In This Great Future, You Can't Forget Your Past

It's almost 2:00 in the morning and I can't get to sleep.  It would be so nice if I could just lay my head on my pillow, close my eyes, and drift off to some magical dream world somewhere...but alas...that is not meant to be tonight.  If it were only tonight that would be okay.  Truth is it happens way more than I would like it to.  I have been in an anxious state since Wednesday.  Well, if I'm honest, I've been in an anxious state since my baby girl was born, but I can feel this anxiety so bad in my body and it's making me nuts!  Could be an over consumption of Dr. Pepper...I have occasionally gone on a binge...or maybe there is something more.  Something that goes even deeper than my caffeine addiction.  So what is it tonight???  Well, in my expert opinion...it's photographs.  You see long before digital pictures hung out in our cameras or in our phones by the thousands we had to do something called "developing" to the film.  We turned in the little rolls to the drug store, waited about a week or so, then excitedly picked up our envelope full of memories.  I find it really weird still that, back in the day, every ones pictures were all stuck together somewhere...so on could easily pick up someone elses envelope full of memories and leisurely invade a stranger's birthday party, wedding, or girl's night out.  I never did that...but I admit I always wanted to!  Tonight I ended up with a huge bag full of pictures.  I told myself I wouldn't go through them until tomorrow, but I couldn't resist.  The best part about looking through the bag was I took none of those pictures, so I had no idea what was there.  The worst part was I took none of those pictures, so I had no idea what was there!  What was there?  Mostly family stuff.  I found pictures of myself when I was in kinder, 1st, and 5th grade.  I saw myself as a freshman and a sophomore in high school. (Tall hair anyone??? Hey...it was the 80's!!!)  And I saw pictures of my family members.  Some that are with me still.  Some that I will see again when I get to heaven.  Pictures of them.  Young.  Happy.  Enjoying the days they lived.  I saw a picture of my grandpa cooking meat for our Christmas tamales (insert lame joke why Mexicans eat tamales at Christmas here...) and I swear I could smell the fire.  I could hear Ramon Ayala music playing in the back ground.  I could hear my grandpa singing along to every word.  I saw pictures of my aunt Stella and her girls.  I was reminded of how beautiful she was...then I felt bad for forgetting that in the first place.  I remembered how she used to take me and my cousins anywhere we wanted to go.  I remember her black eyeliner, her immaculate home, and how happy she was the day my cousin got her period.  She was an awesome, awesome woman.  I saw one picture of my cousin Teresa.  I heard her voice.  I don't know what she was saying.  But I remember always feeling like she had a very unique voice.  She used to some visit my mom alot...but I always had to leave the room when they started talking.  She was older than I was, so I just figured they were talking about "grown up" stuff.  Pictures and more pictures.  I could hear Bob Marley's "No Woman, No Cry" while I was looking at them..."good friends we had and good friends we lost along the way..." and I realized, with all of the limited energy I have, how super duper blessed I am to be a part of the family I have.  I love them.  I love them all so very much.  Tonight I feel like I can feel them all.  All of their pain, all of their sadness, all of their joy, all of their victories, and it just overwhelms me more than I can explain.  I think of how sick I have been feeling these past couple of months and I wonder how long my life will be with them.  And I wish I didn't.  I really wish I didn't do that.  I have no control over how long my life will be...all I know is that I want to see my girls living as adults.  As successful wives and mothers.  I want to sit back as an old woman one day and look at their pictures, their moments, their memories and feel again what I felt tonight when I was looking at mine.  Most of all I want to learn how to truly appreciate every breath, every second of my most precious and ever changing life. I want to be overwhelmed by something greater than my wieght loss struggles every day for the rest of my life. I will accept nothing less.  Hello Jeanette...it's nice to see you again!