Mat Keel is My Hero (Isn't a "hero" a sandwich?) Food get out of my head!!!

My husband inspires me.  I suppose that is what a husband is supposed to do, so I am truly grateful.  He gives me unconditional love. He truly is my very best friend.  I feel safe with him. I can tell him anything.  He protects me and lifts me up.  I could never have asked or imagined I would have a man like him to spend my life with...so then why the heck was I so JEALOUS of him yesterday!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Yesterday we had a family barbecue at the park...(food, food, food!!!)...and seeing that it was gonna be over 75 degrees I asked Mat if he wanted to wear shorts.  He gave me a pair of shorts (I was ironing the clothes) that he hadn't worn since last summer.  As he put them on I heard him say "What the heck?" he walks in the living room and shows me that his shorts that fit him perfectly (maybe a little snug) last summer are now seriously about 5 inches too big!!!  They literally were falling off!!!  So he got a belt he hadn't used in awhile and he had to MAKE A NEW HOLE (that sounds really funny to me right now) in the belt because it was too big!!!  I guess Billy Blanks really knows his stuff because it is definitely working on Mat!!!  The only thing he has done differently since he started working out it January is he does not eat fast food and he only drinks water (and milk in his cereal)  Every now and then he will have a sweet snack, but he used to be a junk food junkie when it came to Twinkies and things like that!!!  I feel so convicted!!!  I should not have been jealous of my husband!!!  I was happy for him too...but I wished it were me!!!  So today, cold turkey it is, no more sodas...I switched from caffeinated sodas to non-caffeinated but sugar is sugar is sugar no matter what form it's in...I guess I had myself convinced that I was doing better for myself by choosing Sprite over Coke...(Ah the things we do to make ourselves feel less guilty)  So to my husband I say congratulations Mat...I LOVE YOU!!!  Now go eat some doughnuts darn it before I have to divorce your behind!!!

Almost 1 month to the day since my las post!!!  I'm really letting my blog down!!!  Well my weigh in after 1 month went well.  I met my goal of losing 2 pounds...hooray!!!....but...now I am sad to report that I have gained a pound and a half back since then...boo!!!  So my total weight loss thus far is .5 pounds.  I think that February is a terrible time to try to lose weight.  Too much chocolate floating around!  Of course I just saw an advertisement on t.v. for the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Eggs so I can't use Valentine's day as an excuse.  I didn't exercise as much as I would've liked to.  My heart issues (I refuse to use the words "heart" and Problems" together) stopped me from doing too much.  I guess it wasn't really the heart issues but the fear of having heart issues that stopped me.  I am slowly (and I do mean slowly) getting back to physical activity.  As I am typing this I can smell the cupcakes baking in the kitchen.  Tomorrow we are having a potluck at work (AGAIN) and I am making cupcakes...I know it's not a fancy shmansy dish but I had all the ingredients at home already so it was the easiest thing for me.  I'm getting sick of these potlucks (no offense to the food or the people that bring it) because it makes it hard to stick to a good eating plan.  Yeah...I suppose I could just walk away...but you can say that if you don't know how AWESOME the food is that people bring...and don't even get me started on the desserts!!!  I asked my mom to stop making me dinner (again no offense but geez) and so for my last supper she made me (at my request) pork chops, eggs, and fresh homemade tortillas...it was super duper delish.  I savored each bite then felt a sudden disgust with myself when I thought about how many times I have asked my mom to stop making me dinner, and how many times I have had a last good meal before I start my diet...when will this vicious cycle end?!?!?!?!?!?  I believe in me...I know God is faithful...this is it...I just know it!!!

7:26 and babygirl is already asleep.  Hubby is at church and it's just me and the computer (with Giuliana Rancic in the background, I love her!!!).  Feeling a little more encouraged today.  I contacted a friend who put me in touch with someone I can get some counseling from.  I have seen a psychologist before (alas, it is true...I am a basket case) she was professional but not a Christian and I do believe that will make a difference.  I listened to "Desert Song" (I hope I spelled the word for a hot place with lots of sand and not the word for chocolate cake...mmmm cake...) by Hillsong and I have to say it was uplifting.  Slowly coming out of my woe-is-me mentality and back to reality.  As the song says "all of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" and I really do.  I have so many reasons to sing (hoping I can sing soon, I'm kinda out of breathe lately and I can't get through a song without getting dizzy which is VERY frustrating for me) and I definitely have a reason to worship (just being alive one more day).  I went to look for some boots for babygirl at Kohl's and, turns out, boots are no longer in season so they have none, so I walked to Target from there to keep on looking.  That took some courage for me.  No Kohl's isn't far from Target, but it is far enough for my heart to react in a play that funky music sort of way.  I took it slow (out of breathe remember) and prayed the whole way.  I made it to Target with no pain, no funky rhythms, and no dizziness.  I was encouraged by that!  I, however, was not encouraged by the fact that boots are out of season at Target too, bbbuuuutttt, I did find a cute Hello Kitty watch (ssshhhh it's a surprise).  It being the first, I expected some traffic at Target but was pleased to find it not so bad, the biggest distraction??? The smell of fresh popcorn popping!!! That is torture for someone who is trying to limit their salt intake.  I started thinking about it...first rationally..."don't do it Jeanette, your stronger than that"...then irrationally..."if you have an Icee too it will instantly kill the salt content because of the ice"...then my mom called, just like she has been, every 15 minutes, everyday since I got out of the hospital.  As I rolled my eyes and answered the phone I was taken away from the great popcorn debate of 2012.  As it turns out my mom was going to Target too (you see she really didn't need to be there, she just can't bear the fact of my being anywhere alone) so I waited for her to get there.  I love my mom.  I feel very sad for those of you who don't have their mothers anymore.  I didn't always like her, sometimes still don't, but I love her to infinity and beyond. (anyone who knows my mom knows why she is so loved by everyone).  I imagine all of this must be very hard for her.  Made me realize that my health issues don't just affect (effect? whatever!) me but everyone else in my life as well.  Babygirl has been having nightmares of being lost, not able to find me or her dad.  My husband holds everything inside, but I can tell he is on edge.  He really is like a rock...boy when he promised "in sickness and in health" he had no idea what he was getting himself into!  I am blessed to have him.  My cousin Mandy, who is like my sister, sat by my side on Saturday while I was crying and told me she "needs" me to be around.  The thought of all of this made me feel like I am being selfish for feeling all poor poor pitiful me.  So I am going to try harder to be stronger.  I have too much life to live.  Several things I need to work out, and a babygirl I need to see get married (I pray for her future husband everyday).  Babysteps are key.  I got my DASH diet book today.  It's interesting, pretty obvious stuff.  Eat better. Exercise. Lose weight. Lower blood pressure.  I like that it has full days menus for 29 straight days.  Some foods I like, some are growdy but I'll eat them, some I've never tasted but gonna give it a try!  Haven't gotten much into dancing (my exercise of choice) but I did bob my head back and forth as I listened to Kirk Franklin on my Ipod.  Thinking of taking up yoga.  Right now the sky's the limit.  Today I ate a bowl of Crunch Berries and a banana for breakfast.  Some crackers (boo!!!) for a snack.  At lunch I was bad, bad, bad to the bone...the rib bone that is! I went to my aunts house and had ribs, beans, and tortillas...there are just some things a person shouldn't even try to resist!!!  Tomorrow's another day...another chance...another way...I'm in such a good mood right now...can't think of a better way to end my day...gonna go to bed!!! Goodnight all!!! (Just realized the last few lines rhymed, not trying to do that on purpose...I guess i'm just a lyrical genius!!)

My new addiction is saltine crackers.  When I was in my late teens I went through this phase where I would just sit and munch on saltine crackers and now I am re-living that I guess.  I am feeling better.  The new medication the doctors gave me at the hospital was suffocating me.  Literally.  I felt like I couldn't breathe and, when I went to the doctor and she checked me out, it turns out I really couldn't.  I got a breathing treatment, a different medication, and (thank God) lungs full of air again!  I took another week off of work.  I am afraid that I will lose my job but I can't do anything about that.  It's funny that for awhile I didn't care about my job, regretted ever getting one, and was convinced that I somehow betrayed my husband and daughter by even getting a job...now...I don't know how to be home!  I mean I'm sure I could get used to it again but I have actually been enjoying my work the past couple of months.  It has helped me in so many ways. There is the obvious financial gain (who really cares, not me really...really I don't) okay I admit it's been nice, but it's also given me the opportunity to get closer to people I probably would've never met any other way.  I am reconnecting with people I haven't seen in years and getting to know people who I may have had the opportunity to grow up with had my parents' relationship gone differently.  I like it.  I feel like I have a place there.  Whether or not I really do I don't know but I do feel like it.  So I'm praying that they understand, I would much rather be at work than home because my heart decided to skip a few beats!!!  We'll see what happens.
While I'm home I would love to say I am exercising and getting it together but that would be a lie.  To be honest I'm afraid to exercise that it's going to get me right back to the palpitations...but I can't let that fear cripple me forever...the whole point of this blog is my journey to weight loss.  I knew it was going to turn into something different but I had no idea it would be so soon.  So getting back to the business at hand I can report that I ate a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast with the last of the 2% milk (1% here we come, eeewwww) and now I am munching on crackers.  Thinking about having a banana.  No exercise to log in, like I said I'm scared right now so I'll wait.  It's almost time for me to weigh myself again. First of the month!  As I stuff another cracker in my mouth.....

Thumpity thump thump, Thumpity thump thump, Look at My Heart Go!!!

PVC's/Bigeminy.  That's what they called it this time.  When I woke up in the morning I could tell instantly that something was off.  I felt like there was a balloon in my chest.  Not pressure or pain, but a fullness that s hard to explain. (The rhyme there was accidental, but cool, anyway...)  I am pretty used to these palpitations.  Had them for years, and after years of panicking to the point of a panic attack I have learned to just take a deep breath and let them pass.  This time, though, there was no passing.  I waited and waited, then I felt like the thumps were making me cough.  When I coughed to the point of vomiting a little voice in my head so "Uh-oh".  After an straight hour with non-stop palpitations I looked at my husband and said I need to go the E.R. now.  Since my mom works next door she was able to take me.  I have to admit, with no offense to anyone, that I dreaded going to Sierra View.  Past experiences there have been bad, and for awhile when I went I had a feeling they didn't take me seriously. (Whether the symptoms are physiological or mental, they are still real to the person feeling them.)  I was glad when I got to the E.R. because no one else was there.  They took me in right away, got me hooked up to a billion machines and said I was "in PVC's".  This was already about two hours in to non-stop palpitations.  I felt weak and nauseous.  They didn't do much for me.  Mostly just watching the monitors, but I felt alot safer there than I would have at home (I don't own a crash cart).  After about three hours I had to get up out of bed because I felt a surge of anxiety, like I was crawling out of my skin.  That scared me because I didn't know where it was coming form.  Was it really anxiety or was it the "impending doom" people feel right before they have a heart attack?  I let the nurse know and she came back with medication.  Ativan (my new best friend) right into the blood stream.  So it turns out that it was anxiety, because the medication helped.  After four hours in the E.R. I was taken to my lovely studio suite on the 2nd floor with a view of the rooftop and windows.  I looked around and thought, Lord what the heck is happening?  I was begging in my mind for God to please make it stop.  It did stop after 12 hours.  yep, that's right, 12 hours of heart palpitations!  I woke up with a sore chest, like someone had been pounding on it all night, but the palpitations were gone.  I found out that PVC's are considered Bigeminy when two occur one right after the other with no normal heart beat in between.  That could lead to Trigeminy, which can lead to V Fib, which can lead to death.  Death.  I am obsessed with death.  Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal or homicidal, just can't get death out of my head.  The first thing I look at when I open the paper are the obituaries.  I look at people's names and ages.  Read about their lives.  It is interesting to me, makes me very sad and I know it's making me crazy.  But I didn't die.  I'm here at home, sitting in my sweat pants, writing this blog.  I get another chance to get up and watch my baby sleep.  Another chance to kiss my husband and tell him I love him.  I feel like I'm walking on egg shells though, and I hate that.  I was started on a new medication.  One that will help my blood pressure and my palpitations.  I DID NOT read the possible side effects (someone with anxiety should NEVER do that) because I knew it would make me nuts.  I trust in my God.  I know he is with me.  He goes before me in every step of my life.  These trials have purpose and I can't hardly wait to find out what that purpose is.  I will give big ups to Sierra View.  From the minute I walked in there I encountered the most caring, competent people I ever met there. I don't ever want to go back, but if I had to it would be with a little less doubt in what I was going to encounter.
So it's a new day, with new things to learn, for now I think I'll just go outside and watch the sunrise...I've never done that before...

PMSS

PreMenstrual Syndrome Sucks.  I could end it there...because most women reading this will get it right away...but I'll just keep going.  As I get (ahem) older my PMS symptoms get worse.  My mom says hers were really bad too and all I have to say to that is...nnnnooooooooo!!!!  It's a known fact that however your mother's cycles were yours will most likely be the same...I'm sooo lucky.  Today I can also say PLY...Pot Luck Yay!!!  Meaning we had a potluck today at work and as much as I tried to be good, the chocolate dessert was just too strong a force for me to resist.  I knew it was gonna happen because the last time someone brought that dessert I ate 3 servings...oh and by the way...the person who brought that irrisitable dessert is ME!!!! So why do I bring something I know I can't resist???? I'm convinced that it's that darn PMS!!! My day started off bad anyway.  I pretty much blew it at 6:00 this morning when I ate Oreo cookies and vanilla ice cream for breakfast!  I had better options but I didn't care.  I was seduced by the shiny blue packaging.  And I wouldn't have had it with ice cream but we were out of milk and I had to get my dairy serving in there somehow! (Well balanced meals are important.)  My heart palpitations were out of control (Cherry Dr. Pepper be damned) and as my buns are planted ever so snugly on my desk chair my motivated husband is doing Tae Bo PT 24/7...which he has done everyday for 3 straight weeks.  I told him if he loses too much weight I'd have to divorce him cuz I only go for chubby guys!  I don't think he believes me though because he's really working it out right now.  (I'm kidding about the whole divorce thing, I'm actually really proud, and oh hell I admit it, a little jealous!)  I am believeing that tomorrow will be better.  No retreat, no surrender.  Soft hands, concentration not strength.  (Those are quotes from some of my favorite 80's movies by the way...what...like you didn't enjoy "The Mighty Ducks"...okay I didn't really enjoy it either.. but two words kept me watching...those words???...Emilio Estevez!!!)  That little detour of thought aside I want to say I am overall feeling good.  Gonna try to watch Project Runway but I always fall asleep.  I was moved by a verse in my bible today so I want to share it with all of you (all of the zero people following this blog) "Commit your work to the Lord and then your plans will succeed." - Proverbs 16:3...So I think I've been going about this all wrong...

I'm baaaack!!!

Okay so I lost sight, motivation, and everything else for this blog for a few months!  Let me just say Happy Thanksgiving, Marry Christmas, and Happy New Year to all!!!  Now that that is taken care of I have to say I feel blah today.  Stayed home because babygirl had a seizure (epilepsy can eat worms and die!!!), and because of the stress I have from the seizure (me,me,me) I HAD to have a Dr. Pepper...so my ever so loving husband went and got me one, by one I mean a 1 liter bottle which I am now halfway through...taking a moment to read the label I see that there are 4 servings in this bottle...to that I say :P  I weighed myself on December 30th and the scale did not say "confidence", "sass", "wisdom" or any other of those motivational words on the Special K commercials...it said 238.  No exclaimation point behind that because it is not a surprise to me.  I will weigh myself only once a month, because I can get very discouraged very quickly, and my goal is to lose 2 pounds a month, for as long as it takes, for me to get down to 200.  From there I will make new goals or be satisfied and stay...we'll see what happens when we get there.  So far today I have eaten a piece of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and a tuna melt...let me point out that it is barely 10:21 a.m. here in Porterville, California.  Not gonna beat myself up over it, just something else I have to work on.  On a positive note I have ordered "The DASH Diet Action Plan" book and according to the e-mail I got from Amazon.com it is on it's way.  I chose this because it is built to help lower blood pressure which I need bad.  I absolutely do not want to have to take medication forever.  I also decided that my exercise of choice is dancing.  When I was younger my favorite thing to do was dance so darn it...that'sa what Ima gon do!!!  Any type of dancing will do, mostly in my living room because I am pretty self concious about my double d's bouncing around when I dance (don't say people don't notice them cuz there is no way that's true!!!)  Praying for the best, believeing this will be the one for me...I feel it...God is leading me in the right direction...it's up to me to follow.