To Eat or Not to Eat...Yup I'm Gonna Eat!!

Heart palpitations suck beans!!!  Had a bad case of them today!  It wasn't the first time so don't panic, but ugh it was awful.  Of course I have been under alot of stress lately.  Working full time, taking online classes at the college, gaining weight, and most of all my baby girl has epilepsy and her seizures are coming more frequently.  Put that together with a cold pepsi and you got a recipe for thumpity thumpity thump thump thump!  Okay yes I said Pepsi...geez...this is what I had to eat today.  A bowl of Lucky Charms with 2% milk (ice cold because I refuse to have it any other way), a banana, a sandwich from Subway with I really don't know what kind of meat but it was really good, lay's potato chips (woot, woot!!!!), and a can of pepsi...then I had 4 chicken nuggets, small fries and a sprite from McDonald's. Finally I had a bowl of instant macaroni and cheese.  Welcome to my world Easymac!!!  So needless to say my food diary leaves much to be desired.  I didn't exercise today either.  Off to a bad start but I'll get there I just know it!  I put in a request to be transferred to a part time position at work.  It's a big difference in pay and of course I will lose my benefits, but if I don't stop working full time I think I'll lose my mind!  On a positive note I am digging the song "Stronger" by Mandisa.  I live by a cemetery and driving through there usually gives me the creeps but not today.  You can't be scared when God is in your ear via a powerful black woman with an amazing voice!  On a bummer note I learned that there a a billion web-sites and blogs that are called double chin diary, here I thought it wast catchy and original!  Not changing it though...I like it just the way it is!  Hasta manana!

And She's Off...

To be totally honest I don't know what I'm doing.  All I know is that I'm fat, tired, and sick.  How the heck did it get this bad?  How did I end up being so big?  How did it get to the point where I can't run, swim, dance, sing, or play without having to stop and catch my breath?  High blood pressure, heart palpitations, reflux disease, and anxiety are all words that you would see on my medical chart.  The last time I went to the doctor she asked "what happened" to me.  I didn't quite know what she meant until she looked at the student she was teaching and said "She used to be a knockout!"  (Now I don't believe she said it to be mean, so I took no offense)  It made me think.  Made me wonder...what did happen to her (me)?  The answer is I don't know.  But however it happened I'm done.  Done with wearing a size 22...yes a 22!!! Done with stuffing my face because of my emotions (I've had the worst day, let's have ice cream!!! I've had the best day, let's have ice cream!!!)  Done with looking in the mirror and hating (sad to say that's not a typo) hating what I see.  Done with not having clothes to wear, and not liking anything I try on in the store.  Done with having to pay double for what I do like because it's "plus sized" whatever the heck that means!!!  I am putting myself out into the world.  Hoping that it will keep me accountable.  Hoping that I can inspire and get some inspiration from someone out there.  Hoping that maybe I won't end this journey alone.  I don't know where this is going to lead but for the next 365 days I will tell my story.  My whole story eventually will come out.  Things I am proud and ashamed of.  Things that need to come out.  It is only because I truly believe my unhealthy relationship with myself and food stems from the ghosts of experiences past.  But today I look forward and I will try to stay focused.  So ready...set...wait let me just take this last drink of Coke...GO!!!