(Sigh......).....so many thoughts going through my head. My mouth hasn't had the ability to say everything in my heart...my fingers haven't either...which is why it's been awhile since my last post. I missed blogging though. Missed getting it all out for the whole world to see. Missed the sweet feeling of release as I hit the "publish" button. Not because I want people to see it. Or because I need anyone's approval. Or because I am trying to be some internet blogging sensation...but because...as much as my thoughts are "mine" I truly believe that there is someone reading this who has/believes/feels/needs the same things I do...and I take comfort in that just as I hope it gives comfort to you. I am dealing with my dad's death in the best way I know how...I am praying alot and I am crying alot. I do not have any regrets...and that feels good. Don't get it twisted...there are so many things about mine and my dad's history that I could regret...but what good does that do now? I don't know how much longer my life will go on...but God does...and I know that He didn't bring me this far for me to blow it by being full of "if only's" and "I wish I would've or didnt"s" He brought me here...to this place I am now...to reflect and be grateful. For my dad, for everyone I love, everyone in my life. These past few weeks have been a blur and I think that's pretty terrible. No one's life should be a blur. A blur is a smear...a smudge of something that was once clear. It's something that makes what was there before hardly noticeable. And I don't want that. Of course when I think about the last few weeks all I feel is sadness...but to me that's okay...because something or someone can't make you sad unless it meant a whole lot to you...and from the amount of sadness I feel and have felt I can tell (with a grateful heart) that there was and will always be so much love there. I am thankful for the people that were there for me...and I am dissapoinited in some of the people that weren't. I hold no grudges though. If any of them needed me I would still be there. Because I don't need them to love me in order for me to show them love. My love of them is for my benefit, for my peace. I can't even begin to start to tell you all of the crap I have eaten these past few weeks. If there was food within arms distance I have put it in my mouth. Even when my stomach was begging me for mercy my emotions were insatiable (fancy word, learned it in high school, knew I would use it in a sentence some day!!!...I just hope that I spelled it right!!!) And I know without a shadow of a doubt that my relationship with food is toxic. I am killing myself. I also realized (during this time) that no matter how long I live, it's going to kill my daughter when I die. Except that...I think it will kill her more if she is not an adult, out on her own, with her own family...and the thought of that scares the crap out of me....does it scare me enough???? Enough to stop??? Enough to change??? I still don't know...and that makes me sad. I learned that my husband is the best man in the world for me and I am so very lucky to have him in my life. I mean...I knew this all along...well I tend to forget it sometimes to be honest...but he has been such a strong support for me during all of this...more than I could ask for...more than I even knew I would need. (I learned from one of my aunties that my dad used to refer to him as a "Nubian Prince"...which I think is hilarious!!!) As much as I would like to go on with this post...I really need peace and quiet to concentrate on it...and my neighbors gangster rap is distracting me (yes...I love TUPAC!!!)...but I have time for more...and I am glad that my fingers flowed so smoothly through this. So I'm back....hope that makes you happy because it makes me happy!!!
P.S. I sang in the show...the City of Hope Spectacular in my home town. I thought it was fun. My performance was alright. Here is a link if you are interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBz6hfUx1Rs I wouldn't do it again but I am glad that I did something I had always wanted to do...the next thing on my list is a little more painful than a singing gig...which leaves the question...does anyone know where I can get my nose pierced??? :)
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