In 3, 2, 1...

If love is supposed to feel good then why do we call it 'falling'? I think 'flying' should be more appropriate. I mean if it is what it is supposed to be. But then again who is the author of what it is supposed to be?  William Shakespeare? (The course of true love never did run smooth...)  Dr. Seuss? (You know you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams...) The Bible? (Love is patient...love is kind)  Sylvia and Mickey? (Love is strange...)  And if it is so easy to fall in love...(because it is isn't it)...is it just as easy to fall out of it too?  How do we make it last?  How do you know that the love you feel now will be the love you feel forever?  How do we know that the one we love loves us back?  We don't.  We won't. And we can't.  In my life I have experienced all kinds of love.  The type that makes me feel great about myself and the type that makes me feel like shit.  The kind that makes me want to be a better woman and the kind that makes me question what kind of a woman I am for putting up with so much craziness.  I have given it all to the wrong person and pushed the right person away.  I have longed for a certain type of love from a certain man when there was another man standing right in front of my face offering me everything I longed for...but I never saw it...because that would be too easy...then I wouldn't have been falling at all.  I do know this for sure...if we don't genuinely love ourselves with a crazy, stupid, unconditional love...there is no way in hell that we will ever let anyone else love us that way either.  I read a quote that said "We must be our own before we can be another's." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) and I believe that to be absolute truth.  Love from someone else can never replace what we long to receive from ourselves.  All it will do is cloud your head and make you accept things that would never be acceptable if you were full of self love.  Nothing can take the place of what we truly desire...and we're selling ourselves short if we think we can ever get what's missing from anyone else but ourselves.  Good news is it's never too late to start loving yourself.  It's never too late to start demanding more.  It's never to late to look in the mirror and say today is the day that I choose better for myself...because you want better...because you need better...because you deserve better.  Fall in love with the person you are now...not the person you hope to be someday...because we all know when we love something we cherish it...we take care of it...we nourish it and build it up and do our best to make it last...and why wouldn't we want to do all of those things for ourselves first?!?!?! So tonight I will look to myself to feel enough comfort to sleep...I will concentrate on the things I like about myself to feel peace...and I will fly in love with myself...and I hope you will join me as we get ready for lift off..

Breathe In Breathe Out

I spent thee best day with my girls today...we went to the Pantages theater in Hollywood and saw a stage production of Annie...and as those little girls on the stage started singing I couldn't help but feel envious of them...because it was obvious that they were all doing what they were put on this planet to do...and I was sitting there...40 years young...feeling jealous because I have been holding my breath trying to figure out what I was put on this planet for...and it sucks to feel that way...but eventually I pushed past it and was able to just enjoy the show...which was amazing...next was lunch at Pink's (because when in LA why on earth wouldn't I eat at Pink's)...and yeah it's just a hot dog spot but a friend of mine once sold me on the fact that it wasn't just a hot dog spot...it was thee hot dog spot...and...since I have enjoyed myself there a few times I went ahead and took the Mahomies there for dinner...of course the food was good...but what they really enjoyed was that there was a film crew there shooting some type of reality show...and they were right in the middle of all of the action...of course they were also slapped with the truth that reality shows are not at all reality...as the crew shot the scenes several times...but they still enjoyed the experience and I was very glad that they had that...from there it was on to the Santa Monica Pier...and while that's not anything new for us the drive over there was nothing short of amazing...because when a 14 year old girl with the world on her shoulders starts talking freely about everything you wanted to know you make the drive as long as possible...and it was great...and it was cathartic for her...and it brought me to a place of peace with her that I haven't had in awhile...by the time we got to our destination we were blasting the rap music (even though Chloe is a fan of gangster rap Lecrae is what ended up on our playlist)...we enjoyed the ferris wheel...and the cool sea breeze...we sat in the sand and talked...listened to music...laughed and cried...we enjoyed the sights and sounds of the people around us and the (ahem) familiar scent of marijuana in the air...well...the girls didn't enjoy that...but I admit I kinda did...and on the way home I introduced my niece (because baby girl knocked out) to some of the sweet love songs I used to enjoy back in the day ("Still In Love" by Troop, Force MD's "Tender Love") and I spoke to her of the boys that those songs reminded me of...it was fun to remember those boys...as the woman I am now can handle that conversation...and as I watched Chloe drift off to sleep I couldn't help but pray for her and for baby girl...but most of all I prayed for myself...to be able to understand what they go through...to be able to remember what it was like when I was a girl...the things that were important and the things that broke my heart...and I prayed that I could do right by them now...as the adult that was divinely chosen to show them life...because lately I can't find my own way...so how am I supposed to help them find theirs?  I realized then that helping them find their way isn't my job...my job is to love them unconditionally and do whatever comes along with that...and I'm ready and equipped to do that...I read a quote that says "Don't count how many breaths you take, but moments that take your breath away.."...and I realize that...life itself takes my breath away...the love and the hate...the good and the bad...the victories and the losses...all of it takes my breath away...so as it turns out...I haven't been holding my breath waiting for life...I have been living it...and just trying to catch my breath along the way...so my words of wisdom tonight friends are simple...just breathe...but be aware of every breath...and don't waste a single one...

Happy Anniversary!

I don't think it is coincidence that I decided to check out my blog...and it happens to be almost a year to the day since my last post.  I believe in a higher power...and I believe that higher power brought me here.  So that I can reflect on what was.  To remind myself of goals that I had.  To show me how far I've come...and how far I still have to go.  I didn't realize how much I love to hear the clicking of the keys as my fingers give life to the words in my head.  It feels invigorating and liberating to me.  A deep breath and a "waiting to exhale" moment come over me and I think of how amazing it is that I got to rediscover this today.  I've missed my old friend...my bsp (Blog Spot Page) and I hope she has missed me too...because we are going to be spending a lot of time together.  I read somewhere once that "The pen is mightier than the sword."  The root of the word sword comes from Pronto-Indo-European "swer-" ...which means "to wound, to cut"...and when I think of how many things in my life have wounded and cut me I understand why I started this blog in the first place...but if you put pressure on the wound the bleeding stops...and eventually there is new skin where a hole used to be...and I'm glad that I can find comfort in that new skin.  So comfortable in fact that I do believe I'm going to pull up a chair and stay here with my bsp for awhile....and I'd love some company...so join me if you will...

Mind Your Business

Do you think it's true that if you free your mind the rest will follow?  Is every battle I face really a question of mind over matter?  If I believe it can I really achieve it?  I think so.  I really do think so.  I think so because of the fact that my thoughts, specifically my negative thoughts, consume me.  I figure if the bad stuff can be so powerful, then the good stuff has to be just as overwhelming right?  I am my own worst enemy.  I am my worst critic.  I am my biggest hater.  I'm learning that my weight and food choices are not my biggest demons.  They are the consequence of my biggest demons.  I had a pretty good childhood.  Grew up with a great brother and a group of some of the best cousins anyone could have.  My best memories are the ones I have of my family at my grandparents' house. It didn't have to be a special occasion (although you couldn't beat my grandpa's fresh carnitas at Christmas...man do I miss him) every day was a house filled with kids and fun.  We had each other and that was all we needed (well that and a credit account with the ice cream man...which our parents totally worked out...it was pretty awesome!!!)  Sometimes I wish I could go back there...but we all know that I would need some plutonium and 1.21 gigawatts to do that...and let's face it...with this California weather lately a bolt of lightning isn't very probable... (If you know what I'm referring to by that then you are a blessed soul!!!)  So we get older...and our interests change...and we (well I anyway) experience things that the teenage mind doesn't understand but the adult mind cannot forget.  And as an adult I have allowed those things to cloud my mind, and influence me in ways that leave me wishing for a second (and third and fourth) chance.  The bad thing about that is that I have a lot of regrets...the good thing is...it's not over yet (that rhymed because I am a lyrical genius!!!) Admitting I have a problem with binge eating was a good step...finally figuring out that that problem is deeper than just bad habits and bad choices is liberating!!!  I don't know where this revelation came from...I think it's been within reach the whole time...but I can see it now and I'm not afraid of it anymore.  I no longer need to punish myself for something that someone else did to me.  That is their burden to bear now because I am letting it go.  I encourage you to face it.  Face whatever it is that scares the hell out of you.  Look it straight in the eye and scare the hell out of it right back!  Find a support system.  Someone who you can trust to tell it all too...because if you hold anything back it doesn't work.  For me holding back turned in to years of binge eating and it got me to my heaviest weight of 262 pounds.  I don't know where I am right now...because I don't like the scale...but the last time I checked I was 233 so that is progress for sure.  I plan to weigh myself in a couple of months...to see how I did in my 40 pounds by my 40th birthday goal.  I know I'm making (very slow!!!!) progress...but progress is progress and I'll take it.  Of course now that I am seeing things a little differently I imagine my efforts will have a little more umph behind them.  My thoughts consume me...so it's time to adjust my thoughts...time to fix my eyes and my heart on what will be and take them off of what was...because what was was...and I can't do anything about that...The experiences of our past make us who we are today...but we do get to choose if it makes us better or worse...and well...why the hell would we not choose better?  And, as I run out of thoughts to put in the post I can hear my baby girl enjoying The Princess and the Frog on tv... "I'm almost there..." me too Tiana...me too!!!

40 by 40

So it's safe to say I'm over it.  I'm over feeling like crap because of a bad decision I made.  I'm over it because the people I love are getting over it...and forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  At first I felt as if my getting over it and trying to go on like "normal" would be disrespectful...like I didn't care enough to be remorseful.  Turns out that my getting back to normal is exactly what the "victims" of my thoughtless actions want from me.  Turns out that things getting back to normal is exactly what I want to.  Like I said forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  And because I can now see it again...the beauty in my life...now more than ever...I need to get my control back.  So I have come up with my own campaign (if you will)...the "40 by 40 Project".  My 40th birthday is on November 21st...so my gift to myself is to lose 40 pounds by the time I turn 40.  That gives me about 5 months...which I believe is do-able.  It gives me enough time to take my time and think about what I'm doing without the stress that would make me starve myself to reach my goals.  I want the results to last way past 40...but when I step onto that Grand Canyon Skywalk on my birthday I want to know that, not only did I go see something that my late great father said was the most amazing thing he's ever seen...but I will do it knowing that I finally "did it"...I finally set a weight loss goal and met it.  No excuses. No regrets.  Just results of hard work and dedication.  I will post more frequently than usual.  I will also weigh myself more regularly which I admit makes me nervous...but I don't think that getting on a scale should ever make me as anxious as it does...so I am prepared to look that bitch right in the eye and say "you don't scare me"...and I'm looking forward to the day that I will actually mean it!  I am going to post some pictures...measurements...and all that good stuff so that you all can see my progress...and I can have one hell of a story when all of this is done.  Of course I don't want it to ever be done...but I don't want it to always be a struggle.  I will be seeing a counselor to maintain (or regain I should say!!!) a healthy mental state.  I won't compare myself to anyone or anything else...because I am just me and I'm good with that.  I have been doing well lately (well up until my point of total failure) and I can say I am proud of what I have accomplished.  Since November I have lost 25 pounds.  Not with consistent working at it but with sporadic efforts...but you know what...I'm better than that...and I deserve to give myself all I've got.  So 40 by 40 it is...and 40 by 40 it will be!!!

Food for Thought

Consider the consequences of your decisions.

I could stop right there and leave everyone with something to think about...but I have a little bit more to say than that...so I'll go on.  I made a bad decision.  Did the wrong thing.  Chose the wrong path.  I won't say what it was right now (I know, I know!!!) because I'm not the only one involved...but, eventually, someday maybe, I will have the permission (and the balls) to admit to the world exactly what it is I'm referring to.  Until then I have to just keep it cryptic.  I'm not proud of what I did...and I'm not using this blog to boast.  I know it's nobody's business.  I also know that this blog is very therapeutic for me and I do feel better after I have hit the "publish" button, so I have decided to (sort of) put it out there.  I haven't felt as bad as I do now since I was a teenager (about 5 years ago... I wish!!!) and it's a sucky way to live.  Guilt is a mean, awful, monster...and she is doing a number on me right now.  I hurt people that I love by my actions...and you know what I'm getting for it??? Love.  That's right ladies (and gentlemen?) I am getting nothing but love in return.  What's wrong with that? Well nothing, if I could accept the love I'm getting.  Truth is at this point I don't feel worthy of anyone's love...and the unconditional, all consuming, enormous amounts of love I am getting thrown my way is making me feel worse!!!  So what am I doing about it??? Well this isn't called "The Double Chin Diaries" for nothing....so I am eating the hell out of my overwhelming feelings of guilt.  These past few days have been the worst!  I feel like if I can eat (and eat, and eat) until I feel physically sick, then maybe my physical grow-dee-ness will surpass my emotional grow-dee-ness and I can feel better about myself.  Of course all of you know that doesn't work...and it really doesn't.  At this point I feel disgusted.  My self-esteem is at zilcho.  Can't stand to look at myself in the mirror...(right now your probably like "damn...what did she do", just remember that awful actions are in the eye of the beholder...so maybe you wouldn't think it is worth all this...then again maybe you would be just as disgusted as I am and never read this blog again!) I always knew I was an emotional eater.  I didn't realize it was this bad...Every night I say to myself that tomorrow I'm gonna throw all of this negative energy into exercise instead of food...but so far that hasn't happened.  I am out of control at this point.  The good thing is I'm not keeping it a secret (obviously) and I am receiving support...the bad thing is the more support I get the more I want to eat.  Love isn't the only thing that's a battlefield right now my friends...and I'm a lover, not a fighter...so I guess I'll just have to wait and see if victory will be mine...

Summer Breeze Makes Me Feel FIne

Sleepless nights suck big time donkey dong!!!  While I lay in bed tossing and turning to the melodic sounds of my husband and daughter's snoring (don't worry all of you who oppose to co-sleeping...she's only in our bed because she watched a Percy Jackson movie that freaked her out...not to mention the fact that, even though she's already 9...she'll always be my baby (word Mariah!) and darn it she can sleep with me if she wants to so there!!!) I couldn't sleep last night either. So today when I got home from church (cause you can use terms like "suck big time donkey dong" and believe in God all at the same time) I took a nice long nap which I guess was too long because now I can't sleep again!  Tomorrow I will be tired because I get up at 4:30 in the morning (my standing appointment time with Shawn T) in order to do everything I like to do before I wake my family to start their day...so...since I'm not working tomorrow I will probably take a nap and the vicious cycle will go on and on...boo!!! I know why I can't sleep...I went to visit my dad's grave yesterday.  He's been in heaven now for over a year and it's probably been about a year since I've gone to the cemetery.  Every day when I left work I passed right by his house.  I never stopped and took the time for a quick hello or for one of his awesome hugs...I just drove by...waved at him if he was outside...and figured I would stop and visit some other time.  So for the longest time I felt like it was pointless to make the time and effort to go see his grave if I didn't do it while he was alive...but the truth is for months now I have been feeling like I needed to go...so Saturday when I got off of work I stopped and took the time.  I pulled out of the driveway and turned left instead of right.  I made the extra effort to drive up the hill to the upper cemetery on the Rez.  I pulled up to the gate turned my car off and took a deep breath...my dad's grave is visible from where I parked my car and for a while I just sat there...almost convinced myself that that was enough...but I knew if I didn't get off of my car this feeling of needing to go wouldn't have been satisfied.  So I sucked it up and went right up to his grave.  I had nothing to say.  Nothing in my heart or on my mind. I just stood there.  Taking in the sight of where his body was laid to rest.  Reading the beautiful wooden cross that marks his grave.  It's still very unreal to me...and the fact that I didn't just break down and cry was strange as well.  I looked up and saw a bench...so I moved it over right next to the grave.  The day was so still.  There was no movement...no noise...none that I could hear anyway.  And even though I was surrounded by other people who's bodies found there resting place at that same cemetery it felt as if it was just he and I.  After awhile of sitting there in silence I said out loud (to him, to myself?) "So tell me how it feels dad...to live in total peace and total freedom."  and immediately a strong gust of wind came.  I lifted my head and closed my eyes and felt the cool breeze on my face.  I heard a wind chime in the distance playing the sweetest sound I had ever heard...and I knew deep down inside that that was him answering me...and as soon as the wind stopped I broke down and cried...and I haven't stopped crying yet.  But through my tears I have reflected on that precious moment that he gave to me and I have come to discover this. What my dad was telling me in the wind is that I don't have to wait until I am in heaven to experience total peace and total freedom...I can have that right now as I'm living.  I can live every day feeling the breeze on my face and hearing the wind chimes make music.  I can let go of the things that bother me (especially the things I have no control over) and I can fix the things that I do have control over.  The one thing I need to fix is how I eat when I'm in a hyper emotional state.  For me any elevated emotion is an avenue for eating crap.  On Saturday I had a huge rib eye steak with fries (yum...fries...) and a side of broccoli (that I did eat).  I had a huge Pepsi with at least a couple of refills...then at 10:00 at night I ate an Oreo Milkshake from Sonic (which made no boys came to the yard by the way...haha).  Sunday I ate half a cinnamon roll and two powdered donut holes for breakfast, a junior bacon cheeseburger with fries (there's that word again) and a soda and a chocolate frosty, and a Large Dr. Pepper with a beef flour taco for dinner.  As wonderful as my calorie-fest may sound...I did't enjoy a single bit of it.  To be honest (or TBH to all of you generation thumbers out there) I couldn't even tell you what any of it tasted like...because I was only stuffing my face to try to stop the tears for my dad...and guess what...the tears came down anyway.  My goal this week is to start finding peace and freedom from emotional eating, because I think that is my biggest obstacle in my journey.  So instead of reaching for a Dr. Pepper right now I think I'm just gonna let myself cry...and if that's not enough...I can always step outside and enjoy the breeze on my face...