Don't Go There

I was driving to work today and just ahead of me I noticed a dog trying to get across the freeway. Out loud in my car I said "oh no puppy...you're gonna get hurt"...I slowed down hoping to give the dog enough time to get across and hoping that I wasn't putting myself or any other drivers in danger because of my decrease in speed.  I watched as the dog ran across the freeway...and...to my relief...make it to the other side.  The dog wasn't even safe for a few seconds when he turned around and ran right back onto the road and was hit.  From what I saw he didn't get up and run away...so I have to assume he is now in doggie heaven.  I still had about a 20 minute drive up to my job.  I was thinking about the dog...about how he had already made it...he was already safe...and he turned around and got crushed...and I couldn't help but consider how many times I have done that.  How many times have I made it to safety and turned around and went back?  If it has been more than one time, should it be?  Should it take more than one time of running through traffic for me to know it's not good for me?  When is the last time going to be the last time...when I get crushed?  When I can't get up and run away anymore?  I am not referring to any one particular thing here.  Rather I am referring to the many bad decisions I have made over the 41 years I have been on this earth.  Don't get me wrong...I have taken every bad experience and have tried and succeeded in finding a lesson in all of them.  Some lessons I understand right away...others I don't...but each experience has a lesson just the same.  My goal this year is to know when I have made it to safety...and to be so sure about it...so comfortable in it...and so satisfied with it that there is no way in hell that I will turn around and run back.  There is nothing there for me...and there is nothing there for you...so let's promise each other that when we get to safety...we will just stay still.

She Used to Be Mine...

"She Used To Be Mine" (Sara Bareilles)

It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and it's patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you
And you're not what I asked for
If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who'll be reckless just enough
Who'll get hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love
And then she'll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but it used to be mine

Used to be mine
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine

I heard this sing on the radio today, and I felt it, because I have lived it, because maybe, deep down inside...and maybe not so deep inside...I'm still living it now...