) about myself during this journey but I am willing to accept and face whatever comes along.  I realize that a healthy lifestyle means more than just diet and exercising.  It means being able to cope with life as it happens. Not how I wish or want or need it to happen, but just how it happens to happen, because I have no control over that.  I can control how I react and that's it. And although I am very much adapted to reacting with a chocolate chip cookie in my hand...I am more than positive that there are better ways.  Baby steps are better than no steps at all.  All of us started out by pulling ourselves around on our bellies!!! Of course I never imagined my belly would get so heavy!!!  Time to lighten the load...not just the load on my belly but the load in my heart.  Lord help me to be ready for this...because only You can make me ready!  On a sad note my little old neighbor lady died today...just about an hour ago actually.  She was old and sick.  Though I don't know her age or what ailed her exactly.  I have known her since I was in the 8th grade...a very long time now...and it just makes me so sad.  I also wonder how my babygirl is going to react when I tell her the news in the morning.  You see, my daughter is just as anxious a person as I am (all my fault!) and I dread having to tell her this.  But she, as well as I, believes in heaven.  And I believe my little old neighbor lady is rejoicing with her husband and her children that have gone before her.  As I stood there by her bedside.  I heard her grad daughter talking about how much she was at peace "now".  I can't help but long for that peace sometimes.  And although I know I will get there someday I do not want to be in heaven to have to experience that peace "now".  Hmmm...I it's gonna be a long night of thinking....and maybe some tears...

In This Great Future, You Can't Forget Your Past

It's almost 2:00 in the morning and I can't get to sleep.  It would be so nice if I could just lay my head on my pillow, close my eyes, and drift off to some magical dream world somewhere...but alas...that is not meant to be tonight.  If it were only tonight that would be okay.  Truth is it happens way more than I would like it to.  I have been in an anxious state since Wednesday.  Well, if I'm honest, I've been in an anxious state since my baby girl was born, but I can feel this anxiety so bad in my body and it's making me nuts!  Could be an over consumption of Dr. Pepper...I have occasionally gone on a binge...or maybe there is something more.  Something that goes even deeper than my caffeine addiction.  So what is it tonight???  Well, in my expert opinion...it's photographs.  You see long before digital pictures hung out in our cameras or in our phones by the thousands we had to do something called "developing" to the film.  We turned in the little rolls to the drug store, waited about a week or so, then excitedly picked up our envelope full of memories.  I find it really weird still that, back in the day, every ones pictures were all stuck together somewhere...so on could easily pick up someone elses envelope full of memories and leisurely invade a stranger's birthday party, wedding, or girl's night out.  I never did that...but I admit I always wanted to!  Tonight I ended up with a huge bag full of pictures.  I told myself I wouldn't go through them until tomorrow, but I couldn't resist.  The best part about looking through the bag was I took none of those pictures, so I had no idea what was there.  The worst part was I took none of those pictures, so I had no idea what was there!  What was there?  Mostly family stuff.  I found pictures of myself when I was in kinder, 1st, and 5th grade.  I saw myself as a freshman and a sophomore in high school. (Tall hair anyone??? Hey...it was the 80's!!!)  And I saw pictures of my family members.  Some that are with me still.  Some that I will see again when I get to heaven.  Pictures of them.  Young.  Happy.  Enjoying the days they lived.  I saw a picture of my grandpa cooking meat for our Christmas tamales (insert lame joke why Mexicans eat tamales at Christmas here...) and I swear I could smell the fire.  I could hear Ramon Ayala music playing in the back ground.  I could hear my grandpa singing along to every word.  I saw pictures of my aunt Stella and her girls.  I was reminded of how beautiful she was...then I felt bad for forgetting that in the first place.  I remembered how she used to take me and my cousins anywhere we wanted to go.  I remember her black eyeliner, her immaculate home, and how happy she was the day my cousin got her period.  She was an awesome, awesome woman.  I saw one picture of my cousin Teresa.  I heard her voice.  I don't know what she was saying.  But I remember always feeling like she had a very unique voice.  She used to some visit my mom alot...but I always had to leave the room when they started talking.  She was older than I was, so I just figured they were talking about "grown up" stuff.  Pictures and more pictures.  I could hear Bob Marley's "No Woman, No Cry" while I was looking at them..."good friends we had and good friends we lost along the way..." and I realized, with all of the limited energy I have, how super duper blessed I am to be a part of the family I have.  I love them.  I love them all so very much.  Tonight I feel like I can feel them all.  All of their pain, all of their sadness, all of their joy, all of their victories, and it just overwhelms me more than I can explain.  I think of how sick I have been feeling these past couple of months and I wonder how long my life will be with them.  And I wish I didn't.  I really wish I didn't do that.  I have no control over how long my life will be...all I know is that I want to see my girls living as adults.  As successful wives and mothers.  I want to sit back as an old woman one day and look at their pictures, their moments, their memories and feel again what I felt tonight when I was looking at mine.  Most of all I want to learn how to truly appreciate every breath, every second of my most precious and ever changing life. I want to be overwhelmed by something greater than my wieght loss struggles every day for the rest of my life. I will accept nothing less.  Hello Jeanette...it's nice to see you again!

Blog Blog Bo Bog

Today on facebook (yup...my facebook diet is just about as successful as every other diet I've ever been on) I saw that a friend of mine started a blog last night.  I felt glad for her.  I felt glad for her because reading her blog reminded me of how much I enjoy writing mine.  Of course you wouldn't know that by the amount of attention I have given to it lately!  It's not that I don't have anything to say...as a matter of fact I think it would take hours to put down all of the things that I feel inside.  It's not that I don't have time...I have literally been spending hours watching "Veronica Mars" DVD's (never watched the show when it was on, a friend loaned me her DVD sets, if you've never watched it and one day decide to you won't be disappointed) anyway I have been spending hours with that in the evenings.  So what I have concluded is this... I created this to be a blog primarily about my weight loss...and well I really...well I don't...have any weight loss stuff to report except that my efforts suck big time donkey poo!  Aren't you all tired of hearing me say how much I "try"...cause I'm tired of writing it!  Don't you want to read about my victories???? Because I sure as heck want to be able to share them with you.  I don't want this to be a page of excuses...the world is full of those and one more added is not gonna help anyone with anything...it hasn't helped me.  I will say that I have met with a personal trainer at least four days a week for the last three weeks.  I get that service FOR FREE because of my job.  The only thing I have to do is change my clothes and walk across the street.  I was doing really well until I got strep throat...so I haven't been there for a week.  I was also very discouraged when I went to the doctor for a physical and learned that I had gained 2 pounds since starting the gym.  THAT IS WHY I DO NOT GET ON THE SCALE!  Next time I go to the doctor I'm gonna ask them not to tell me what it is.  I want to measure myself by my efforts not a number on the scale. (Which, at this point however, gives me the same result!)  The number on the scale does not define me.  It does not tell me what type of person I am, or who I am gonna be someday.  It's a good tool for some people, but not for me.  So back to the trainer it is on Monday. And, even  as my muscles cry a screeching "NOOOOOO!" from within...my psyche is telling me "You go girl!" (because my psyche just cannot get rid of cheesy phrases from the 90's!)

Have to...

Well I am happy to report that I had a great week!!! I stayed on my healthy eating path and exercised for at least 30 minutes everyday...okay...so if any of you are calling me on my crappy lie...you're right!!!  I didn't do any of it!!! My intentions were good...my efforts were bleh.  I had the thought of joining a boot camp thing for a month.  Then I realized that it's the exact same day and time as babygirl's dance class...so that won't work.  When I think about it though I guess I'm never gonna have time if I don't make time...because there is always something else I have to do.  Do you ever feel like your whole life is "have to"...sometimes I do...but when I'm tired from working and I start complaining that I have to work...I try to remember the tens of thousands of people in this country who would work anywhere that would take them...when I complain that I have to make dinner...I try to remind myself of how blessed I am just to have food...and if food is such a blessing then why on earth do I curse my body with it??? Good question, no answer.  Maybe some day...I said this today at lunch.  Sitiing around the break room with some co-workers.  Somehow the subject of my dad came up and I was telling them that every day I beg him to just come to me...give me a sign that he can hear me...and every day so far I've gotten nothing...so maybe some day.  I was thinking about the things that I never did with my dad.  Things that I'll never do with him.  I am trying to remain grateful for what I did have.  I mean, he and I didn't have to spend time together...we wanted to.  And how awesome is that.  I think when kids are young, parents really don't have much of a choice to be or not be around our kids.  I mean not really.  But when children become adults we do have a choice.  He didn't have to like me and I didn't have to like him.  Love would always be there...almost by default...but like...we have to work on like.  And I'm glad to say I seriously liked him and I think he liked me to...enough to come to me in my dreams and give me one of his giant hugs??? I sure hope so!  Maybe some day...I'll let you know about it!!!

I think..therefore I am (going crazy!!!)

In order for me to feel like I can really let all of you in, really get down on paper what I am feeling inside, I have to be alone with my thoughts.  The reason it's been so long since my last post is because these days I don't like being alone with my thoughts.  My thoughts bring me tears and grief.  My thoughts bring me anxiety and anger.  So I have been trying my best to avoid being alone with my thoughts.  The problem with that is if I don't let them out, they manifest themselves physically.  I have had the worst migraines I have ever had in my life.  My eyes burn all the time...like there is smoke in them or something.  My hair is falling out.  My stomach hurts...and my arms are starting to ache.  To sum it all up...I feel like crap!  I decided tonight that I can no longer be afraid to be alone with my thoughts, but instead I need to let it all out.  And I mean let it all out in a productive way...not in a go home and yell at your husband and daughter way (not admitting to you that I've done that but...okay...I've done that) so here I am again...inviting you to come with me.  Asking you to understand...maybe relate...maybe laugh... and maybe cry with me as I continue on this journey which is my life...and this quest that I have begun so many times to get fit and live a healthier way.  I'll start off by saying that I have been a bad bad girl (food wise okay...you sickos!!!)  I have eaten every single emotion I have felt these past couple of months.  I have stuffed my face with the saltiest, greasiest, yummiest tasting, artery clogging, blood pressure elevating food I could get my hands on.  I have eaten in shame...alone in my car...getting rid of the evidence before I got home...and I have enjoyed over stuffing myself with my family.  Feeling my body say "please don't give me anymore" but my mind say "if you eat one more bite you'll feel so much better."  It's a curse this emotional eating thing.  A way for me to slowly kill myself while not feeling so guilty, well not in front of people anyway...believe me when I look in the mirrior I feel alot of guilt...I just know how to hide it pretty well.  At least I think I do.  Maybe you people that know me are reading this right now thinking "sorry honey...you do not hide it at all" (okay I just assume that when you all think of me you think of me as "honey" haha) or maybe you had no idea.  I'm tired of it though...and it's time for me to really get right.  It was a good food day today...well...yeah...okay good is a good way to put it I guess.  I don't count calories because I don't like math...just kidding...I mean I don't like math but....anyway...I will be reporting what I ate today.  For breakfast I had a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles with 2% milk...not quite the same as Special K with skim milk but wwwaaaayyyyy better than a sausage mcmuffin.  I had a snack about an hour later (because cocoa pebbles can only take me so far) which consisted of a banana.  I ate the banana slowly because in my mind it was covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce (you thought I was gonna start the ice cream and cake and cake...ice cream and cake and cake....ice cream and cake do the ice cream and cake....now that will be in your head all night...your welcome...)  About an hour after that I had a light strawberry yogurt which I have come to really enjoy the taste of.  It wasn't greek yougurt...and it didn't turn anyone into John Stamos...but I did catch the last few minutes of a Full House episode later on so I got my Uncle Jesse fix.  For lunch I had a Healthy Choice meal...some type of chicken dish.  It was really good...better than I expected actually and very easy to make...just pop it in the microwave.  For dinner we had salmon, rice, and mixed veggies with a green salad.  And by green salad I mean a pile of lettuce topped with some cheese because we are all out of fresh veggies.  I added about a teaspoon of ranch for some flavor.  Oh  I almost forgot...I did indulge in some left over chocolate eater eggs at work...why???...because if someone puts a chocolate easter egg in front of your face your gonna eat it...and I admit I stuffed those little things in my mouth as if they had grown legs and were trying to run away!!! And they were sooooo good...and I'm gonna stop talking about that now because it's making my mouth water.  But my biggest victory today.  I have not had one soda!!! (1-2-3 Hooray!!!) And even though my head is pounding from caffeine withdrawals and the sound of the spanish music blasting from my neighbors house makes me want to go hit someone over the head with a blunt object...I will go to bed in a few minutes and not feel it anyway...and tomorrow I will take it hour by hour just like I did today.  I also did 30 minutes of exercise with my husband (a Tae Bo video...you sickos!!!) and it felt like my lungs were gonna fall out onto the floor...and that actually felt pretty good.  I didn't enjoy it though...which is a red flag for me to start really looking for something I enjoy (Zumba anyone???) because if I don't like it I won't stick to it for long...(that's the reason why i've had 4 husbands!!!...kidding...)  I have dreaded the nights...when I lie alone with my thoughts...but tonight I will face it...I will cry...and I won't regret it but allow it to heal me. And by the grace of God I will fall into a peaceful sleep for the first time in a long time.  So I pray that you all have a good night and sweet dreams.  Hasta manana peeps!!!

P.S.
Please donot call 911.  I swear I will not go to my neighbors and hit anyone over the head with a blunt object...I might htrow it through the window though...but don't tell anyone!  ;)

Thoughts at 0250

I woke up at 1:30 in the morning with a desire to hear the song "Special" by Garbage.  Got up...went to my computer...and youtubed ("youtubed" is an official verb now ya know) it.  I have always liked that song...but these days I am LOVING it.  Funny thing is I don't know why. Okay that's not true...I know why...and I know who...but I am going to choose to keep that to myself for now... I have been feeling lately like I should go visit my dad's grave...it's been about a month now...but another part of me is hesitating.  I used to drive right by his house on the way home from work.  More than once I felt like I should stop and say hello...but I always figured I'd "do it tomorrow".  Then one day there were no more tomorrows left...not for him...not for me and him together.  So I guess I shouldn't wait.  I inquired about this boot camp fitness thing today (...yesterday??? wait what time is it???) and was terribly frightened by the words HIGH INTENSITY WORK OUT in the response.  Right away I figured it wasn't for me.  Because how can you go from the couch to a high intensity work out and survive it??? At least that's what my mind is saying..."look at me...I'm running...oh I'm dead"...but I have to start somewhere...geez I just have to start.  I HATE looking at pictures of myself.  I HATE the fact that I can't polish my own toenails...(okay so I don't think I've ever really been able to do that anyway but now even less)...and I want so badly to take a trapeze flying class (not a joke) in Santa Monica but I don't think I would be able to pull my weight up.  How on earth is it that I can be so sick of all of this fat and so lazy, unmotivated to do anything about it??? I don't get that at all.  Every day I wake up and say today is the day I start...then I eat a _________________________________ left that blank becaue you could insert any number of things there that aren't good for me.  I started reading a book called "Made to Crave" and there are so many things in there already...(I'm barely on chapter 2) that speak to me...so many things that I read and think "I know exactly what you mean".  So my friends around the world...I ask you to pray for me.  This is very much more a spiritual battle than anything else.  I will be forty (f-o-u-r-t-y???) in a couple of years....and I want to know what it feels like to be fabulous!! Because honestly I really don't remember that feeling at all!  I spoke with the wife of my daughter's softball coach today (love softball season) and right now I can't remember really whar we ralked about...but I do remember thinking about how very pretty she looked...healthy...thin...rested...All of the things I am not....and I wanted to be her...well no that's not true...I want to be me...the real me...the girl who didn't give up on herself...the one who wouldn't go anywhere without make-up and hair done...You know at one point in my life I didn't even own a pair of pants???? That's because at one point in my life I believed I had great legs and I LOVED to show them off...I also liked to look very much the lady with pretty dresses and jewelry...all that is gone!!! Has been gone for sooooooo long.  I may not be able to wake up tomorrow morning (today morning???...gosh what time is it???) and be 100 pounds lighter (my ultimate goal by age 40) but I can do my hair...and I can do my make-up...and you know what... I can start to change some things instantly...and that makes me feel better...better enough to fall asleep I hope...because I have to get up in 2 hours!!!  Don't know if bags under my eyes will look so fabulous!!!

And She's Back!!!

(Sigh......).....so many thoughts going through my head.  My mouth hasn't had the ability to say everything in my heart...my fingers haven't either...which is why it's been awhile since my last post.  I missed blogging though.  Missed getting it all out for the whole world to see.  Missed the sweet feeling of release as I hit the "publish" button.  Not because I want people to see it.  Or because I need anyone's approval.  Or because I am trying to be some internet blogging sensation...but because...as much as my thoughts are "mine" I truly believe that there is someone reading this who has/believes/feels/needs the same things I do...and I take comfort in that just as I hope it gives comfort to you.  I am dealing with my dad's death in the best way I know how...I am praying alot and I am crying alot.  I do not have any regrets...and that feels good.  Don't get it twisted...there are so many things about mine and my dad's history that I could regret...but what good does that do now?  I don't know how much longer my life will go on...but God does...and I know that He didn't bring me this far for me to blow it by being full of "if only's" and "I wish I would've or didnt"s"  He brought me here...to this place I am now...to reflect and be grateful.  For my dad, for everyone I love, everyone in my life.  These past few weeks have been a blur and I think that's pretty terrible.  No one's life should be a blur.  A blur is a smear...a smudge of something that was once clear.  It's something that makes what was there before hardly noticeable.  And I don't want that.  Of course when I think about the last few weeks all I feel is sadness...but to me that's okay...because something or someone can't make you sad unless it meant a whole lot to you...and from the amount of sadness I feel and have felt I can tell (with a grateful heart) that there was and will always be so much love there.  I am thankful for the people that were there for me...and I am dissapoinited in some of the people that weren't.  I hold no grudges though.  If any of them needed me I would still be there.  Because I don't need them to love me in order for me to show them love.  My love of them is for my benefit, for my peace.  I can't even begin to start to tell you all of the crap I have eaten these past few weeks.  If there was food within arms distance I have put it in my mouth.  Even when my stomach was begging me for mercy my emotions were insatiable (fancy word, learned it in high school, knew I would use it in a sentence some day!!!...I just hope that I spelled it right!!!)  And I know without a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with food is toxic.  I am killing myself.  I also realized (during this time) that no matter how long I live, it's going to kill my daughter when I die.  Except that...I think it will kill her more if she is not an adult, out on her own, with her own family...and the thought of that scares the crap out of me....does it scare me enough???? Enough to stop??? Enough to change??? I still don't know...and that makes me sad.  I learned that my husband is the best man in the world for me and I am so very lucky to have him in my life.  I mean...I knew this all along...well I tend to forget it sometimes to be honest...but he has been such a strong support for me during all of this...more than I could ask for...more than I even knew I would need. (I learned from one of my aunties that my dad used to refer to him as a "Nubian Prince"...which I think is hilarious!!!) As much as I would like to go on with this post...I really need peace and quiet to concentrate on it...and my neighbors gangster rap is distracting me (yes...I love TUPAC!!!)...but I have time for more...and I am glad that my fingers flowed so smoothly through this.  So I'm back....hope that makes you happy because it makes me happy!!!

P.S.  I sang in the show...the City of Hope Spectacular in my home town.  I thought it was fun.  My performance was alright. Here is a link if you are interested:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBz6hfUx1Rs  I wouldn't do it again but I am glad that I did something I had always wanted to do...the next thing on my list is a little more painful than a singing gig...which leaves the question...does anyone know where I can get my nose pierced??? :)

Almost Time

Oh man...as it gets closer to 4:00 (the time we will escort my dad to the church) the more my stomach is turning.  Even though I feel like I can't do this...I know that I do not have a choice.  I know that I will make it through...and that, eventually, I will be okay.  This whole week has just been a roller coaster of emotions for me.  Yesterday we celebrated my babygirl's 8th birthday...so of course it was a joyous occassion! When I had that girl I was very ill and the doctors were very worried...but we both pulled through.  I am thankful for my daughter, so grateful that God chose me to be her mother.  Yesterday I had a huge reason to grieve, but I also realized that I have a whole lot of reasons to rejoice as well...and I can't forget that.  I can't and won't allow myself to ge so deep into my sadness that I forget or ignore the things that make me happy.  What was never done between me and my dad will never be done.  What has been done cannot be re-done or undone.  He is in heaven and the only thing I can do is wait for the day that we are united there once again.  I miss him dearly and think of him all day.  I even look for him walking down the street when I am driving around town...could've sworn I saw him a couple of times...but I know that's not real...just wishful thinking between my heart and my mind.  So...(taking a deep breath)...here we go...

Not a Good Night...

Tonight is a bad night.  8:36 p.m. is just not a good hour for me.  I am so sad I can't even describe it.  I know that some of you may know this sadness, may have experienced it before.  I was doing okay...until I started driving home from my daughter's baton class.  Started thinking about my dad walking down the street the night he died.  Thinking about how cold it was outside.  Wondering what was the last thing he was thinking about.  I started crying and I just can't stop.  My head is killing me.  My heart is aching.  I don't know what to do.  We planned his funeral today.  I sat there with family I hardly knew...but we were united in our grief.  I wish it were a birthday party or some happy occassion.  I wish we could be talking about something else other than funerals.  I wish my dad was alive.  I found myself looking for him today.  As I was sitting in my car this afternoon I looked up and down the streets...waiting to see if he would walk by.  I prayed to see him there...alive...walking...talking.  I thought to myself...is it possible that all of this was a mistake?  Is he alive somewhere and we just don't know it?  But reality is harsh and unavoidable.  And he wasn't there.  And he wasn't going to be there anymore.  Not physically anyway.  I chose to not look at my dad's body today.  I knew that I couldn't handle it.  Not today.  Will I regret that?  I don't know.  Time will tell how I feel about that later...but then it will be too late.  I wanted to look at his arm.  He had a tattoo of him and my mom's names in a heart...and everytime I saw him my eyes were drawn to that tattoo.  My mom referred to him as her "forever love" today...and I was happy because I know with all my heart that he knew that...and I was sad because I knew with all my heart that she meant it.  I heard my dad described as a "gentle giant" today.  He was (ugh...there's that word again...was...) a pretty big guy...with an even bigger heart.  I'm blessed to have been able to know that about him.  I don't know how long my tears will fall...right now it feels like it's going to go on forever...but I don't mind because I don't think tears are a bad thing...I know that's what I need.  My mom keeps trying to stuff my face with food...but everything I eat tastes like diet soda to me...and I really don't like the taste of diet soda!  My heart arrythmias are pretty bad too...stress does that to me I guess...but sometimes that is the only thing that snaps me back to reality when I am in a daze...and sometimes that pisses me off...because my reality sucks right now...the funeral will be at the end of this week...one day at a time doesn't seem so hard...but the nights last forever!!!

The Morning After

I actually slept well last night.  Went to bed around midnight.  Only woke up once around 2:00 in the morning.  I lay there for a few minutes and thought about getting up and getting on the computer.  I stopped myself though, and just decided to stay in bed.  Glad I did because the next time my eyes opened it was 6:30 and I felt pretty rested.  The first thing that came to my mind was the same thing as the last thing that was on my mind before I went to sleep.  My dad.  When I looked at the clock yesterday and saw that it was 11:45 (p.m.) in my mind I thought...45 more minutes and this awful day will be over...but, thank God, I woke up this morning and the awful started all over again.  I listened to music and cried last night.  Posted a video on my facebook (which I have reopened and I will admit that I feel comfort in reopening it) of Maraiah Carey's "Never Too Far"...because that is the song that had been in my head all day after I was told that my dad died.  I wish that this would have never happened, but I know that none of us is getting out of this world alive.  I heard his voice in my head yesterday over and over again...I made myself think of little things he would say...because I don't want to ever forget.  I have so much support...especially from my friends at Tule...and that feels so good.  And even though it's only 10:15 in the morning, I realize that my life (though it will never be the same) will and does go on.  Like Reba says "I guess the world ain't gonna stop for my broken heart..." and it's true.  I still got up and got my daughter ready for school.  Did all of the usual things I do in the morning.  The only difference was that instead of singing in the shower I had a good cry...but when I look around me it really is all the same...and someone, somewhere in the world, on any given day, is having to do the same thing I am having to do today...face it.  I have a good friend at work who lost her dad not too long ago.  I look at her face, the tears she is shedding for me, and for herself too, and I know that she knows.  And I think about how she is able to laugh now...to function "normally", to be able to do the things she needs to do without breaking down...and she is the epitome of my "light at the end of the tunnel", my living breathing proof that it will absolutely get better, not necessarily easy, but better.  And I hold steady to God's promise to me..that though I may have sorrow now...joy will come in the morning...I don't know when my "morning" will be...but I look forward to it, and I find comfort and peace in that promise.  Going today at noon to make funeral arrangements.  Trying to figure out where I fit in in this whole thing.  I found out today that my dad's favorite color was (...was...) light purple...I never knew that about him before...guess we never talked about our favorite color...but you can be sure that from now on it will be something I know about everyone that I love...

Vincent Peyron, Sr.

My dad died today.  I sat here for a few minutes and read that first sentence over and over again.  Not because I needed to be reminded, but because it still doesn't feel real.  It is real though.  It's sad.  It's overwhelming...it is very real.  My mom and dad lived together until I was around 6.  He was abusive to my mom and, even though she decided she wanted a better life, he decided he wanted a better life for us too so he's the one that ended it.  Of course they saw each other off and on.  And I can definately say that they never stopped loving each other.  But a life of our family all being together wasn't part of God's plan for us.  In a way I am very thankful...in another way I always wonder what I missed.  I've had a good life...even without him in it as much as I would have liked.  These past two years though we had become more close.  We would have lunch together, talk about the past, talk about the future.  Talk about things we loved about this world and things that we would love to change.  We had a good relationship in the end...and I am thankful for that.  He had a problem with alcohol.  He was an alcoholic.  I loved him when he was drunk just as much as I did when he was sober...I didn't want to be around him for as long of a period of time...but I still loved him.  He was (...was...) very wise.  Gave excellent advice!  He made a difference in my life and the way I saw some things these past couple of years.  He made so much sense when he talked and he had so much life experiences (good and bad) to back all of the talk up.  He was handsome.  Once I heard someone say he looked like a man that would be on a soap opera.  He was a great singer (that's where I got it from) and he played one hell of a guitar (...I'm going to Kansas City, Kansas City here I come...).  Past tense words...was...played...talked...gave...ugh I cannot believe this.  I am so sad...as I imagine there are many poeple sad about this loss that we have experienced today, about this great burden that we have to bear...What makes me feel better is that my dad has no more burdens.  He has no more sadness. Doesn't have to fight alcoholism anymore.  He is at peace...which is really what we all strive for in this world I think. I will miss him forever and I will always long for more moments with him...because even though we had alot of good times together...it will never ever be enough.  I tried to eat today...vomitted it up...my stomach is in knots my mind is in a fog.  Time is not a luxury that we are fortunate to have.  Every day is a gift.  If I keep saying I'll start that tomorrow...one of these days (God willing another 40 years from now) I will not be able to because my life here on earth will be over.  I didn't want to learn this lesson this way...but...it is what it is.  I love you dad. Rest in peace with my Aunt Stella (who my mom is convinced met you in heaven) and keep me in your heart...because everywhere I am...you will be there in mine.

Drumroll Please.......

244.  That's what I weigh today.  244.  The last time I weighed myself I was 246.  That was at the end of December.  Now I know two pounds isn't much...but it feels like a victory to me!  I read this thing that someone posted on facebook once (....sigh...facebook...) and it said that even if you lose 1/2 a pound a week for one year, at the end of the year you will be 26 pounds lighter!!!  Now that's a different way of looking at it right???  When I read it I said out loud "I never thought about it that way".  Would I like it to be more??? Abso-freakin-lutely...but I'll take 2 pounds...because it's 2 pounds in the right direction.  It took me a long time to put this weight on...so I don't expect it to go away over night...but these two pounds has given me an extra motivational push...and that feels pretty good.  My day didn't start out with my being so motivated.  I got in my car this morning determined to eat breakfast at McDonald's (distractions, distractions)...so I drove there (in the opposite direction of the way I should go to work) and they were working on the parking lot of the shopping center...so my usual entryway into the drive-thru was blocked off.  I drive out of the parking lot, around the corner to the opposite entry to the shopping center...AND IT WAS BLOCKED OFF!!! I knew there had to be a way to get in because there were several cars in the drive thru...by now about 10 minutes had passed by and I was going to be way late to work. I made an illegal U-turn and completely passed the only entry in to the McDonald's drive-thru!!!  My options were to turn around again (ridiculous by now) or drive away.  I took that as a sign for God that I should not eat breakfast there (so I went back for dinner...JUST KIDDING!!!HAHA!!!) but seriously, as much as I wanted it...I drove away...at first I felt bummed...but after a few minutes I felt victorious!  I drove to work (about 20 minutes up the mountains) in a great mood, singing along to the music on the radio.  When I got to work I fixed myself a nice cup of strawberries and cream oatmeal (oatmeal has become one of my favorite things to eat...omg...never thought I would be saying that!!!)...and it satisfied me just fine...without the terrible "I'm such a hefer and I wish I wouldn't have eaten that" feeling.  For lunch I had a small bowl of soap that a co-worker made.  I snacked on cherry mist yogurt (which made me gag a little bit because it was sour...but I finished it) and around 3:00 I ate a little bit more of the soup.  For dinner I had chicken, macaroni salad and a LARGE piece of french bread...not as good as I could've done...but better than fast food (I think...at least it felt better)...and the best part?? Making fresh squeezed lemonade with my baby girl for the very first time...it makes me sad that she's 8 and we had never made fresh squeezed lemonade before...but I'm happy that we did it today...better late than never!  And I must say that it was the sweetest, most awesome lemonade I had ever had...thinking that's because my babygirl makes everything sweet (insert collective "AWWW" here) and because we had a pretty good conversation while we were doing it...(because when your 8 squeezing lemons just the right way is a big deal).  I also have not had a soda today (as my mouth waters just thinking about a Dr. Pepper) but I did sneak in a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (geez...like you would've turned it down) so that gave me a little bit of chocolate which hopefully will ward off the caffeiene headache that is absolutely going to haunt me soon (caffeine is a hell of a drug!!!)  I feel good...I feel motivated...I feel sleepy right now so I'm gonna say goodnight!!!

P.S.
I am being motivated and uplifted by the song "Move" by MercyMe...and today when I abandoned my quest at McDonald's that was the song that was playing on the radio...and I smiled and turned it up LOUD!!!  So I encourage you to google it (or youtube it, or whatever else you can do these days to find it) and give it a listen...it will give you a deeper peek into how i am feeling today...but I must warn you...you will want to dance...and there isn't a damn thing wrong with that!!! :o)

Distractions!!!

This past Sunday at church, my pastor talked about distractions.  Of course he was speaking of things that distract us from God, but many of the things he mentioned could be distracting from other things in my life too.  He said that even things we love and enjoy could end up being a distraction to us....I didn't really get it at first...but then I understood.  For instance...I love and enjoy facebook.  I mean I really do!!! I don't post anything inappropriate...mostly song lyrics, inspiring quotes, and random thoughts.  I enjoy the fact that I have connected with people I haven't seen since 6th grade.  I enjoy reminiscing with people I knew, encouraging people I know, and connecting with people far away.  The problem is that when Pastor Mike said he asked God to reveal to him the things that were distracting him....I knew exactly what the number one answer for myself would be...FACEBOOK.  How sad and pathetic is that!!!  I am a Songpop ninja and I just started getting into Family Feud...only thing is I never really realized how much time all of that could take.  So...on an emotional whim (because I had just had a nasty fight with my husband) I mustered up the courage to deactivate my facebook account...with no warning to anyone...well I did let one person know...and I walked away.  It has only been 2 days...and I miss it!!!  I do plan to reopen it eventually...my goal is to stay away for a month...and I seriously can't hardly wait!!!  I have realized though that I have spent alot more time these last two days doing much more productive things...My eyes don't feel as tired...I have gotten more sleep (oh my gosh is "gotten" a word????well I guess it is now!!!) and I feel much more rested.  I had no idea all the time I was spending on my home computer was effecting (Affecting??? You know what I mean!!!) my life!  It's funny how I have sat around in the evenings feeling like "what should I be doing right now?"...and it is at the time I would be on facebook.  So it was loud and clear to me, what was distracting me from my home...more time with my family...and it made me realize that my road to weight loss is also full of distractions too.  On every street corner I see a set of golden arches...don't even have to say the name of what I am referring to...we all know what the golden arches are...and it ain't my booty in a yellow polka dot bikini!!!  I live on the east side of town and the big shopping center is way on the west side...so...if I take a main street to go shopping I pass (in this order) a Mexican food place, chinese food place, Pizza Hut, Wendy's, Domino's Pizza, Italian resteraunt, Thai food, BBQ place, chili dog stand, Perko's cafe, Burger King, (anyone hungry yet???) Jack in the box, Taco Bell, Rally's, and a few more places on the other side of the street!!! Let's see that's...1....2...3..14...14 places that I listed the names of...and many more I didn't list...Talk about distractions!!!  Why wouldn't I stop at one of those places if I'm hungry and have the money...I do stop at those places if I'm hungry and have the money...I want to go to one of those places now because I'm hungry and have the money!!!  But my road...my weight loss road has to just go in the other direction...make my own path...find my own way.  Ever notice how really bad it smells when your driving by a fast food place??? Okay me neither...to be honest it smells like home to me...but if you really think about it it just smells like grease!!! And grease is the word...for obesity, high blood pressure, lack of energy...basically all the words I could use to describe my overall health...My cardiologist had me to do a stress test today (even though I'm pretty sure the last 10 years of my life have been a stress test!!!) When I was done he told me there was "nothing" wrong with my heart...my problem is I need to "lose weight and lose anxiety"...yes Dr. Behl but how do I do that???  Answer??? I just do it!  I muster up the courage (in some other way that does not invlove fighting with my husband) and I just do it...As the theme to "Rocky" starts to resonate in my ears I feel a new sense of something brewing up inside of me...and although I do not know what it is...I can feel that it's good...could this be it for me seriously or has closing my facebook made me insane??? Well more insane (insanity is not always bad and is sometimes necessary)...Is the buzzing in my head my dryer telling me the clothes are done or does it have anything to do with the fact that I didn't have nearly enough caffeine today??? And if I didn't have enough caffeine am I going to go down to the convenience store and get myself a nice cold Dr.Pepper??? Will the hero (heroin???) of this story be me???  Tune in tomorrow (or a couple of days from now) because the buzzing was my dryer...and I've got clothes to fold!!!

Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do(nuts)

I love to sing!  I seriously, seriously love to sing!  I had my first duet when I was in 8th grade.  Me and my friend Stephanie sang "Dear Santa Have You Had the Measles?"  for a Christmas choir concert.  It was the first time I heard my voice through a microphone.  There were no harmonies or special runs or anything like that in the song...but it felt soooooooo good!!!  When I was a freshman in high school (many, many, many moons ago) I had my first solo.  It was a song that was not in English...it was for a choir competition...and I did well I think.  That was when I had a breathy soft higher voice.  Of course my choir career came to an end when high school did and I left it alone for a long time.  Fast forward a few years and my husband meets this guy at work who tells him of a little thing called "karaoke" and invites us to a bar where he and his wife will be in a contest.  I was hooked!!!  An opportunity to be a rock star every thursday night starting at 10:00?!?!?!  I'll take it!!! Now I know there are some of you that think karaoke is lame...I definately disagree with that!!!  If you're not doing it for anything else but fun...then it really is...well...FUN!!!  When we first started frequenting this lounge ("bar" sounds so dirty!!!) I would have to get a few drops of liquid courage (in the form of a 7/7...or two...but never more than two...except for that one time...) in order to get up on the stage.  I hadn't sang (...sung???) in front of a crowd in years and I was very nervous...drunk people can be really mean!  But I slowly got used to it...slowly stopped drinking...and really started enjoying just singing.  What I noticed though was that my voice had really changed. The soft soprano girl in me had been eaten alive by this sultry, low pitched, (can I say sexified???), woman...and I loved it.  So I started practicing at home.  To songs from Toni Braxton, Anita Baker, and Gladys Knight.  (Pause for some free advice:  Don't ever do a Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston, or Celine DIon song...especially for a contest...no matter how good it is...it will never be as good as the original).  And those singers became my go to songs for different performances that I did.  Lately I have been singing only in church.  So when I saw that auditions were coming up for the annual City of Hope Spectacular (a local variety show) this year I decided to do it.  (My New Year's resolution is to do all of the things that I have ever said "I've always wanted to do that" too) and to be honest I have been wanting to try out for this show since high school!  So there I went.  I chose "Misty Blue" (in the style of Dorothy Moore) because it is one of my favorite songs and I think I do it well.  I also really appreciate the emotion in the song and I feel like I can feel it when I sing it.  The sound system wasn't great.  There were no monitors for me to hear myself, but all in all I feel like I did a good job.  I am my worst critic so I will always find something wrong with any performance...but alot of people in the audience seemed to really enjoy it...and I had a really good time!  The critique from the director of the show was that my outfit didn't go with the song...what did I wear???? Black slacks and a white and black chiffon shirt....what did he want me to wear??? A cocktail dress!!!  Well it was my fault really.  On my audition application I said I would be wearing a cocktail dress...but seeing as how it's not easy for a fatty to find a suitable cocktail dress...I opted for the safe black pants.  If I make it to the show then I will be required to get a cocktail dress.  I think that's going to cause me to create a whole seperate blog!!!  We'll see how it goes.  If I don't make it it'll be okay too.  I auditioned for The Voice a couple of seasons back, obviously didn't make that cut but I wasn't crushed.  The other 9 people in the audition room were seriously 9 of the most talented singers I have ever heard!!! None of us made it!!! I know that they have to choose what makes for good t.v....and if you happen to have talent well that's just a bonus!!!  I don't have a backstory...I could say I'm a compulsive over eater, addicted to Dr. Pepper, and struggling to get it together...but I'm already putting that out for the world to see!!!  If I make it I'll let you know...thinking I'll even post a video here or on my facebook page if I can get my friend Joada to help with that.  We'll see how it goes!  Now I'm on the hunt for a cocktail dress.  Of course the first thing I thought was "how many pounds can I lose before the show" maybe this can be a good short term goal opportunity for me...of course if I get turned down I'm going to want to stuff my face with powdered donuts!!! Bleh!!!

Stress+No Sleep+Dr. Pepper=This Post

I remember the first time I was truly touched by cancer.  It was the early 2000's.  I worked for Holvik Famliy Health Center in Visalia, CA and the doctor/owner was active in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life event.  I was in my mid 20's and had never heard of the event before.  Dr. Holvik seemed very passionate about it, and, his passion made me excited about it too.  I was there early.  Setting up our office's information table ("Fun in the Sun but Not Overdone", the dangers of skin cancer) and I heard an announcement that the survivor's lap was about to begin.  So there I stood. Surrounding the track with hundreds of other people, cheering on the men and women that passed by wearing survivor t-shirts.  Feeling overwhelmed by the smiles on their faces, the sparkle in there eyes.  Then I saw her.  The most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.  Being pulled around the track in a red wagon.  Wearing a survivor t-shirt, waving and laughing at all the people around her.  I laughed and I cried (shoot, I'm crying right now) because I was happy she was wearing a survivors t-shirt...but sad she was wearing a survivors t-shirt.  I would have preferred her to be standing strong and healthy cheering on the parade of survivors.  The following year, at the annual Relay for Life event, I was walking around looking at all of the information booths that were set up.  People also place pictures of loved ones, memorials, of people who have lost the battle with cancer.  So I saw a picture, of a little girl wearing a beautiful white dress, and it said Rest in Peace.  There was a collage of pictures of this little angel, and included in that collage was a picture of a little girl, riding in a red wagon, wearing a survivor t-shirt from the year before.  This was the little girl I had seen in the last years survivor lap, and she had died.
My aunt Janie had cancer.  I was young, and I don't remember much about it.  My family, at that time, was very much a "don't say that in front of the children" kind of family.  I know we used to travel to a hospital about 30 miles from where we lived.  We would go there every night.  I always stayed in the lobby and I remember going to the gift shop every night and buying peppermint candies.  I remember hearing the Peabpo Bryson song "If Ever Your in my Arms Again" every night on the radio on the way home.  I don't remember the struggle, or the fear, or anything that actually had to do with the illness.
My cousin Norma had cancer.  Just a couple of years ago.  She fought it.  She beat it.  She is seriously one of the strongest, bravest women I have and will ever know.  I don't really know the struggles she went through in between the good days, but I know she spoke more of the good days.  I was/am old enough now to know how scary it is.  How dangerous.  Old enough to have my mind go "what if it was me?"
  So why all of this cancer talk...well...my mom had to have a breast biopsy done last week.  Results came in yesterday.  It showed "no definitive evidence of malignancy" which to me is pathologist talk for "well...maybe, maybe not"  She goes back to the surgoen next week and she is going to request an excisional biopsy just to be on the safe side.  I am happy that they did not find cancer but the past few days have been a nightmare!  My anxious mind did a number on me!  Of course all I could think about was the worst possible scenario.  I cried alot.  I prayed alot.  I cried some more.  I was crappy with my family.  Pissed alot of people off.  And I freakin' stuffed my face with as much of the worst food possible that I could get my hands on!!!  I have been drinking about 5 or 6 sodas a day!!! Haven't slept.  I don't smoke, but I swear a cigarette came to mind a time or two...and I wonder...is this me?  Like is this really who I am?  Am I a person who tries to feel better by eating so much junk that I can literally feel it taking my life away?  I am beyond healthy eating habits and excercise.  All of this is more of a mental challenge for me than a physical one.  I do not want to turn to food everytime my life is not perfect, because that is going to be most of the time!!!  So back to the psychologist I go...unashamedly.  Seriously people...if you have ever felt like you need a psychologist...you probably do.  Don't be ashamed or afraid.  I have found that if you open yourself up to it, it really can help.  And pray.  Pray for what you want your life to be.  I pray for things for other people, and I mean those prayers with all my heart.  I have seen great things happen over the years.  Things that I whole heartedly prayed for.  When it comes to praying for myself I don't feel as strong.  I think it's because I don't feel like I deserve it (whatever "it" is) and I have to change that.  I know that God feels like I deserve it...and I'm not gonna argue with Him!!!
  In two weeks I will weigh myself for the first time in a month.  I have exercised sporadically.  Good food choices have been pushed to the back of my mind (as I slowly take another sip of my tall can Dr. Pepper) and I feel like I have pretty much blown this attempt to bits!!! But...as my babygirl walks in the room with her guitar on her back...I realize there are some things that I am really, really good at...and I am not going to bring myself down.  Now if you'll excuse me I have some really horrible guitar chords to listen to...(she's only had 2 lessons so far!!!)....

P.S.
As I am typing my thoughts I realize that the "f" key on my keyboard is not working properly...so unfortunately I will not be able to go on any crazy rants involving the F-word.  Well that's not unortunate (see!!!)  I've been meaning to clean up my potty mouth too!!!

Cheetos and Fritos and Cake...Oh My!

Three words...I BLEW IT!  No excuses.  No rationalizations.  The food was there and I ate it.  I went to Vallarta (a huge Mexican chain grocery store) at 7:00 in the morning to pick up some chips.  That is what I was signed up for on the potluck list.  My plan was to go in, get the chips, and get out.  No pit stops, no injuries to my psyche or my ego or my waistline.  Well Vallarta used to be one of my most favorite spots to have breakfast at (secretly).  I would get 3 carnitas tacos, a side of the greasiest chips in the world, and a small Dr. Pepper.  When I walked in to the store it was like seeing an old boyfriend that I still had the hots for.  The sights, the smells, the sounds...took me straight to the counter to order my breakfast.  I stood there a minute...and then a guy came up to me and said that the girl working that counter would be back in a few minutes.  I took that as a sign from God to run baby run.  So I did.  I walked away from the counter and went directly to the potato chip aisle.  I found the Fritos right away.  The Cheetos I had to take a few minutes to search for...but I eventually did find the ONE BAG they had in that whole store.  I went to the check out...there was no waiting in aisle 7... and I was set to go...and as much as I wanted to go to the right and walk out of the door...it was like my alignment was off or something because I kept veering (spell check please) to the left.  I went ahead and ordered...mmm...not quite my usual.  I ordered 2 carnitas tacos, a small Dr. Pepper with extra ice, and no chips.  When I got in my car I could hear my trainer's voice telling me to make smart choices...I could remember how I felt the last time I  stuffed myself with bad food (otherwise known as the day before yesterday) and I felt convicted...okay not really convicted but I felt kinda guilty.  Nevertheless I ate the tacos...but on a positive note I only took 2 sips of the soda and threw it out.  Wasted money but it felt kinda good in a way.  You see Dr. Pepper is my BFF and to just dump her like that was really hard, but I did it.  I got to work and saw all of the good food that people brought and I knew I was toast (another food reference!!!)  My strategy for lunch hour was to walk for 30 minutes before I ate, because I figured that by the time I came back from my walk most of the good stuff would be gone...instead I ate right away, with everyone else.  I had a hot dog and doritos with nacho cheese and chili on both.  I only drank water...which was actually pretty easy because the only sodas were sprite and diet coke...of which I am not a fan...when the birthday cake came out...can you say chocolate...I resisted.  When the chocolate chip cookies came out my knees buckeled and I caved.  I even had a scoop of vanilla ice cream to go with my cookies.  I had 2 cookies at lunch...and then another about 2:30.  For dinner I had one pork chop, one egg, and one piece of toast (yes I said dinner not breakfast) and . . . . . . I had a "tall can" of Dr. Pepper.  I'm not going to make light of all of this...because it's not a joke...and it's not okay.  This is my life I'm dealing with here and I need to start taking it more seriously.  I have decided today that I will not participate in the pot lucks at work, because I have no will power.  I was having an especially emotional day today so that didn't help me much either.  Someone hurt my feelings, which is why the chocolate chip cookies felt so right.  Old, bad habits really do die hard...but if these habits don't die then I am going to...I mean...I know we're all gonna die some day...but I don't want to help myself into my grave!  God willing I will have tomorrow to start again...I did go for a 25 minute walk today after lunch...and that was a very good thing.  I also discovered that Yoplait Whipped Yogurt in Vanilla flavor almost tastes like buttercream frosting...can I get a big "Hell Yeah!!!"

No Offense Tina Turner but Love has EVERYTHING to Do With It!!

I am eternally grateful for the fact that no one can see me right now.  I'm sitting here in fornt of the computer with headphones on.  What am I listening to you ask??? (Just pretend like you asked!) Absolutely nothing.  I have the headphones on because they were the closest thing within reach that can keep my ears warm, and, my husband has the television on sooooo loud I need something to block out the noise.  Today I thought alot about love.  Love.  A small word that can mean so much to one person and absolutely nothing to another.  One thing I have learned in my 38 years of life is that if someone doesn't love you, they don't love you.  It doesn't mean they are never gonna love you, but you cannot do anything to make someone love you.  Why the heck would you want to make someone love you anyway???  In my life I have loved hard and lost even harder.  I have had people love me that I just couldn't go there with.  I have seen and felt and lived both sides.  So when I say I 'love" food, is that what it is really??? I think not.  I think I have myself convinced that food can heal all things.  I know this by the way I shove french fries in my mouth when I'm pissed.  I know this by the way I crave chocolate chip cookies (or just the dough, because most time it doesn't make it to the oven) when my feelings are hurt.  Love is supposed to make you feel good.  Love should make you want to be more (of whatever you need to be more of)..."Love, should have brought your ass home last night!" (Sorry, sorry...my thoughts ramble on, then I start thinking of music, then I start thinking of movies, and this line is from the movie Boomerang...anyway my thoughts ran away and my fingers followed )....BUT...back to the subject at hand...after I stuff my face with the wrong kinds of foods I feel bad about myself...so I need to stop saying I love food...because based on my own description...I definately don't!  Today was a pretty good food day all in all.  I had a bowl of chocolate cheerios for breakfast,  then an apple, for lunch I had a tuna packet with 3 whole wheat crackers and some pineapple.  I snacked on a chocolate chip granola bar.  I went to my moms for a surprise dinner and when I walked in I was overwhelmed by the smells of (cue suspenseful music)...tamales!!! Yes it's true...these Mexican's eat tamales even when it's not Christmas!!!  I had four (on my plate) then had one more that I took off of my daughter's plate when she wouldn't stay seated on the table (couldn't waste them) and even though my mom kept insisting that I have more (because she loves me) I was able to get up and walk away...literally...I left my mom's house...because I knew that if I sat there and talked I was going to start picking at the tamales until I finished a couple of more.  My soda count today is ZERO!!! I have not had one soda today, which is why my hed is pounding right now.  Caffiene withdrawals suck!!!  As I was starting to get comfortable on the computer my husband came up behind me with a large cup of hot chocolate that included an even LARGER pile of whipped cream on top.  I drank about half and I feeel like the chocolate has helped my headache a little so that's good news.  The most successful part of my day??? Getting through a lunch time work out with my personal trainer.  DOn't get me wrong...it was not easy and I felt like I was going to fall out!!!  But I pushed through it and I finished strong!  My quads are burning from the squats...and I am not looking forward to how they are going to feel tomorrow, but it's a good burn (better than heartburn, corny joke hour at my house)  He also had me do this ting where I pick the medicine ball up over my head and throw it to the ground as hard as I could...now that felt way better emotionally than it did physically...in fact I really didn't even get the point of that until later when I tried to take my scrub top off (get your minds out of the gutter) and couldn't get it past my shoulders because they were burning too!!!  So YAY FOR ME!!! I would call today a success in the food/exercise department.  Tomorrow we're having a potluck at work...frito boats and chili dogs...cake and ice cream...(gulp) Dr. Pepper...pray for me please!!!

Today in the Life of Me!!!

I was supposed to have an appointment with my cardiologist today.  A stress test and echocardiogram so that he can see why my EKG is so abnormal.  I arrived 10 minutes early (I don't know why considering the wait is 2 hours no matter when I show up) and was told that my appointment is next Wednesday.  So seeing as how I had to refrain from caffeine all morning to be prepared for my test, the first thing I did when I left the cardiologist's office was head straight to Superburger!!!  Not that I wanted to have a tall Pepsi on ice, with it's beads of water slowly streaming down the sides of the cup, and the straw tickling my tongue ever so gently.....wait....sorry I blacked out there for a minute...anyway I went to superburger for the ice.  This may sound crazy to some of you but they really do have good ice there.  I usually order a soda, let it sit for awhile, then pour out the majority of the soda ( I don't have the heart to waste all of it, I don't want to hurt it's feelings) and chew on the ice.  And okay I will admit it...(covering my mouth in shame and whispering)...I got fries too...but geez you can't go to Superburger and not get fries!!!  So on that note, it is safe to say, today was a food bust.  For breakfast I was invited to my mother's house, and they don't eat no grapefruit and oatmeal there okay!!!  We had-are you ready-seriously are you ready-Bacon, Eggs, Potatoes (is that how you spell it??) and fresh flour tortillas which I lathered in butter and ate whole while waiting for the rest of my breakfast to be ready.  I did not have a soda though...fine I had a 7up...but 7up is what they give you in the hospital so it can't be all that bad!!!  For lunch I had the aformentioned (is that a word?) fries...for dinner...a tuna sandwich, doritos, and a coke.  (Soda gods be damned!!!)  I am encouraged by the fact that I return to work tomorrow after a couple of weeks of vacation.  I do believe that my idle days have lead to the bad food choices that I have made, and that it is much easier to stick to a diet when there isn't so much time on mine hands.  I have enjoyed my time off, even though I am waaayyyy more exhausted than I have ever been at work.  I was able to sleep on Colorado Blvd for New Years Eve and throw marshmallows (yum) and silly string at the cars passing by.  I was able to watch the rose parade in person on New Years Day with the people I love most in this world.  I spent my 14th wedding anniversary screaming my head off, and though that may sound like a typical day in my life I was actually screaming on the roller coasters this time, so that's good news.  I got to take my babygirl to several of her dance classes (Yes she has SEVERAL dance classes) and I enjoyed seeing the things I have missed as a working mom.  Being with Sundari (my daughter) all of these days in a row has taught me some very important things...#1  That girl gets on my nerves!!!  #2 I wouldn't have it any other way!!!  When I had her I almost died...and it would have been worth it to me...but I'm glad I didn't because every moment I have with her is such a precious, precious gift.  On this, the eve of my final day of vacation, I reflect fondly on all the little things I experienced, and I reflect disgustingly on all of the food I ate...but seriously...who the hell starts a diet during the holidays anyway!!!  To my friends at Tule River Indian Health Center (my job)...hasta manana!!!  No really...I go back tomorrow!!! And to the zero people following this blog across the globe...meet me tomorrow...same place...around the same time...we'll do it again!!!

Back Again!!!

Bless me internet for I have sinned.  It has been 10 months since my last blog post and boy have I blown it!!!  I took some time to review my blog posts past, and, although I did find them very entertaining, I also noticed something that I didn't like at all.  ALOT OF EXCUSES!!!  Alot of "oh I didn't do well today but maybe tomorrow."  That isn't acceptable...it's actually pretty embarrasing!!!  I am not here to make any promises to myself or to anyone else.  I am here because I like blogging.  I could keep a papaer diary and keep my thoughts to myself...but what's the fun in that???  I am not ashamed of the person I am...I do have many things that I have done that I am ashamed of...maybe one day I'll get into those, maybe not...but I don't have anything to hide.  My weight has gone up.  My health has declined.  I blame me, myself, and I and it is up to me, myself, and I to get my crap together!!!  On my FB I posted that I am in serious need of a make over...and that is truly how I feel.  I don't need Stacy and Clinton to tell me what not to wear and I don't need Jillian Michaels to make me the biggest loser (cause I feel like a big loser most of the time anyway!!!)  I need to get stuff off my chest.  I need to believe in myself more.  I need to stop talking about it and start being about it.  I feel mad right now...hmmm...