Rest in Peace but Live in Peace Too

It is really hard to sing with a lump in your throat.  I've always known that...but proved it today.  I was asked to sing at a funeral.  A young man who died a few days ago.  Something went wrong with his heart is about all I know of how he passed.  I did not know him (although I have a feeling I did know him, just not recently) and, even though there were many people at his funeral that I know I went to high school with, I didn't really know his family either.  All I knew was that someone somebody loved was lying in the casket, and all I could feel was how badly every person in there wished it weren't true.  I tried not to make eye contact with anyone, I tried not to watch the slide show, but when I heard Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" I couldn't help but look up and watch the screen.  And as the pictures of this guys life flashed before my eyes the gravity of the whole situation for this family just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt myself struggling to hold back my tears...and I shouldn't have done that...because that is what caused the lump in my throat.  I was supposed to sing "Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone" and when it started it was beautiful.  As I was singing I kept telling myself "don't look at any one's face"...you see up until then I was sitting in the very back, all I could see was the back of their heads.  And as I looked around the room from the podium I just lost it...I'd love to say I finished strong, not for me...but because this family deserved it...but I didn't...I had to cut the song a little short and do the best I could.  I feel bad because that isn't something that I can ever do again, not for him, not for them, but I hope they know how honored I am to have been invited to celebrate this guys life.  And even though I felt like I was peeping in at something very private by being there, I truly appreciated being able to share the moment with these people that I didn't even know.  Of course funerals always make me think of my life, and my death.  Truth is none of us knows when or how.  My goal is to be able to see my girls married with babies of their own, doing well on their own, and I pray that I get there...but who knows really?  I know too many young children who have a parent that is dead.  I wonder how they handle it.  When my dad died it was a hurt I have never felt before and I never want to feel it again.  It wasn't just an emotional hurt but a physical pain so deep down in the pit of my stomach.  Like someone was continually punching me over and over again...not letting me up for air...not giving me a moment to catch my breath...and I still feel that way sometimes...and I won't say it is getting easier...but I am learning how to deal.  How did little kids learn that?  Especially when the adults they have left can't even keep themselves together?  I pray that my daughter never knows this pain as a young child.  Even as an adult it hurts more than anyone can take.  They say time heals all things but I really don't believe that.  God heals all things...time makes things old..time makes it so that we can see things differently...time keeps ticking even after we have taken our last breath.  Looking at pictures of this guy's life...I saw family...I saw love...I saw parties and laughter...Las Vegas...San Francisco...beer...babies...I saw my life...all of our lives really...and it's too bad that I have forgotten lately how very blessed I am just to be alive.  Even when I am frustrated with my job or my husband or my girls.  Even when my clothes don't fit.  Even when I feel like my life is wasted.  Even when I'm screaming at the top of my head.  Even when I'm crying my eyes out on my way to or from work and I don't even know why...those times are a blessing...because even though it sucks big ass to feel like crap at least we are able to feel.  When we wake up in the morning we need to be grateful that we wake up in the morning.  Every minute is a gift and a treasure.  For this young man his life here on earth is over.  And even though I truly believe he is happy in heaven, I know for a fact that his family and the people that love him don't want him to be anywhere but here.  And if you are reading this you are still here...and so am I...so let's make the most of it now!