Thoughts at 0250

I woke up at 1:30 in the morning with a desire to hear the song "Special" by Garbage.  Got up...went to my computer...and youtubed ("youtubed" is an official verb now ya know) it.  I have always liked that song...but these days I am LOVING it.  Funny thing is I don't know why. Okay that's not true...I know why...and I know who...but I am going to choose to keep that to myself for now... I have been feeling lately like I should go visit my dad's grave...it's been about a month now...but another part of me is hesitating.  I used to drive right by his house on the way home from work.  More than once I felt like I should stop and say hello...but I always figured I'd "do it tomorrow".  Then one day there were no more tomorrows left...not for him...not for me and him together.  So I guess I shouldn't wait.  I inquired about this boot camp fitness thing today (...yesterday??? wait what time is it???) and was terribly frightened by the words HIGH INTENSITY WORK OUT in the response.  Right away I figured it wasn't for me.  Because how can you go from the couch to a high intensity work out and survive it??? At least that's what my mind is saying..."look at me...I'm running...oh I'm dead"...but I have to start somewhere...geez I just have to start.  I HATE looking at pictures of myself.  I HATE the fact that I can't polish my own toenails...(okay so I don't think I've ever really been able to do that anyway but now even less)...and I want so badly to take a trapeze flying class (not a joke) in Santa Monica but I don't think I would be able to pull my weight up.  How on earth is it that I can be so sick of all of this fat and so lazy, unmotivated to do anything about it??? I don't get that at all.  Every day I wake up and say today is the day I start...then I eat a _________________________________ left that blank becaue you could insert any number of things there that aren't good for me.  I started reading a book called "Made to Crave" and there are so many things in there already...(I'm barely on chapter 2) that speak to me...so many things that I read and think "I know exactly what you mean".  So my friends around the world...I ask you to pray for me.  This is very much more a spiritual battle than anything else.  I will be forty (f-o-u-r-t-y???) in a couple of years....and I want to know what it feels like to be fabulous!! Because honestly I really don't remember that feeling at all!  I spoke with the wife of my daughter's softball coach today (love softball season) and right now I can't remember really whar we ralked about...but I do remember thinking about how very pretty she looked...healthy...thin...rested...All of the things I am not....and I wanted to be her...well no that's not true...I want to be me...the real me...the girl who didn't give up on herself...the one who wouldn't go anywhere without make-up and hair done...You know at one point in my life I didn't even own a pair of pants???? That's because at one point in my life I believed I had great legs and I LOVED to show them off...I also liked to look very much the lady with pretty dresses and jewelry...all that is gone!!! Has been gone for sooooooo long.  I may not be able to wake up tomorrow morning (today morning???...gosh what time is it???) and be 100 pounds lighter (my ultimate goal by age 40) but I can do my hair...and I can do my make-up...and you know what... I can start to change some things instantly...and that makes me feel better...better enough to fall asleep I hope...because I have to get up in 2 hours!!!  Don't know if bags under my eyes will look so fabulous!!!