Don't Go There

I was driving to work today and just ahead of me I noticed a dog trying to get across the freeway. Out loud in my car I said "oh no puppy...you're gonna get hurt"...I slowed down hoping to give the dog enough time to get across and hoping that I wasn't putting myself or any other drivers in danger because of my decrease in speed.  I watched as the dog ran across the freeway...and...to my relief...make it to the other side.  The dog wasn't even safe for a few seconds when he turned around and ran right back onto the road and was hit.  From what I saw he didn't get up and run away...so I have to assume he is now in doggie heaven.  I still had about a 20 minute drive up to my job.  I was thinking about the dog...about how he had already made it...he was already safe...and he turned around and got crushed...and I couldn't help but consider how many times I have done that.  How many times have I made it to safety and turned around and went back?  If it has been more than one time, should it be?  Should it take more than one time of running through traffic for me to know it's not good for me?  When is the last time going to be the last time...when I get crushed?  When I can't get up and run away anymore?  I am not referring to any one particular thing here.  Rather I am referring to the many bad decisions I have made over the 41 years I have been on this earth.  Don't get me wrong...I have taken every bad experience and have tried and succeeded in finding a lesson in all of them.  Some lessons I understand right away...others I don't...but each experience has a lesson just the same.  My goal this year is to know when I have made it to safety...and to be so sure about it...so comfortable in it...and so satisfied with it that there is no way in hell that I will turn around and run back.  There is nothing there for me...and there is nothing there for you...so let's promise each other that when we get to safety...we will just stay still.

She Used to Be Mine...

"She Used To Be Mine" (Sara Bareilles)

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and it's patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless just enough
Who'll get hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but it used to be mine

Used to be mine
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

I heard this sing on the radio today, and I felt it, because I have lived it, because maybe, deep down inside...and maybe not so deep inside...I'm still living it now...

In 3, 2, 1...

If love is supposed to feel good then why do we call it 'falling'? I think 'flying' should be more appropriate. I mean if it is what it is supposed to be. But then again who is the author of what it is supposed to be?  William Shakespeare? (The course of true love never did run smooth...)  Dr. Seuss? (You know you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams...) The Bible? (Love is patient...love is kind)  Sylvia and Mickey? (Love is strange...)  And if it is so easy to fall in love...(because it is isn't it)...is it just as easy to fall out of it too?  How do we make it last?  How do you know that the love you feel now will be the love you feel forever?  How do we know that the one we love loves us back?  We don't.  We won't. And we can't.  In my life I have experienced all kinds of love.  The type that makes me feel great about myself and the type that makes me feel like shit.  The kind that makes me want to be a better woman and the kind that makes me question what kind of a woman I am for putting up with so much craziness.  I have given it all to the wrong person and pushed the right person away.  I have longed for a certain type of love from a certain man when there was another man standing right in front of my face offering me everything I longed for...but I never saw it...because that would be too easy...then I wouldn't have been falling at all.  I do know this for sure...if we don't genuinely love ourselves with a crazy, stupid, unconditional love...there is no way in hell that we will ever let anyone else love us that way either.  I read a quote that said "We must be our own before we can be another's." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) and I believe that to be absolute truth.  Love from someone else can never replace what we long to receive from ourselves.  All it will do is cloud your head and make you accept things that would never be acceptable if you were full of self love.  Nothing can take the place of what we truly desire...and we're selling ourselves short if we think we can ever get what's missing from anyone else but ourselves.  Good news is it's never too late to start loving yourself.  It's never too late to start demanding more.  It's never to late to look in the mirror and say today is the day that I choose better for myself...because you want better...because you need better...because you deserve better.  Fall in love with the person you are now...not the person you hope to be someday...because we all know when we love something we cherish it...we take care of it...we nourish it and build it up and do our best to make it last...and why wouldn't we want to do all of those things for ourselves first?!?!?! So tonight I will look to myself to feel enough comfort to sleep...I will concentrate on the things I like about myself to feel peace...and I will fly in love with myself...and I hope you will join me as we get ready for lift off..

Breathe In Breathe Out

I spent thee best day with my girls today...we went to the Pantages theater in Hollywood and saw a stage production of Annie...and as those little girls on the stage started singing I couldn't help but feel envious of them...because it was obvious that they were all doing what they were put on this planet to do...and I was sitting there...40 years young...feeling jealous because I have been holding my breath trying to figure out what I was put on this planet for...and it sucks to feel that way...but eventually I pushed past it and was able to just enjoy the show...which was amazing...next was lunch at Pink's (because when in LA why on earth wouldn't I eat at Pink's)...and yeah it's just a hot dog spot but a friend of mine once sold me on the fact that it wasn't just a hot dog spot...it was thee hot dog spot...and...since I have enjoyed myself there a few times I went ahead and took the Mahomies there for dinner...of course the food was good...but what they really enjoyed was that there was a film crew there shooting some type of reality show...and they were right in the middle of all of the action...of course they were also slapped with the truth that reality shows are not at all reality...as the crew shot the scenes several times...but they still enjoyed the experience and I was very glad that they had that...from there it was on to the Santa Monica Pier...and while that's not anything new for us the drive over there was nothing short of amazing...because when a 14 year old girl with the world on her shoulders starts talking freely about everything you wanted to know you make the drive as long as possible...and it was great...and it was cathartic for her...and it brought me to a place of peace with her that I haven't had in awhile...by the time we got to our destination we were blasting the rap music (even though Chloe is a fan of gangster rap Lecrae is what ended up on our playlist)...we enjoyed the ferris wheel...and the cool sea breeze...we sat in the sand and talked...listened to music...laughed and cried...we enjoyed the sights and sounds of the people around us and the (ahem) familiar scent of marijuana in the air...well...the girls didn't enjoy that...but I admit I kinda did...and on the way home I introduced my niece (because baby girl knocked out) to some of the sweet love songs I used to enjoy back in the day ("Still In Love" by Troop, Force MD's "Tender Love") and I spoke to her of the boys that those songs reminded me of...it was fun to remember those boys...as the woman I am now can handle that conversation...and as I watched Chloe drift off to sleep I couldn't help but pray for her and for baby girl...but most of all I prayed for myself...to be able to understand what they go through...to be able to remember what it was like when I was a girl...the things that were important and the things that broke my heart...and I prayed that I could do right by them now...as the adult that was divinely chosen to show them life...because lately I can't find my own way...so how am I supposed to help them find theirs?  I realized then that helping them find their way isn't my job...my job is to love them unconditionally and do whatever comes along with that...and I'm ready and equipped to do that...I read a quote that says "Don't count how many breaths you take, but moments that take your breath away.."...and I realize that...life itself takes my breath away...the love and the hate...the good and the bad...the victories and the losses...all of it takes my breath away...so as it turns out...I haven't been holding my breath waiting for life...I have been living it...and just trying to catch my breath along the way...so my words of wisdom tonight friends are simple...just breathe...but be aware of every breath...and don't waste a single one...

Happy Anniversary!

I don't think it is coincidence that I decided to check out my blog...and it happens to be almost a year to the day since my last post.  I believe in a higher power...and I believe that higher power brought me here.  So that I can reflect on what was.  To remind myself of goals that I had.  To show me how far I've come...and how far I still have to go.  I didn't realize how much I love to hear the clicking of the keys as my fingers give life to the words in my head.  It feels invigorating and liberating to me.  A deep breath and a "waiting to exhale" moment come over me and I think of how amazing it is that I got to rediscover this today.  I've missed my old friend...my bsp (Blog Spot Page) and I hope she has missed me too...because we are going to be spending a lot of time together.  I read somewhere once that "The pen is mightier than the sword."  The root of the word sword comes from Pronto-Indo-European "swer-" ...which means "to wound, to cut"...and when I think of how many things in my life have wounded and cut me I understand why I started this blog in the first place...but if you put pressure on the wound the bleeding stops...and eventually there is new skin where a hole used to be...and I'm glad that I can find comfort in that new skin.  So comfortable in fact that I do believe I'm going to pull up a chair and stay here with my bsp for awhile....and I'd love some company...so join me if you will...

Mind Your Business

Do you think it's true that if you free your mind the rest will follow?  Is every battle I face really a question of mind over matter?  If I believe it can I really achieve it?  I think so.  I really do think so.  I think so because of the fact that my thoughts, specifically my negative thoughts, consume me.  I figure if the bad stuff can be so powerful, then the good stuff has to be just as overwhelming right?  I am my own worst enemy.  I am my worst critic.  I am my biggest hater.  I'm learning that my weight and food choices are not my biggest demons.  They are the consequence of my biggest demons.  I had a pretty good childhood.  Grew up with a great brother and a group of some of the best cousins anyone could have.  My best memories are the ones I have of my family at my grandparents' house. It didn't have to be a special occasion (although you couldn't beat my grandpa's fresh carnitas at Christmas...man do I miss him) every day was a house filled with kids and fun.  We had each other and that was all we needed (well that and a credit account with the ice cream man...which our parents totally worked out...it was pretty awesome!!!)  Sometimes I wish I could go back there...but we all know that I would need some plutonium and 1.21 gigawatts to do that...and let's face it...with this California weather lately a bolt of lightning isn't very probable... (If you know what I'm referring to by that then you are a blessed soul!!!)  So we get older...and our interests change...and we (well I anyway) experience things that the teenage mind doesn't understand but the adult mind cannot forget.  And as an adult I have allowed those things to cloud my mind, and influence me in ways that leave me wishing for a second (and third and fourth) chance.  The bad thing about that is that I have a lot of regrets...the good thing is...it's not over yet (that rhymed because I am a lyrical genius!!!) Admitting I have a problem with binge eating was a good step...finally figuring out that that problem is deeper than just bad habits and bad choices is liberating!!!  I don't know where this revelation came from...I think it's been within reach the whole time...but I can see it now and I'm not afraid of it anymore.  I no longer need to punish myself for something that someone else did to me.  That is their burden to bear now because I am letting it go.  I encourage you to face it.  Face whatever it is that scares the hell out of you.  Look it straight in the eye and scare the hell out of it right back!  Find a support system.  Someone who you can trust to tell it all too...because if you hold anything back it doesn't work.  For me holding back turned in to years of binge eating and it got me to my heaviest weight of 262 pounds.  I don't know where I am right now...because I don't like the scale...but the last time I checked I was 233 so that is progress for sure.  I plan to weigh myself in a couple of months...to see how I did in my 40 pounds by my 40th birthday goal.  I know I'm making (very slow!!!!) progress...but progress is progress and I'll take it.  Of course now that I am seeing things a little differently I imagine my efforts will have a little more umph behind them.  My thoughts consume me...so it's time to adjust my thoughts...time to fix my eyes and my heart on what will be and take them off of what was...because what was was...and I can't do anything about that...The experiences of our past make us who we are today...but we do get to choose if it makes us better or worse...and well...why the hell would we not choose better?  And, as I run out of thoughts to put in the post I can hear my baby girl enjoying The Princess and the Frog on tv... "I'm almost there..." me too Tiana...me too!!!

40 by 40

So it's safe to say I'm over it.  I'm over feeling like crap because of a bad decision I made.  I'm over it because the people I love are getting over it...and forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  At first I felt as if my getting over it and trying to go on like "normal" would be disrespectful...like I didn't care enough to be remorseful.  Turns out that my getting back to normal is exactly what the "victims" of my thoughtless actions want from me.  Turns out that things getting back to normal is exactly what I want to.  Like I said forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  And because I can now see it again...the beauty in my life...now more than ever...I need to get my control back.  So I have come up with my own campaign (if you will)...the "40 by 40 Project".  My 40th birthday is on November 21st...so my gift to myself is to lose 40 pounds by the time I turn 40.  That gives me about 5 months...which I believe is do-able.  It gives me enough time to take my time and think about what I'm doing without the stress that would make me starve myself to reach my goals.  I want the results to last way past 40...but when I step onto that Grand Canyon Skywalk on my birthday I want to know that, not only did I go see something that my late great father said was the most amazing thing he's ever seen...but I will do it knowing that I finally "did it"...I finally set a weight loss goal and met it.  No excuses. No regrets.  Just results of hard work and dedication.  I will post more frequently than usual.  I will also weigh myself more regularly which I admit makes me nervous...but I don't think that getting on a scale should ever make me as anxious as it does...so I am prepared to look that bitch right in the eye and say "you don't scare me"...and I'm looking forward to the day that I will actually mean it!  I am going to post some pictures...measurements...and all that good stuff so that you all can see my progress...and I can have one hell of a story when all of this is done.  Of course I don't want it to ever be done...but I don't want it to always be a struggle.  I will be seeing a counselor to maintain (or regain I should say!!!) a healthy mental state.  I won't compare myself to anyone or anything else...because I am just me and I'm good with that.  I have been doing well lately (well up until my point of total failure) and I can say I am proud of what I have accomplished.  Since November I have lost 25 pounds.  Not with consistent working at it but with sporadic efforts...but you know what...I'm better than that...and I deserve to give myself all I've got.  So 40 by 40 it is...and 40 by 40 it will be!!!