Not a Good Night...

Tonight is a bad night.  8:36 p.m. is just not a good hour for me.  I am so sad I can't even describe it.  I know that some of you may know this sadness, may have experienced it before.  I was doing okay...until I started driving home from my daughter's baton class.  Started thinking about my dad walking down the street the night he died.  Thinking about how cold it was outside.  Wondering what was the last thing he was thinking about.  I started crying and I just can't stop.  My head is killing me.  My heart is aching.  I don't know what to do.  We planned his funeral today.  I sat there with family I hardly knew...but we were united in our grief.  I wish it were a birthday party or some happy occassion.  I wish we could be talking about something else other than funerals.  I wish my dad was alive.  I found myself looking for him today.  As I was sitting in my car this afternoon I looked up and down the streets...waiting to see if he would walk by.  I prayed to see him there...alive...walking...talking.  I thought to myself...is it possible that all of this was a mistake?  Is he alive somewhere and we just don't know it?  But reality is harsh and unavoidable.  And he wasn't there.  And he wasn't going to be there anymore.  Not physically anyway.  I chose to not look at my dad's body today.  I knew that I couldn't handle it.  Not today.  Will I regret that?  I don't know.  Time will tell how I feel about that later...but then it will be too late.  I wanted to look at his arm.  He had a tattoo of him and my mom's names in a heart...and everytime I saw him my eyes were drawn to that tattoo.  My mom referred to him as her "forever love" today...and I was happy because I know with all my heart that he knew that...and I was sad because I knew with all my heart that she meant it.  I heard my dad described as a "gentle giant" today.  He was (ugh...there's that word again...was...) a pretty big guy...with an even bigger heart.  I'm blessed to have been able to know that about him.  I don't know how long my tears will fall...right now it feels like it's going to go on forever...but I don't mind because I don't think tears are a bad thing...I know that's what I need.  My mom keeps trying to stuff my face with food...but everything I eat tastes like diet soda to me...and I really don't like the taste of diet soda!  My heart arrythmias are pretty bad too...stress does that to me I guess...but sometimes that is the only thing that snaps me back to reality when I am in a daze...and sometimes that pisses me off...because my reality sucks right now...the funeral will be at the end of this week...one day at a time doesn't seem so hard...but the nights last forever!!!