The Morning After

I actually slept well last night.  Went to bed around midnight.  Only woke up once around 2:00 in the morning.  I lay there for a few minutes and thought about getting up and getting on the computer.  I stopped myself though, and just decided to stay in bed.  Glad I did because the next time my eyes opened it was 6:30 and I felt pretty rested.  The first thing that came to my mind was the same thing as the last thing that was on my mind before I went to sleep.  My dad.  When I looked at the clock yesterday and saw that it was 11:45 (p.m.) in my mind I thought...45 more minutes and this awful day will be over...but, thank God, I woke up this morning and the awful started all over again.  I listened to music and cried last night.  Posted a video on my facebook (which I have reopened and I will admit that I feel comfort in reopening it) of Maraiah Carey's "Never Too Far"...because that is the song that had been in my head all day after I was told that my dad died.  I wish that this would have never happened, but I know that none of us is getting out of this world alive.  I heard his voice in my head yesterday over and over again...I made myself think of little things he would say...because I don't want to ever forget.  I have so much support...especially from my friends at Tule...and that feels so good.  And even though it's only 10:15 in the morning, I realize that my life (though it will never be the same) will and does go on.  Like Reba says "I guess the world ain't gonna stop for my broken heart..." and it's true.  I still got up and got my daughter ready for school.  Did all of the usual things I do in the morning.  The only difference was that instead of singing in the shower I had a good cry...but when I look around me it really is all the same...and someone, somewhere in the world, on any given day, is having to do the same thing I am having to do today...face it.  I have a good friend at work who lost her dad not too long ago.  I look at her face, the tears she is shedding for me, and for herself too, and I know that she knows.  And I think about how she is able to laugh now...to function "normally", to be able to do the things she needs to do without breaking down...and she is the epitome of my "light at the end of the tunnel", my living breathing proof that it will absolutely get better, not necessarily easy, but better.  And I hold steady to God's promise to me..that though I may have sorrow now...joy will come in the morning...I don't know when my "morning" will be...but I look forward to it, and I find comfort and peace in that promise.  Going today at noon to make funeral arrangements.  Trying to figure out where I fit in in this whole thing.  I found out today that my dad's favorite color was (...was...) light purple...I never knew that about him before...guess we never talked about our favorite color...but you can be sure that from now on it will be something I know about everyone that I love...